Dating After 50: 9 Common Phrases That Turn Men (and Women) Off – Especially on a First Date!

If you feel like saying any of these statements, I would suggest checking yourself and say, “Why would I say something like that? I don’t want to bring my baggage
 I don’t want to get their baggage
 Would you say any of these things?” Probably not
 Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Want to welcome back Robert Manny, the author of the Guys Guide to Love and Post of Guys Guy Radio and TV
 Robert, thank you so much for being here again
 My pleasure, Silka
 Can’t wait
 The topic is phrases that you might be saying that you’re bringing to the dating process that are turning men off
 Something that happens all the time every time people get together
 And I’m sure women say some things that men take the wrong way and vice versa
 Well, well, let’s look at exactly what we’re talking about here
 The first one here, all the good ones are taken
 Now, you may not say those exact words, but how many of us bring that attitude to the table? I I don’t think a lot of guys would know what to make of that because it seems like uh inadvertently uh dismissive, like the good ones are taken, but so I’m I’m left with you
 [laughter] And you know, I mean, I see this in the comments
 Yeah
 I see this in the comments all the time that you know, the good ones are taken
 That’s an attitude a lot of us a lot of us bring
 And like you said, yeah, it’s instantly dismissive and it just instantly deflates the other person
 I mean, I’ll ask our audience, have you ever said that or have you ever heard that? Has anybody ever said the good ones are taken when you first meet someone? I don’t know
 And and what does that say about yourself? So, you know, got to be careful with the words
 Yeah
 I mean, it’s an attitude
 It’s skepticism
 It’s just it doesn’t it doesn’t work
 So, if you act if you have that thought, catch it
 Certainly don’t don’t ever don’t ever say those words
 Here here’s one that uh that comes up a lot verbatim and that is my ex treated me so badly
 What does a man hear when uh you say that? I think it puts a an added responsibility on the guy because he’s supposed to okay he treated you bad so I’ve got to make that better now
 And instead of starting with a clean slate, you’ve already kind of put a responsibility on him
 Like, you better not be like my ex and you have to make me feel better
 And if I’m the guy, I guess I’m going to ask, well, what what happened? But do you really want all the gory details? I don’t know
 But you want to know what you’re getting into? And I don’t know if it does anything to propel the relationship forward, right? It’s a it’s a puts puts things in a it’s an uncomfortable position that you’re putting the guy in because your ex treated you so badly
 Okay, here you are
 Um, I guess I want to know so I don’t do the same thing
 But I I feel like are you damaged goods now or something or or what? It what it’s one of the worst mistakes I think people make is talk about their ex in that way
 You know immed especially on a first date
 I I know for me I and I’ve said about this a lot is that you know my ex cheated on me and I did on a couple dates say well here’s one thing I you know I’ll never accept
 I’ll never ever put up with something like that again
 And I also never saw those guys [laughter] again
 But yeah, you’re you’re putting the blame or the sins of your past onto somebody new who has done anything yet
 It’s it’s a little, you know, raining on the parade before it’s even begun
 So, I think you want to start off on a positive, particularly on the first date
 I don’t think you want to go there
 I think you got to get yourself all fixed up before you get out there
 We’ve talked about this on other segments that don’t put a wounded version of yourself out there because nobody’s going to win that way
 The guy’s going to feel like what? They’ll have to fix you now and and the woman’s going to feel that, you know, I’ve been hurt and uh it just it’s like it’s makes it tough for everyone
 So, I think you before a man or a woman gets back into the dating field, the dating game, you have to fix yourself as best you can
 You can’t expect to go out there and uh if you’re damaged
 Yeah
 It it it brings immediately brings baggage to the date
 You know, you’re questioning baggage
 Well, what what are they talking about, men, men or women? So, yeah
 Here’s here’s another good one
 I’m fine on my own
 I don’t need anyone
 Doesn’t that make you feel totally unnecessary? I mean, I know that women like to show their independence, but the I don’t need a man or I don’t need anyone is a little much
 Well, yeah
 I think you just nailed it
 I think there’s a difference between showing their independence and telling somebody their independence because again words have power
 And I think a guy could take that the wrong way
 He’s going to the first thought is what am I doing here then? You’re fine on your own but you’re out here dating
 If you’re a woman, why would you say that? Why don’t you just demonstrate the fact that you’re an independent, strong, got your stuff together woman and who’s like hot property and you know that the guy should be really interested in them because you deserve it
 That’s a lot better than telling him that I’m fine without you basically is what that says
 Some women some women bring that or bring that up right away and and in in a wrong way perhaps, but to, you know, to maybe say or demonstrate that I don’t want anything
 I don’t want your money, you know, I’m just I’m looking for a companion or a partner, somebody new, but I, you know, I’m not after your money
 I’m not a gold digger
 Because so many of us get accused of that
 Again, just read some of the comments, you know, that is men protect their money because that’s that’s what the woman wants
 So maybe that’s said, maybe that comes up more often than not, but it Yeah, it it definitely sends sends the wrong message
 Show it
 You don’t have to tell him that
