Dating After 50: Are You Really Undateable? 6 Hidden Blocks You Don’t Even Realize

Am I undatable? Am I just undatable? Yeah, maybe you are
 If you’re not having success, maybe you’re doing something that that’s prohibiting that
 [music] Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, I want to welcome back Lori Gerber, dating coach, relationship expert, love expert, and the host of Love at Any Age
 Lori, thank you so much for being here again
 I come just to hear that introduction
 It makes me so happy
 Thank you
 Well, you well deserve it
 I’m lucky to have you here
 How’s that? We We’ll go even a step
 We are a dynamic duo
 We are very synergistic
 Let’s turn a little bit more negative now
 [laughter] Not it’s not our usual
 Our topic today and so many women ask themselves that well and and men for that matter
 A lot of this information does apply to the men as well
 Am I undatable? Am I just undatable? That’s becoming kind of a trendy word, the un the undatable
 And the fact is, yeah, maybe you are
 If you’re if you’re not having success, maybe you’re doing something that that’s prohibiting that
 Explain Undatable to me briefly before we go through the signs
 I mean, I’ve been studying this for over 20 years, and I literally have a list of 34 obstacles to finding and maintaining healthy love
 That is the curriculum I go through with my private clients and in my course, just kind of one by one
 The good news is you don’t have all 34
 I’ve never met someone who has all 34 obstacles, but most people have about 10 to 15 and they don’t know it
 They actually come to me and they go, “It’s this, it’s, you know, they go, it’s my profile, it’s where I live, and it’s my height, you know, or my weight or whatever
” And I’m like, “Maybe, but probably it’s these 10 things, right?” So, it’s it’s really a mystery to folks
 Again, these are things that we don’t really think about unless they’re brought to our attention today
 Then six, we’re going to go through six hidden habits or truths or six things you may be doing that Yeah
 They Yeah
 The ones you might be missing, the the not so obvious ones
 [laughter] Exactly
 Exactly
 So, number one here, you’re not fully over your last long-term partner that even though you’re physically apart, you’re I wish this wasn’t so hard for people
 This is my first episode in love at any age is about detoxing is about is the position even open, right? And so you can think the position’s open because there’s no one next to you in the bed
 But if you’re busy stalking them on the internet or you’re thinking about them all the time or you’re fantasizing about them or you’re hoping they’re coming back or in some way relating to their ghost, it is a real process to actually clear that position
 Make sure you really look into it
 Well, because it’s not fair to you and it’s especially not fair to to the other person
 You don’t want to go into or start a relationship competing with the b essentially a ghost
 And it’s one of the number one fights
 It’s one of the number one fights in early dating and and early relationship
 Why is she calling? Why is he texting? Where why are you why do we still have that picture up? It’s it’s very common, especially now with social media
 that makes it makes it very difficult or very easy I should say to see whether or not that person actually is is available
 All right, let’s look at the second point here
 You’re carrying a negative or cynical mindset about dating
 So, you’re you’re bringing too much negativity to the table and that that’s felt by the man sitting across from you
 It really is
 All they want is that clean slate
 All they want is that open mind, open heart, fun, you know, but it is nearly impossible for us to leave our preconceived notions about what’s going to happen behind us unless, and this is why I do a very specific exercise with my clients, you write it all out very specifically, line by line
 Most people have somewhere between 10 and 20 negative theories about dating
 anything from my body’s not right to I’ll never find someone in my neighborhood to it’s just too hard, the dating sites stink, the it’s it’s 10 to 20 negative concepts
 All of which can end your patience for being in the game
 And it does take patience
 You know this from your own experience, right? It does take patience
 You It’s a game
 It’s like buying a house, right? You don’t just look for one
 You You got to shop around
 You got to go through disappointments
 Do you have to go through longing for something and not getting it or you know being pursued by something you don’t want and having to say no? It’s a whole world of of learning and growth for you
 But if you carry one set of negativity from the past or from some concept you got growing up into your future, you’ll prove yourself right
 That’s that’s a scientifically proven concept
 We are biased and our biases affect the results that we get because we see and collect evidence in that way
 And this this is holds true for men and women
 This is great advice for anybody
 Whatever you bring to the table, what what you think it is or what you believe, you’re going to create, it’s going to happen
 You’re going to prove yourself right
