Breakups After 50: 5 Brutal Truths Why They Hit Men Harder – What Women Need to Know

I’ve been blindsided more than once and it was over and I was devastated both times
 You know, you have to be ready to like what are you going to do now? I completely blindsided
 Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, I want to welcome back Robert Manny, the author of the Guys Guide to Love, host of Guys Guy Radio, and a pitch man extraordinary
 [laughter] Robert, thank you so much for being here again
 My pleasure
 Thank you for having me back again
 I’m honored
 I love doing this
 I came across an article that the headline was, you know, why breakups are so much more difficult for men than they are for women
 And I’m thinking, really? [laughter] I mean, I’m being somewhat facitious here
 I get it
 But it really did stop me
 While breakups are difficult, and of course we when when that happens, we’re with our girlfriends, we talk about it, we really don’t think that it’s harder for men
 You just mentioned something that I think is very important in that when the girls get together, they talk about stuff
 When the guys get together, we talk about sports and money and uh other things
 We don’t really talk about relationships
 We may say, “Hey, Sally and I broke up
” We don’t get into the details unless there’s a real reason for that
 So, I think the biggest difference between how men and women respond to a breakup and why many times it’s very difficult for guys is that um they don’t have a support
 They don’t deploy uh their support group
 We just don’t do that because a lot of guys feel it’s a sign of weakness, which which which it isn’t, but that’s just the way it is
 The article was the five brutal truths
 You know, why breakups hit men so much harder
 And the first one is exactly what you just explained
 Men have fewer emotional lifelines
 you know that women maintain friendships but yeah guys just go and maybe play golf
 Yeah
 Well, we have friends uh but we don’t talk there certain subjects that are that are taboo
 And one of them is for whatever reason it’s an unspoken rule but rarely do you hear guys talk about the inner workings of a relationship
 It’s usually more about, you know, we did this, we did that, or we’re getting married or we’re getting divorced or we broke up
 That’s about it
 Unless somebody probes and say, “Hey, let’s talk
 You want to talk about it?” And then usually the guy will say, “Nah, that’s good
 You’re up
” Anyway, point number two
 Point number two, that men rely too much on their partner
 Now I thought that was such an interesting point that for a lot of guys the woman in their life becomes everything the buddy the you know well and as I say here when when a woman uh leaves that the man not just loses the love the ro the romance but uh the entire sense of stability that that a relationship especially if it was longer term offers and ironically I think that dynamic actually can also uh kill some of the love or or the attractiveness a woman has to a man if he becomes too reliant on her
 I mean this is a really good point to think about
 Uh it’s very good
 I think men need to think about it because your partner isn’t you know isn’t yours like sled dog guys can just kind of get lazy uh and assume that things are being put together
 I know my wife’s away for a week now so I’m with my son and our cat and I’m I’m doing a lot of juggling
 She’s she gave me like instructions, a whole page of instructions on how and when to feed the cat and you take this and you squeeze it out
 Then you have to crumble up the treats on it and then you put another layer of this
 I was like, “What?” I put the food in the bowl
 I’m like, “If you’re hungry, you’ll eat it
 If not, you know what? Let me know
” It it’s it’s amazing how uh men can take their partners for granted
 I think that’s the takeaway here
 And then we’re not they’re not there
 Then they realize, “Oh my god, not only was she my friend and lover and confidant and companion, she did a lot of stuff, too
” Well, and and then the next the next point here, this boy, this one could be a whole a whole segment
 That brutal truth number three, that most of the breakups are not his idea
 That 70 to 80% of all breakups and marriages are initiated by women
 And that is statistically uh captured, you know, it’s what great divorce is based on
 I I think it’s I would agree with that
 Not knowing the uh you know, the data on it, I would say that’s absolutely true because I think what often happens is women will give you the guys the signs and guys are not that great at reading signs all the way going all the way to the beginning of a relationship
 If a woman’s across a bar giving a guy some signs, a lot of times guys are are clueless
 Uh that they don’t see they don’t see the small signs that women give them
 The touch of the shoulder, this or that that means a lot more than what it is
 And I think what happens in a lot of relationships is women are are expressing themselves in a low-keyed way in terms of what are the issues with the relationship, maybe not feeling uh loved enough
 Uh and uh the guy doesn’t hear it
 And then the woman just basically says, “I’m done
” And he’s out and he’s blindsided because he was like, “Why didn’t you tell me?” Well, she had been communicating all of this with him in a way that he didn’t comprehend
 Is it his fault? No
 Is it her fault? No
 It’s like this has to be something that couples need to be mindful of that if you’re going to A lot of times women like they won’t just lay it on the line with the guy
 You got to do this better or I can’t do this
 They never do that
