Dating After 50: Would You Date YOU? 5 Questions to Ask Yourself

[0:00] I think this is so incredibly important.

[0:02] You know, asking the question, would you date you or would I date me?

[0:12] Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV. So happy to welcome back Joanie Caldwell, Learner, the

[0:19] motivational coach, dating coach, relationship expert, and the host of Wake Up with Joanie. Joanie, thanks for

[0:28] being here again. Thank you. I’m very motivated with this [laughter] today.

[0:33] Well, we have a different kind of conversation today. You know, we we’re usually evaluating somebody else. What’s right and wrong with this person? And, you know, could we be a potential match?

[0:44] What I want to do today is take turn that around and let’s take a look at ourselves. And that could be uncomfortable

[0:51] at times, but I think this is so incredibly important. you know, asking the question, would you date you or would I date me?

[1:01] Well, and I think the way you brought that up just sparked something in my head, which is this. Normally, we’re judging other people. Mhm.

[1:08] This is not about judging because that is good, bad, right, wrong. This is really, really, folks out there, Silka, and I really want you to take these

[1:16] questions seriously and answer them for yourselves as we go along. You can pause the video if you need to. It’s not about making yourself wrong.

[1:25] It’s not about going, “Oh my gosh, who would who would date me?” It’s about waking up to the blind spots.

[1:32] This is a pretty deep conversation, so put your deep hat on. [laughter] So, five questions, five important

[1:40] questions to ask yourself. The the first one is what would your exes all agree on

[1:46] [laughter] about you? Now, that if you think about that, that that yeah, that can get a little uncomfortable. And it’s not one ex that that one might have been

[1:55] just horrible, but is there some sort of pattern. Excellent word. It’s not about blame.

[2:01] It’s not about how awful a person my exes think I am. It’s what what are the patterns? So for me, I’m very vivaceious

[2:09] and I’m fun and I’m these I can look at the things that are positive and everything, but I also know that I wasn’t very organized. I’m not very good

[2:17] at detail. I have to uh make sure that I’m on time. I you know there are things that I can improve with myself. I’m not

[2:25] making myself wrong. I’m not saying Joanie bad, Joanie bad. I’m just saying, “Oh yeah, man. If I was dating me, I’d want me to show up on time.” I would

[2:34] want me to know where my keys are. And that’s a fairly innocuous example. But what are the patterns? And they don’t have to be bad. They could be good

[2:42] patterns, too. Maybe you’re incredibly loyal and people tell you that all the time. For me, this that this was really an awakening when I think about what the

[2:50] e, you know, the pattern with exes is that I am incredibly insecure in relationships and and it’s something

[2:58] I’ve worked on now, but it really hit me. Yes. It’s like I’m in the same, you know, here’s a completely different

[3:05] person and and I’m creating situations that really bothered me. I’m creating it. That’s that’s the kind of stuff

[3:12] we’re talking about when you really think about it. Is there a pattern?

[3:17] So you’re the common denominator. A friend of mine used to say if one person calls you and asks, who cares? If some two people call you and ask, go buy a

[3:24] saddle. So you’ve got to look at the pattern. And it’s not about perfection.

[3:29] It’s about awareness. One of the great tools I was given a decade ago was make a list of 20 things that you would like

[3:37] in your partner. So I listed it out. And I’m like, “Yay, I’m going to the grocery store.” [laughter] And then she turns around. She goes,

[3:44] “Okay, I want you to to go back into the list and circle the ones that you are not.” I was like, “Oh,

[3:52] light bulb.” She says, “Okay, that’s what you have to work on. You don’t get to date until you have handled those things.” And it very powerful exercise.

[4:02] A good followup question to the ex is that it made me uncomfortable just reading it, but are you still blaming your ex for something that may actually

[4:10] have been your responsibility? We don’t have to talk about that in depth, but that’s a really interesting question because we don’t want to admit that we

[4:18] were wrong in anything. That’s critical because the freedom comes from looking at your part in it. The freedom comes

[4:27] from being accountable and speaking truth to self. You’re not you’re not telling your ex you were right. You

[4:34] don’t have to go that far. But you have to speak truth to yourself. The other the flip side too is you could be

[4:42] blaming yourself. I should have been a better wife. I should have this. I should have that. Blame is connected to guilt and shame.

[4:50] Remember guilt and shame are way way way down on the the scale of consciousness.

[4:54] So what we want is awareness so that we can change without judgment and without energy on whatever it is you’re

[5:02] discovering. So if you embark on this, do this with just a just a light-hearted curiosity.

[5:08] It just really got my attention when I saw so I wanted to mention it. All right, the second question to ask yourself, what’s the best and hardest

[5:16] part about dating you? Again, what a great what a great question, you know.

[5:23] the best part and not so good part of being with you.

[5:27] That’s a great question because of course as you’re asking it, I’m I’m scanning my mind. I know. Yeah.

[5:35] To look at like I’m fun, I’m loyal, I’m loving, I’m warm, I’m present, but I can be scattered. Uh what the old me and

[5:44] this is before the the last decade and a half of work. I was overly sensitive.