 One of the things that men say they most enjoy about women or what they get from being with a woman is their positivity, their brightness, their vitality, their ability to see possibility, creative answers to things
 So, they want that from us
 They kind of need that from us
 They notice if you come to a relationship, I won’t say baggage free, but with your baggage well contained on the side and an open mind at heart, they they really notice it and they really appreciate it
 And that’s not to say that, you know, your your mindset is not well based on stuff that you’ve experienced
 You know, maybe you had really crappy experiences, you know, dating again or online dating
 you know, a lot of people have, but you you need to identify that and get over it
 Otherwise, it’s just it’s just futile futile to to go and and make this process work
 So, number three here, you’ve become way too independent
 Boy, that is definitely something that we we need to deal with
 Yeah
 And that’s so hard, right? Because what are you supposed to do? You know, stop being independent, stop being self-sufficient, of course not
 It’s a beautiful accomplishment that you don’t need a partner, that you’re happy, that you have friends, you have family, you have a great home, you have your finances work, you know, all the things, right? It’s it’s beautiful
 And I don’t And actually, men really like independent women
 They do
 They say that they like women who can take care of themselves, who know what they want, need, who can bring satisfaction into their own lives
 So, the pressure is off of the man
 But men need to feel needed
 They need to feel useful
 They have so much energy and testosterone
 Even as they age, they have so much energy to give and they get so much from giving, contributing their wisdom and their, you know, their brawn, their brains and their brawn and their problem solving and all the things that they’re good at
 So, if there’s no place for them to feel worthy or useful, that’s a big loss
 That’s almost like a deal breaker, right? Why would I what’s in this for me if I cannot actually be giving you something, right? There’s no room for me
 You have to open up to have room for love, you know, as you said
 And I just want to reemphasize what you said to begin with
 You know, independence is this isn’t a bad thing
 It is good to have independence
 It’s bad when it just shuts out any, you know, room for a man or room for love
 And I don’t think we realize that that again, this is something that if it’s pointed out to us, you know, is this an issue that we can all of a sudden say, “Oh my gosh, that is me
” Here, number four, another another good one
 You think you’re too old, too late, or you’re past your prime, right? And this goes kind of under the same categories, too, which is a negative mindset, but it’s sort of a self flagagillating
 So, you can make yourself undatable by presenting yourself as undatable because you’re thinking it
 It’s like it it would be so nice if the thoughts in our head just affected us, but they don’t
 It’s like they have a broadcast vibration to the world
 Even if you sometimes we say them out loud, in which case we’re now hypnotizing other people to our negativity, but sometimes we just say them inside and people don’t know exactly what’s going on, but they can kind of feel a lower confidence, a lower vibration, less energy, less faith
 And so we can’t help it
 We mirror each other
 If you harp on the things that are imperfect about you, you can expect that other people are probably going to do that too eventually, right? They may they may start by going, “No, no, no
” But if you convince them long enough that they will believe you
 And the same goes for if you harp on, remember we just want to bias towards the positive
 If you harp on the things that are great about you, you will probably see the same
 Such a great point
 And it’s so important for women our age
 It does get hard
 It does get hard when you see, you know, your youth slipping away
 And and we talk about reframing then how we view aging
 You know, we’re getting older, but so are so are men
 [laughter] That that is Yes
 If we’re going to live, we’re going to get older
 Yes
 So really the the I guess the challenge is and I think you have that here
 You’re not past your love story
 You know, you’re entering a new chapter, which can be the best chapter
 We often talk about, you know, dating and love after 50 being the prime time of your life
 And and I attest to that
 Yay
 Yeah
 [laughter] Yay
 I I just think about, you know, I just recorded my sixth episode of my podcast and just when I compare that one to the first one I recorded, it’s like I’m so much better
 And why do we not? And I’m sure you feel the same way, right, on however many hundreds you’ve done
 But why why wouldn’t we think the same with relationships? Of course, we’re going to be better with practice
 Of course, we’re going to be better once we’ve messed up a million times, once we’ve discovered our our patterns
 you know, I’ve already learned so much from doing however many we’ve done together
 I’m not making the same mistakes
 I’m making new and different mistakes
 And it’s it so it is like anything