 It’s all these little hints and guys may not pick up on it
 And a guy would appreciate it a lot more and would have the ability to kind of come around if they knew exactly what it was that was really irking their partner and making them feel unfulfilled
 Uh because as you said, a lot of guys get caught off guard and it’s really not being caught off guard
 Right
 And and this this point to me is so important that I really want to add add a 3
5 because they don’t they didn’t go into that in this [clears throat] article
 They say that it’s so much harder for guys because they’re blindsided by the woman because they initiated it
 They’ve already had time to process the breakup
 So, it’s not hit as hard
 But to your point then to really expand on that, why he feels blindsided and she thinks he should have known
 And boy, that was me
 I mean, my ex, he was blindsided and I just went, “Are you kidding [snorts] me? How could you not have known?” And it’s exactly what you said
 You know, I dropped hints or I rolled my eyes or I we’ve had arguments and or I’d criticize or something, but I never let him know that I’m about to be out that door
 Yeah
 And that’s the point
 You dropped tints and rolled your rolled your eyes
 Th those are somewhat subtle cues
 Uh they might have been a lot more clear than that, but you just said that
 And I think what happens with guys, unless they hear it directly, this is the issue because you know how guys are, you have a problem, they want to solve it
 They don’t want to hear you out
 They basically want to help you solve the problem
 They think that’s what you want
 And maybe you just want to talk about something that happened at work or whatever
 You’re not looking for them to solve your problems
 So men and women can often communicate in different styles because that’s how we communicate
 Guys communicate with guys pretty directly
 I’ve been blindsided more than once and it was over and I was devastated both times that that that come to mind that that happened and wow uh you know you have to be ready to like what are you going to do now completely blindsided these were relationships that were you know five years eight years whatever long time and like wow I didn’t know and eventually that got gave me the wakeup call to ask myself what am I doing wrong and then I realized iz what I was doing wrong
 They they point out here, I thought that was such a good such a great point, is that that men, you know, they they believe that if there aren’t any problems that things are good, right? That if there’s no fighting, he think, hey, we’re we’re good
 Where for women that no connection means things are bad
 I mean, it’s just like the polar opposite that we don’t understand about each other
 And and the hard truth, another hard truth here, that women think they communicate it, but most men never got the message that we we need to understand that that if we actually want to save our relationship and not just have it be full of resentment where we finally just explode and we’re gone, you know, we need to understand that
 I I agree wholeheartedly
 I think it’s a it’s a two-way street there, Silka, that the the women need to be a little bit more overt about what the issues are and the guys need to pay attention a little more closely to see to make sure do check-ins to make sure everything’s cool with the relationship and the communication styles between uh you and your partner
 And don’t wait for that explosion before you act and do something
 I mean that yeah I mean this totally totally totally applied to me
 I mean, resent, resent, resent, resent
 And that that this to me is probably the most important point in this whole in this whole conversation, but keep watching because the other points are important, too
 [laughter] Like number four, this is a good one
 That men stop evolving in relationships
 Do you do you agree with that, Robert? Do you think men get too relaxed and stop putting in effort? Well, I mean, I don’t know if they stop putting effort into evolving themselves versus putting effort into the relationship to enhance the relationship
 I think when guys start doing more the every little thing that they can do to be helpful, I think that’s a great way of evolving the relationship because I think women appreciate it when the guy just takes out the vacuum cleaner and goes to town and never and push it back and doesn’t look for applause or anything or just, you know, contributes any way possible to taking the load off of uh the partner
 That’s that’s a way of of evolving the relationship to know that you can feel comfortable asking for what you want and that that’s that’s so many of us and I’m pointing at me are so we we we don’t we we hint we suggest and we expect the the man to read our I mean I’ve gotten better but the the reading read my mind please you should know me by now exactly boy what a huge mistake that is and yeah men don’t you know every now and then you can court, you know, be romantic
 Do I mean there there is a loss of effort, but that’s true for women too, I’m sure
 I think both of us need to keep putting effort into the romance of of the relationship
 I think that’s, you know, really good advice
 And then finally here that it’s harder for men to find new love
 And when I first read that, I thought, well, no, most men move on quicker after divorce or get married again after the divorce
 But I think what has really meant, and that’s what I want to ask you, is it’s really the process, the process of just, oh my god, I’m alone and now how do I find it again? Not necessarily finding it
 Uh, you know, it’s I think it’s tough for for both sexes being alone and getting back out there, particularly when we’re talking about folks over 50