 Just demonstrate the fact that you can handle yourself and you don’t need him for his money or what or whatever it is that he has that he values that he thinks you might want to take from him
 Just be a strong independent woman
 And that’s actually very sexy
 Here’s another good one
 And that this is said a lot is I’ve had bad luck with online dating
 You know, I hate online dating and blah blah blah blah blah
 But you you you well, especially if you’re on an online date, [laughter] you know, why why would you say something like that? Well, I think everybody’s had some bad it’s like dating
 Everybody’s had some bad experiences dating
 And everybody’s had some bad experiences when they’re online dating
 And of course, the whole honesty thing that we’ve talked about uh so many times about becomes an issue
 And a lot of women, I think, take the online dating vulnerabilities more uh to heart than guys do
 I mean, we’re I think a lot of guys are just figure like, hey, it’s a it’s a game
 There’s a lot of BS
 Once I meet this person, we’ll break through that and figure out are we meant for each other and can we have some fun or or not
 Whereas, uh sometimes women might be a little more procedural about it about and they want to be very exact about the information
 the online dating it is what it is
 It’s a necessary evil for some people because how else would you meet so many potential partners out there? You can only cover one person at a time if it’s or organically
 So, you just have to learn how to management manage it, not dive in too deep and and juggle too many opportunities and uh decide what do you want and uh you know keep keep your head wits about you
 It’s like anything else in life
 You have to it’s an opportunity but you have to manage it
 Yeah, that statement either way, it just signals to the other person that you’re expecting something to go wrong
 Exactly
 Yeah
 That it just it serves no purpose
 It takes the air out of the balloon before you even get started
 Especially if it’s an online date
 Yeah
 Why are you telling me this? Why are you doing it then? Yeah
 Here’s another uh very self-protective statement
 And I think pe people do the it is said directly that oh you know I I’m just seeing what’s out there
 I’m just seeing what’s out there
 It’s like it sounds like you’re browsing and you’re being protective and you’re not that interested and like so why should I take you seriously that if I’m a guy I’m thinking like I’m just seeing what’s out there like on my merchandise
 I mean you’re shopping window shopping at the mall
 It’s that’s devalues the man in his mind if he hears that that like this is what she thinks of me and we haven’t even gotten started or I have to live up to a certain uh expectation that I don’t know even know what it is that she has
 It just it just add it doesn’t add anything positive
 It’s not like getting to know you
 You know the best way to do this process is just to get to know somebody
 So many people go out there to date and they’ve got all these like rules and this and that and they’re so stiff when they go out of they it’s not fun, right? It’s the and it’s that fear of rejection that I think is the intention behind either bringing that attitude or actually saying it which which is referenced here as it that it happens quite a bit that you just oh you know I’m just looking I’m just looking and whatever whatever happens you know it’s it’s wishy-washy you know you’ve got to be you’ve got to be in it to win it the even the a Hall of Fame baseball player makes out seven out of 10 times he gets up at bat so you know it’s like you’re sales
 Anybody who’s out there is in sales, you get rejected all the time, but you get that one score, that one sale, it makes up for all all the others if it’s the right right thing, right opportunity, the right person
 So, you just got to put yourself out there
 Here’s another good one that kind of goes along with that
 That I’ve been single so long, I’m not sure I can do this
 And sometimes, you know, that’s sudden gist or a little self-deprecating, but I I’ve heard people say that not maybe not necessarily in a dating situation, but just in conversation, but that that’s the attitude that’s brought to the table
 But really, what you know, what does that say? Well, I would say never say that on a date
 And um if you want to express that with your friends, that’s fine, but it is a signal, an indication that you’re you’re not really ready
 You’re not going into it 100% as the best version of yourself
 So I would not I would be careful to think if that’s my attitude about myself
 Is this going to hold help me or hold me back? Absolutely
 You’re not you you you’re saying I’m not I’m not ready you know because it it’s really very pessim I think a lot of these have that in common negative and pessimistic and yes that all that rubs people you know the wrong way
 Uh here this is another good one [laughter] that goes you know for midlife dating especially is that at our age does any of this even matter and I’m thinking they meant by uh you know having said that in gist you know with maybe a little humor you know really does this really even matter but but again you’re being dismissive or dead on arrival aren’t you? Yeah
 And you’re dismissing yourself
 If I ever heard that, I would that would be it, you know, because I I write a column for, as you know, for UK Health magazine
 It’s called Aging is a choice
 So when I hear something like that, that our age doesn’t even matter
 That means I’m old and worthless, and you’re not
 You know, it’s up to you to determine
 You can let society tell you, okay, I’m 55, so I’m this and I’m 70, so I’m that, and I can’t do this anymore
 Or you can determine what you can do on a daily basis
 And I think you’ll quickly find that aging truly is a choice
 Because if we don’t stop listening to the experts and start doing what we like to do and love to do and bring the passion to it and have good health practices and good attitude and think positive thoughts and all that stuff, it it works