[5:51] I was reactive. If you said the sky is blue, I’m like, what do you mean by that? [laughter] I mean, who wants to date that? I took

[5:59] in a different form this to heart and really worked on myself.

[6:03] Yeah. The immediate thing that came to my mind was controlling. That’s something that I really had to work on after, you know, I worked on on myself a

[6:12] lot after my 25-y year marriage. you know, before I met Paul and still working [laughter] on myself now, but I

[6:19] realized how incredibly controlling I was when I thought I was being helpful and [laughter]

[6:27] yes that so you know I coach that is a very common theme and I thought I was helping them.

[6:35] Yes.

[6:35] So what I say to them and I and I think I just want to share this really quickly is that each person in our lives is a sovereign human being. They are in

[6:44] charge of their life, their island. So, we have to trust that they know what they’re doing. The only person we can control is us. It’s such a powerful topic that I just wanted to say that.

[6:54] So, I’m glad you shared that. That’s super important. Being right. There’s another one. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Have to be right.

[7:02] That a lot of people have that. And that’s again, it’s just god that can just destroy relationships. I don’t know

[7:10] that I always had to be right, but I was definitely controlling be be that in a good way or in a bad way. And I’ve stopped doing that and and sometimes I

[7:18] still have to, you know, pay attention to that. But whatever it is for you, whatever, you know, for all of you listening is the goal. And I think you

[7:26] said that Joanie is not to be perfect and all of a sudden not have any bad qualities, but to be aware of them because we’re always going to carry something with us. But if it’s up here,

[7:35] we might be able to tamper it so it doesn’t affect hopefully our next relationship or our dating life.

[7:41] Yes. And and one of the reasons that you and I share these stories and our own um foibless, our own imperfections without

[7:50] energy on them, we’re sharing it with tens of thousands of people to help them because we don’t have a judgment of them

[7:57] now. We like, “Yep, that’s what I that’s what I did. Sometimes I still do and I’m still working on it and I’m not perfect, but I’m really I’m really trying to be the best person I can be.

[8:08] And it’s really fun when you see yourself pulling back on something or changing or you’re consciously doing it and you see the positive reaction. Wow, this really works.

[8:16] Yes. [laughter] Oh, wow. I used to I would have handled that very differently.

[8:19] All right, Joanie, the third one. This is really interesting. Would you enjoy dating someone exactly like you?

[8:29] [laughter]

[8:30] the same communication style, same personality, same habits, same expectations. Would you enjoy that?

[8:37] That’s a good question. That’s a good question. And and it will have you examine how you show up. My first husband was the complete opposite of me.

[8:48] Complete opposite. And before we got married, he said, “Are you sure I’m not going to bore you to death?” And I said, “Well, if I married somebody like me,

[8:55] I’d drive myself crazy.” [laughter] Then 30 years later, fast forward, 35 years, whatever it is, um John and I are

[9:04] very similar in terms of the outgoing piece, the charisma. Even our jobs are exactly the same. But he’s also very

[9:13] different, is very organized and very systematized. And so there’s a nice balance. But the question is, take a

[9:22] look at if you could look on the outside and look at you on the outside, would you want to date you? Especially if there’s stuff you bring to the table

[9:29] that is annoying, like always being late or never initiating or you know, just some of the things that that you want

[9:36] from somebody else that you don’t give yourself.

[9:39] So, and maybe the answer is I’d love to date me.

[9:42] Yeah, that’s great information, too. I think that Yeah, I would say that too.

[9:46] I would date somebody like me, I think,

[9:48] [laughter]

[9:48] because I have to really think about that again, too. I think ultimately having more in common is better than being. I I don’t the opposites that they

[9:56] might they might attract, but they usually don’t keep together very well.

[10:00] That’s at least my opinion. That’s a whole other segment. All right, let’s go on to number four. Another good one.

[10:06] After one date with you, what would somebody genuinely be excited about about seeing you again? Are you going to

[10:14] after one date with you, what are they excited about to ask you out again?

[10:18] Well, if they’ve been watching your segments and they know how to show up and be present and look people in the eye and be interested and have their

[10:27] energy grounded and yet excited about being there. Those are the kinds of things people remember. It’s a feeling

[10:37] that you’ve created by who you are. So if they if you can create that people are going to remember you whether it’s

[10:45] dating or just in life. So what would they genuinely be excited about?

[10:51] That one I had fun answering because I think they would be genu and they were [laughter] you know I mean I I’m fun.

[10:58] I’m a lot of fun and and you know we I’m open to a lot of stuff and yeah I never really had trouble getting second dates.

[11:06] The third one that’s when [laughter] maybe you know that like the control issue started then when I felt like I was going to go down you know with this

[11:15] has potential then all of a sudden you start oh let’s do this let’s do that again meaning I’m being helpful or showing that I like someone when I’m you

[11:23] know running them off. So that that’s the kind of thing but yeah this what I like about this question too is that it

[11:30] it it really has you focus on the positive not not necessarily the negative. So, you know, what would somebody be excited about?