 I mean, maybe you were in a long-term relationship or you were married and you divorced or your your your spouse passed or whatever
 Getting back out there, uh, it seems scary because they’re not familiar with a lot of the technology tools, the tools that are available that actually can make the process a lot easier
 I don’t think it’s necessarily harder for the men than for the women
 To be to be honest with you, I I I think it’s tough for both and it based on the individual
 If you are comfortable in your own skin and you feel that I at the end of one of my relationships where I got blindsided, I was feeling like we had some great times together
 I put a little photo book together
 I gave it to her when she was moving and said, “Thank you for everything
” And uh it was a big burden on me that I was going to have to take care of a lot of stuff
 But I figured why look back on that time that was my life too and say, “Oh, it didn’t last forever, so it was a failure
” You know, it’s how how you look at it
 To me, we had x amount of years of great success
 We had some failures along the way and ultimately we decided to move on or you decided to move on and that’s the way it is
 Something will hopefully be better uh somewhere over the rainbow
 For me, it was and uh it it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me
 So, I’m thankful for the relationship and I’m thankful for uh getting dumped
 [laughter] What a mature way to look at it
 Yeah
 would have that
 Well, it it is very few people do, you know, on both
 Thank you
 May I have another? [laughter] And I think their point here too is why it’s harder for men is that, you know, women, as we already discussed, are more socially connected
 They’re more emotionally expressive and they’re just more proactive in in finding new friendships even than than men are
 And that’s why it might be more difficult
 So again, something something to think about
 So, you know, what do we what do we take away from this conversation that here for men, stop waiting for a crisis to wake up? Yeah
 Oh, pay attention uh pay more attention to your partner
 Check in
 Make sure that she’s feeling good about everything
 If she has anything, she wants to communicate with you and knowing that it might be some criticism
 I put that in quotes with the intention to make the relationship better
 Just listen and uh don’t be quick to react
 take it in, process, and then respond
 And you don’t have to, you know, be a wimp about it
 Just see what she has to say
 And if it makes sense, it makes sense, and you can express your opinion
 Maybe maybe she’ll see things in a different light
 So, I think for guys, they have to pay better attention
 For women, I think based on everything we just discussed, they have to be a little bit more direct about if they have issues with the relationship, be a little make sure he got that
 You know, if you roll your eyes or just say shrug your shoulders, he might not know what that what’s going on there or even notice
 If you have an issue, it’s okay
 This doesn’t mean be mean and finger wag, but this means like, hey, you know, I just want to talk about something with you
 If he’s not willing to do that, that’s that’s a bad sign
 But most guys are o open
 And uh you have to be obviously when we’re talking to our partner you be mindful about how you express things because if you’re with the partner obviously you care for them
 So this is not about having an opportunity to just slam on them
 They say here and I I like this point too that for women you know that a big takeaway here is that before you walk away because we do 70 to 80% initiated that ask yourself have you really communicated or have you just complained that that’s yeah have you just complained and that would apply to me I did a lot of complaining and and didn’t obviously didn’t communicate you know at early on or maybe in the first 10 years I was married for 25 years
 Robert, how how would you how would you end this? Anything? Um, it is tough for guys
 Women should know it’s tough for guys because they don’t have the support system
 Getting back out in the marketplace is not that easy
 They’re going to get the third degree from any woman who’s out there who who might be a potential partner as to why are you single, how long you’ve been single, what happened to your relationship, all this other stuff
 So, it’s it’s tough
 And they don’t have people to kind of bounce things off unless they have female friends
 For women, I think we what we just discussed, be more direct with the guy
 Don’t let it don’t let the lingering resentment grow
 Nip it in the bud
 And maybe the relationship is salvageable and maybe it’s not, but you’ll have a better opportunity of finding out if you express yourself more clearly
 Well, yeah
 And and and again for women is just to understand that yeah, men really do feel deeply
 They just don’t show it in the same way
 And don’t be surprised like I was at the beginning of the segment
 Don’t know really it’s harder for them
 Yeah, it very well
 It very well could be
 So, Robert, thank you
 Thank you for your time
 Always appreciate all of your great input
 I think today is an was an important important discussion
 And yes, thank you for always supporting our channel, too
 I will link to all of your information to your book, The Guys Guys Guide to Love, and of course the radio show, Guys Guys Radio and TV, right here on YouTube
 Click on the link and subscribe
 And Robert, I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV
 Thank you, Silka
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