Dating after 50: 8 Surprising Things That Turn Men Off (That Women Don’t Realize)

eight things that women do unknowingly most of the time that really turns men off or runs them away
 [music] Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, I want to welcome back Bob Grant, the relationship expert, dating coach, and founder of Relationship Headquarters
 Bob, thanks for joining us again
 Thanks for having me again
 I think our topic today is very important and that is eight things that women do unknowingly most of the time that really turns men off or runs them away
 So we’re we’re listening to all these videos
 We’re reading all this information to try to attract men and then we do something that runs them off that we don’t even know about
 So, let’s talk about the eight things women do unknowingly
 Number number one, I’ll set them up for you here
 Bragging or oversharing your achievements
 I’m going to do to come at this from a man’s point of view
 So, ladies, this is just just through my goggles is what I found with women is a lot of times women will share with each other and they’ll do what I call talking over each other
 At least that’s what it looks like to us men
 And but that’s a way of connecting
 But if I did that with a man, one of us would probably stop talking and just kind of roll our eyes because you’re dominating the conversation
 I mean, there’s exceptions, but I’m going to talk, but we’re not going to compete
 Y’all don’t view it as competing, but when you’re oversharing stuff, I’m having to listen, which is fine
 Now, I’m still listening
 And and I’m still listening
 10 minutes into it, I’m still listening
 And now the glaze comes over my eyes
 I’m not trying to
 I just I’m full and you don’t mean to do it, but just I’m full
 It’s like water being dumped over me over and over again and there’s no place in there for me to jump in and say anything
 I I don’t give you and you say, “What do I think?” And then you keep talking
 Okay
 Did she mean that? Not mean it
 Now, I’m I’m being I’m not trying to be critical as much as I’m trying to be really specific
 It’s an innocent mistake
 It It’s not like someone purposely does this
 But they don’t a lot of times don’t realize is that they’re inadvertently pushing him away while they’re trying to connect with him at the same time
 Well, and there’s there’s a fine line there between confidence and arrogance also both in terms of the topic of whatever you’re bragging about and just taking as you just described that sort of dominance over the conversation
 So yeah, this is definitely something to pay attention to
 And then here’s the opposite of that, [laughter] not engaging in conversation
 So for me personally, I’m generally more of an introvert
 So it’s easier for me to ask questions
 But I’ve noticed just on on my end, if I’m doing asking all the questions, I’m not really being vulnerable at all
 I’m not really engaging
 I’m putting on the other person
 It’s a way of being standoffish
 So, it can be the opposite end, but it can have just as bad an effect is the other person feels like they’re being interrogated
 And if I’m not offering anything about myself at the time, it’s it’s a way of being standoffish and guarded and the other person feels like I’m I’m having to always answer all this stuff or or I I can’t give the right answer, you know, especially if it’s, you know, general questions of just, you know, what do you do that makes you happy? I mean, today, yesterday, I’m not really sure
 And see, it puts them on the spot
 And those are really question there’s I call them filler questions and they’re they’re fine to some degree but it’s not the same as me asking you a question then once you comment is I tell you how it affects me
 So you like doing stuff outside
 Actually I like doing stuff outside too
 I play golf all the time
 Um I grew up with that with my dad
 And see now we’re going back and forth with each other you know like a dance as opposed to just one of us you know has to either hold the whole conversation or the other one has to just be the passive one
 I want to follow up on what you just said because one of the things that we tell uh people on the show, both men and women, that one way of showing interest is to ask questions
 You can be the most interesting person in the room by just shutting up
 So where where is that where is that fine line? You know, is it is it that you should ask questions about them or something, you know, particular that you just heard them say like, “Wow, so you do like golf
” Well, what you know, what’s your handicap versus, you know, what makes you, oh god, I hate questions like that
 Can can you clarify that? There’s a sort of a rule of thumb I use
 It’s like a cheat sheet
 So, if I’m talking to someone and they mention something, um, what I like to do is just ask a follow-up question, not 20
 So, whe doesn’t matter what it is, I can be interested in anything
 So, it’s like you could tell me about your podcast, your radio show
 None of those things may relate to me, but I can ask a question about something just to find out a little bit more just to show you that I’m leaning in to some degree
 And then, you know, with that, hopefully you do the same with me
 And all I’m trying to do is to keep it where it’s not one-sided
 And sometimes, ladies, sometimes you’re going to be better at this
 And it’s not about poor pitiful guy had his hand
 It’s not that so much as just remember the idea is we’re not trying to communicate the most amount of information
 It’s more we’re just trying to find a way to communicate with each other
 Uh number three here, trying to control or fix him
 Now, how does that show up early on? We don’t have time
 So, there’s the obvious ones
 Do what I say or stop this
 Men can do this, too
 So, so this is not just women
 Um I don’t find women will say to me they’re trying to fix them what they’re saying
 I’m just trying to help
 And my response is always he doesn’t want to be helped
 Well, but I he may need it
 He may deserve it
 He may so deserve it
 He doesn’t want it because helping means you’re my mom