[11:39] Well, and you think about the friends in your life. They make you feel good when you’re with them. Yes.

[11:43] So, it could be game night. It could be having dinner at your favorite restaurant together. It could be Look at how you are with your friends that

[11:51] really that chemistry works. And and are you doing the same thing in dating? And if not, why not? And if not, what can

[11:58] you do so that you show up authentically the same way you show up with your friends?

[12:02] Great, great point. God, that is such an important point. All right, f the final the final one here and you mentioned that I think earlier as well. Are your

[12:11] standards matching your effort? Meaning, do you bring to the table what you’re looking for?

[12:19] Yeah, it’s so unfair. I mean, so for example, one of the ones that’s a very obvious example is I want somebody who’s

[12:26] fit and they’re sitting there with 60 extra pounds on them. That makes no sense whatsoever. If you want someone

[12:33] that’s fit, go out and get fit, you know, and be in the environments of fitness and then you’ll attract that.

[12:41] So, so it’s the law of electromagnetism.

[12:43] It’s a law of attraction. Be what it is you want. And I’ll never forget my my uh

[12:51] my little auntie, she’s about this big and she’s 91 years old and she’s still telling me, “I don’t want to be a nurse

[12:58] with a purse.” Hysterical this. But she w she was out there twost stepping, dancing, and doing

[13:06] all the things. She walked her talk and she had the most amazing last 30 years after her her husband passed. She never remarried, but she dated.

[13:14] She had a good time for her. She made it happen.

[13:18] I think uh the whole online dating environment and and and the way it’s structured, most of the sites, you know, you there’s these checklists that that

[13:27] you create that you’re prompted in a way to create. So you think about you know what like what is it that you want and yeah maybe you want somebody who’s

[13:35] financially responsible or and really fit but so of course of course check check but are you and that’s that’s not

[13:43] we never really think about that some well maybe you know if you’re a little bit more involved than than most people you do but do you bring to the table

[13:53] what you want or are your expectations just way way out of line?

[13:58] Yeah. Yeah. financially. That’s the other category. Huge. Huge. I want somebody who’s financially healthy. Are you financially healthy? Where can you

[14:06] you know do do I need to do a budget? Do I need to tighten up? Do I need to make more money? Do I what do I need to do such that I come in in partnership?

[14:14] Right.

[14:15] So that that’s a big one. Be a partner, not a barnacle.

[14:20] [laughter]

[14:21] Well, then and then just the obvious, you know, you want somebody who’s interesting. Are you interesting? You you know, somebody who communicates well. do. So there are things of course

[14:31] that you where you compliment each other on but if there’s something really important to you that you want do you you know do you bring that to the table?

[14:40] So I I think this is really a a great introspective conversation or awareness

[14:47] exercise I guess you can say that that we need to look at. What how would you what would you want to leave with our viewers on this Joanie?

[14:54] So in the beginning we invited them to answer the questions.

[14:57] Yes. without judgment, without blame, uh a and really awaken to things that they

[15:04] can they can take action on. And honestly, just taking action makes a person feel better.

[15:10] But if you’re in the dating if you’re in the dating realm, if you’re taking care of yourself, if you’re confident, if

[15:17] you’re moving forward, because all of life is about expanding, if you think about it, it’s about expanding and becoming more. And if it’s not, you’re

[15:26] dying. you’re going the other way. And a lot of people as they age, they just do

[15:33] that. So, we’re asking you to do that, you know, wake up and expand, become more. I don’t even care about the relationship piece in this moment.

[15:44] That’s a that’s a human condition.

[15:46] Yeah. What do you want out of life? What do you want out of life? And are you bringing that? Yeah. Exactly.

[15:51] Yeah. John said to me the other day, he goes, “I want to I want to live like I’m going to die tomorrow, but I also want to plan like I’m going to die in 30

[15:58] years.” [laughter] I love that. And that is so that’s now that’s real. Yes.

[16:05] Live like you’re going to die tomorrow, but plan like you’re going to live another 30 years because you can’t live like you’re going to die. You can’t otherwise just can’t. No. [laughter] Because you begin.

[16:13] It’s a nice thought. Exactly. You’re not You’re not old age.

[16:16] Yeah. What are you going to do in two days from now [laughter] anyway? a really really I to me these

[16:23] conversations are so interesting and and if you would like to carry this conversation on a little bit maybe discuss some of these issues that you

[16:31] might have with Joanie and get some expert input here [laughter] you are you’re super good at this Joanie

[16:38] the especially the communications piece so I would encourage you to contact her we have a calendarly link in the show

[16:46] notes below takes you right to Joanie get you know just contact to see if you’re a match. And as we’re talking

[16:54] about awakening, [clears throat] make sure you tune in to her newly revamped podcast, Wake Up with Joanie. You have such great interesting topics,

[17:02] interesting people on there as well. So, thank you again for your time and I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV. Me, too.