 I see it with my friends every day
 You’re really minimizing anything that could be meaningful
 And yeah, it’s not a way to to get to know someone [laughter] better
 Right
 Exactly
 Well, another one
 Let’s see where this goes
 Let’s see
 Let’s see where this goes
 You know, the attitude of I’m really not expecting much
 And you know, if I’m a guy, I’ll be honest with you, my first re reaction with it, and you know me, I’ve said it before
 I’m a I’m a horn dog
 So, if I hear that, it’s like, uh, let’s let’s just let’s be friends with benefits
 Fine
 It’ll go nowhere except into my bedroom
 You know, it’s like, I’m sorry
 It’s like that just says like nothing
 It doesn’t matter
 Fine
 So, doesn’t matter
 We might as well do something fun
 I know that sounds that sounds bad, but guys are bad
 [laughter] Not all guys
 I mean, it’s a really I want I almost want to say stupid thing to say
 You’re just you lower you’ve lowered the bar
 I mean, it’s like it’s not a challenge
 No, you’re not taking a guy’s not going to take that as a challenge
 He’s going to take that as low self-esteem from the from the from the woman
 Let’s see where it goes
 I’m not expecting anything
 Oh, great
 Yeah
 I think the intent maybe uh might be, hey, I’m just easygoing
 You know, that’s the vibe
 Like, you don’t want to put pressure out there when we say, you know, don’t be so serious on that first date
 Finally, here
 I [clears throat] don’t have time for games
 Now, this one is maybe not spoken
 Well, it is spoken, but it’s very often occurs in dating profiles
 Yeah
 Who has time for games? I know
 is like the guy’s going to feel on the defensive right from the get-go like what what am I on trial here no games like I’m a game player it’s putting it’s putting things in a uncomfortable position where the guy’s on the defensive and you don’t want the prospective partner to be immediately put on the defensive with I’m not here to play games buddy [laughter] it’s like what is he supposed to say what’s the what’s the comeback to that I didn’t realize we were playing games you know like yeah you’re you’re you’re just you’re setting him up or or yourself up, you know, he or you’re setting it up for him to disappoint you
 You know, you’re just playing Yeah
 And it does that is said a lot or at least written a lot in the dating profile
 So, make sure if if you have that in there, of course, you’re not you don’t want to play games, but you don’t say it
 That just Exactly
 It just communicates such negativity and and Yeah
 puts like, you know, hand up, you know, stop here
 no fun in that statement, you know, that just takes the air out of the balloon, the fun balloon for a woman if she hears that if and because men say it absolutely do
 They accuse women of playing games, you know
 Is that you’ve just been burned way way too many times, buddy? You know, and and and why? When you said that, I was like I was had been thinking like a guy would never say that, but I guess they do
 To play games
 Why? Why would a guy say that? I don’t know
 Yeah, I again I don’t know if they actually would say it but but the attitude is there and and I have seen it in profiles as well
 You know, no game playing, no game and no drama, right? That’s another Well, that’s different
 That’s different though
 That’s different
 But it’s also it’s some it’s Yeah, but it’s another another thing that doesn’t need to be written
 You don’t you just Well, yeah
 That puts a woman in a bad that you know that that puts a woman in an uncomfortable position
 So, anything I say that has feelings, that’s drama, right? Exactly
 Exactly
 Yeah
 Anything with any any emotion is drama
 [laughter] Exactly
 What what is drama? What is drama to you? What is drama? So, I thought I thought this gives us something to think about because these are prevailing attitudes that are out there
 We see them in our comments all the time, maybe rightfully so, maybe deserve
 However, it does rub people the wrong way
 It can turn men off, can turn women off, and it’s just something be aware of it
 and then you can do something about it
 Robert, how how would you end our segment here? I I agree wholeheartedly
 I think again before getting out there, if you have any of these if you feel like saying any of these statements, you got to check your I think I would suggest checking yourself and say, why would I say something like that when I’m going into a position with a clean slate? Do I want to meet somebody new? What do I want not to bring my I I don’t want to bring my baggage
 I don’t want to get their baggage
 Would you say any of these things? probably not
 So, go in with an open mind, an open heart, and see what happens
 And uh you know what, a cup of coffee or a glass of champagne doesn’t take that long
 You can always just say thank you and uh on your way
 I think the bottom line is attitude really and mindset is is just that’s at the that’s the substance of being able to find someone and and and have a relationship, a healthy build a healthy relationship
 So, well, we don’t need to pound that home anymore
 I look forward to the comments on it to see what you’ve heard out there based on uh what what we discussed here today
 Robert, as always, thank you so much for your time
 I will link to all of your information, your book, a great great read
 I’m actually started reading it again
 Oh, okay
 Well, yeah
 I mean, I know you so well now
 I I I it was kind of fun to read it now knowing you again
 So, anyway, it is a fun read
 pick it up and and I will link to your radio station
 You’re now all over the world with UK Health Radio and of course your YouTube channel right here in the show notes below
 Click on it and subscribe
 And Robert, thank you so much
 Oh, yeah
 Yeah
 And and go to Second Act TV and get our coffee mugs
 They’re awesome
 Thank you
 Thank you, Robert
 We’ll see you next time
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