 And I’ve had someone will say, “Well, he’s so insecure
” He’s not insecure
 That’s not the issue
 And this relates to how we talk with men
 As a man, I know better than to help another man
 He can be smaller than me
 He can be younger than me
 I still know better cuz he has not given me permission to offer my advice because that’s his problem to solve and he prides himself on fixing his problem
 And if it’s not fixed, he doesn’t think it’s a problem
 So you trying to fix a problem he doesn’t think’s broken is why he gets irritated
 Some of the examples they give here is early on like correcting how he orders food, you know, maybe, you know, well, he should order that well done, not medium rare or correcting or giving input on on his wardrobe perhaps
 I mean, I can’t imagine even doing that, but does that happen a lot? Do you do you hear about that a lot? I hear about it, but that’s probably because what I do for a living, the one I’ve heard the most is or more frequently is husbands will joke about walking out
 They’re all dressed ready to go and the wife will go, “You’re gonna wear that out
” And it’s funny except in the moment it’s like, you know, you either don’t say anything or say something when I start to put it on that you don’t but don’t wait until I get it all done
 It’s stuff like that that men just just cringe
 That’s one of Paul’s examples of his previous marriage
 That’s one he he’ll never forget it
 He said he was going to a really really important meeting
 As he walked out the door, he heard, you know, Yes
 That’s usually when it happens
 Yes
 [laughter] when you walk out the door
 One, that’s one ones I’ve heard
 That’s a funny example and and apparently, as you say, a very very common one
 Don’t do that
 Here, here
 Number four
 What turns men off? Self-criticism or fishing for reassurance
 So, if I’m on a date and some man or someone comes up to my date and starts being critical of her, I can’t believe you wore that dress
 Your hair is such a mess
 I am hot
 depending on the circumstance
 Hopefully, you know, there’s no wrestling match, but at the very least, I’m saying something because that’s insulting to me
 It is just as insulting when she does that to herself
 That’s not humble
 It I don’t like that
 Not just me
 I’m speaking for men because there’s nothing I can do to fix it
 I can’t defend you from yourself
 I can’t do I have to sit there and listen to it
 I don’t want to listen to it
 I don’t want to listen to it if somebody else does this to you because to me it feels the same
 This is my date
 This is my partner, my girlfriend, wife, whoever she is
 and that’s a reflection of me and I don’t see you that way
 A lot of times folks do it as a way of looking for reassurance as opposed to a better way is if I’m feeling overwhelmed or scared
 I’m I’m I’m just feeling Ask for that because at least that way with men that doesn’t turn men off
 That’s much more appealing that you’re authentic than it is if you’re fishing
 Some examples here that you give I probably look terrible, you know, or I’m so out of shape
 What are you supposed to say? It is annoying because well no you’re not or well you could go to the gym
 I [laughter] mean there’s there’s exceptions
 We all have bad days or something yet sweetie
 You know you’re not but your outfits a pattern if that’s your way of asking for what you need
 Your your point is exactly of just men just we just get tired of it after a while
 Another one here uh being distra oh my god this is a big one
 Being distracted or glued to your phone
 What a horrible distraction it is
 It’s also a great way to stand out because everyone does it
 If I’m the person, man or woman, if I can cut it off in my pocket and that thing doesn’t come out, I will stand out
 I will because one of is is it forces me to be in the moment
 It’s a little more awkward
 Maybe I don’t know what to say
 That’s okay
 But I put myself in that vulnerable situation and the person across from me will feel the difference
 It is
 And folks do it and some some overdo it more than others
 But I like using that to my advantage because most folks would never think to put their phone up
 But the one that does, I promise you, you will stand out
 We have a whole video on fubbing
 I did
 I I had I had not known that that was actually a term
 That’s how bad it is
 And we got lots of comments where a man would say, “I can’t believe it
 She was on her phone the whole time
” You know, first date
 Well, that you know who would just don’t do that
 Put your phone away unless there’s a good reason to have it there
 And if you have a good reason to have it there, make sure you explain that
 That’s just common courtesy
 Just common courtesy
 Here’s another being non-committal or flaky
 I do you mean playing hard to get or what what exactly do you mean by that? If a man and a lot of times women will get this too, but if a man asks you for something specific, you know, the specific plan, would you like to go with me Saturday to do something? and you agree to it, then he’s made plans for that
 And cancelling last minute or being wishy-washy or being indecisive, I understand everybody has the right to change their mind, but just out of courtesy
 Courtesy is a character thing
 And character things show up in relationships, like what I’m going to do when someone’s upset or they’re scared or they’re sick or they’re overwhelmed
 And the way I if I make a promise or make a gesture to someone and follow through with it, that helps the person count on me
 And the more they can count on me, the safer they feel, the more they’re likely to trust me
 A lot of times I find folks that are flaky or is they’re more afraid of getting hurt
 So depending on their mood, I don’t want to be, and this is a big one
 I hear this more often than anything, they are terrified of feeling bored in a relationship
 Oh, that’s okay
 what it is and they’ll do all kinds of stuff to avoid bored
 And so since I don’t want to be bored, if I’m not feeling it, I may I may take a better offer or I may, you know, just write this person off because it doesn’t feel exciting all the time
 Part of getting to know someone is there’s going to be boring times
 In other words, I keep a commitment
 I say what I’m I’m going to do and I do what I’m going to say
 And ones that don’t want that are so terrified of being trapped in something boring that they end up ruining potentially good relationships
 I you know, that makes total sense
 I actually had not heard that that boring is something that men would actively think about
 Yeah
 Say that again
 Men actively think about not be not getting into a fear being bored
 I think men and women both, but they fear being bored because being bored is trapped is is the feeling
 And so because they’re so afraid of being in a trapped or boring or, you know, stale relationship that I just, you know, some folks take that to an extreme of just I’m I’m I can’t commit
 I I don’t want to, you know, do any anything that’s until I’m absolutely positive, absolutely certain
 I’m like, well, you know, get a dog
 Seriously, get a pet
 [laughter] That’s what they’re for if you want that
 But relationship is just has inherent risk with it
 It’s part of what makes it fun
 Well, number seven here, forgetting basic courtesy
 You know, opening a door or paying for a bill uh for a dinner, you know, it’s not sexism
 It’s it’s you say thank you
 That’s a nice thing
 Yeah
 And it’s and for men, you know, guys, we most of us were taught this
 This is how you demonstrate value for a woman
 It’s not entitled
 It’s a reflection of me
 So it it’s not I have to do this or I have to open a door or I have to whatever it is walk on a certain side of the street or I have to I do that because that’s the type man I want to be
 Everyone watching you be whoever you want to be but know who you want to be
 You make it a point to decide before that you know so that like at paying for dinner you know if that’s my gesture okay maybe she likes that maybe that ain’t her thing but maybe open the door is insulting to her
 Okay, she can tell me, but I’m doing that because that’s how I want to be as a man, not necessarily what does she like
 Now, she may like something I don’t think of
 Okay, I can do that, too
 But if I do it primarily as an extension of who I am as a person and my character and who I want people to know me as, that’s going to come across a lot more authentic
 Women like the authenticity a lot of times just as much as the gesture
 Well, and just pray uh showing appreciation, you know, really thanking a man for something
 Yeah
 Common courtesy
 It’s not entitlement
 You you thank you you say thank you
 And I you know this this whole thing that that you be offended by opening a door that I just I will never get that
 I I I don’t I really don’t get it
 And then finally here and I totally get this one
 Getting too serious to sue
 Yes, because it it’s the the idea for men is I have to feel like it’s my choice
 I may not say that or not because it’s a power thing
 So power is what’s most important to me or more specifically feeling in control
 And if someone else is making decisions for me or pushing me toward them, I naturally feel out of control
 And I’m not used to feeling
 I don’t feel a lot of times, but when I do feel, I feel a lot
 So I don’t want to feel a lot with something that’s really uncomfortable
 So, I like to make a choice of my own
 Are we going to date or not date? Again, it may not be totally my choice, but at least on my hand, I don’t want to feel pushed or rushed because if I’m hesitant, I’m worried there’s something I’m missing
 So, if I feel pushed into it, I’m afraid I’m going to make a bad choice
 And the worst part is I’m going to end up hurting someone, not just me, but her
 And that feels awful
 Well, and this is certainly not something that you do on a first or second or third date
 I mean, there’s these theories now of hard balling, you know, putting out everything you want and which I anyway that we did a video on it that was very interesting
 So, no, I I mean, I get that, you know, you don’t talk about commitment on the first or second or even third date for that matter
 But in your opinion, what is a proper time where where you deserve to, you know, is I mean, is there an answer to that? I know everybody’s unique
 I mean, if let’s start with the end
 If it’s if it’s been a year, you know, I mean, after after a year’s time, there’s probably not a lot new that’s going to be discovered
 Usually, what I tell women is I say, “Wait until you’ve seen a man get angry first
” Now, that that can hopefully that’s not soon, but that usually takes one or [snorts] two months
 I usually at some point there’ll be a waiter, waitress that was rude or something comes up
 And then once we do that, then let’s see after that happens
 Okay, are we making an exclusive talk or or at some point what do we want from this? But if we give it that time first to see if this is even someone that’s long-term potential, then I like to start the clock after that
 Yeah, that’s a really good lip test
 I I hadn’t heard that either
 So, I’d be interested to see what our viewers think
 I I think that’s terrific advice
 Well, Bob, those are the eight things that women do
 I mean, there’s probably a lot more, but these are worth paying attention to
 Uh, is there anything else you want to add before we close out today? No, I think with these is is usually you’ll find one or two that stand out to you
 If you just kind of pay attention to those, you don’t have to like drastically improve them, but if you just pay attention and realize those are probably like holes or or deficits, and just work on those, I think you will start to notice a big shift in your relationships
 Bob, thank you so much
 Uh again, if you need some help navigating that dating world out there, you back on the dating scene after 50, give Bob a call
 He’s wonder well, you see how wonderful he is to talk with
 So all of the information, all of his links, connection links are below
 And Bob, I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV
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