 Of course, you’re going to get better as you age
 It’s it’s it’s an advantage
 I want to add two two points to this that you have here I think that are worthy to point out that what happens when you have these beliefs that one you don’t flirt which is a huge you know we talk about flirting and then that’s you know a way to show men that you’re available and that you assume rejection before giving connection a chance
 Those are two such great points that I want to make sure we we we point out
 You all know people in their 80s who flirt
 I mean, probably mostly men, but my great aunt in into her 80s was a flirt
 And so, there is absolutely no time constraint, age constraint on flirting and making yourself available for fun connection
 I just I I just got called by a producer of a TV show
 She was doing a segment on dating over 50 and the guest was 94
 [laughter] She’s like, “I’m 94
 I want I’m looking for a man in his 80s
” Right? [laughter] just because I’m very vital and I’m very active and I don’t want some guy in his 90s, you know? So, it is uh throw your assumptions away, right? Throw your assumptions away
 It’s never too late
 It’s about it it is about mindset and you know, you may sit there and go, “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure
” It it really is
 I mean, it is about mindset
 Does it get a little bit more challenging as we age? Yeah, maybe
 But again, it’s mindset
 Number five here, you carry shame or regret about your past
 that you know with our divorce, heartache, etc
 that I’m ashamed of my past
 Right
 It’s interesting
 I I was literally just coaching a gentleman in his early 60s, I believe, who kept talking about his shame about his marriage and how he be how he behaved in his marriage
 And the exercise I did was to really break down what do you regret? Because sometimes people actually were victimized in their relationships and they’ve switched it around to feeling guilty, right? Because that’s somehow what they’ve learned in their family of origin
 So sometimes you’re taking blame and feeling guilty for things you should absolutely not be feeling guilty about
 But sometimes you really have a little short list of things you should be feeling guilty about
 Like you never learned your partner’s love language or you didn’t listen well or you prioritize work over your relationship or you didn’t take care of their sexual needs or you know there really is one or two or three things that you sincerely do regret about your past
 And you know what? You can make amends
 And if you’re not in communication with that person or they are not still alive or it wouldn’t be healthy to communicate, you can do that by a proxy or you can write a letter and burn it or you can send it in the mail and ask for no response
 But there is actual work you can do to heal that
 And a lot of people need that’s one of the 34 obstacles to finding and maintaining healthy love is there’s something you haven’t forgiven yourself for
 And so you’re not going to give yourself the prize
 You’re not going to give yourself the thing you really want because you’re subconsciously punishing yourself
 And so if you make the amends, if you reach out and make the apology, even if you don’t get forgiven, but often you will, that is now cleared from your energetic or spiritual slate, and you now can love again and believe in love again
 It’s it’s profound
 It’s very deep
 I I love that that well, talk about something to think about
 And and that leads right into number six, our last point here, that you believe there’s something about you that nobody could love
 Unfortunately, almost everyone has one of those, right? If it’s not that guilt and shame, it’s something that maybe, again, I’m coaching another 57year-old woman who really hasn’t processed the sexual abuse of her childhood
 And I I I’m sorry to bring it up in 18minute segment because it’s such a deep topic, but if you haven’t addressed trauma and shame from childhood or your first marriage or really anything you’re not over, you will have it subconsciously as a reason why you can’t have lasting healthy love again
 To bring it back to my original point, yeah, your profile might be garbage and your pictures might be poorly lit, but that is really not the first place to go when you’re looking to be ready to be datable, you know, and and truly open to love
 The first place to look is what have I not forgiven in myself? What have I not forgiven in others? What have I not spoken up about that hurt me and been honest about that? What is that deeper work that we know is the work for self-love that needs to really get done that that being lonely is forcing you to face, right? Like I think great, you’re undatable
 Good
 Date yourself, right? What good date be with a therapist or a coach
 Like go do your work that you’re being pushed to do so that then you can have every dream you’ve ever wanted because you earned it through loving yourself
 And sometimes it’s it’s can be as easy as just having the awareness of it that now you have an explanation
 Huge first step
 Yeah
 Now and if that awareness brings up deeper thoughts and yes absolutely I’m all for therapy but now there are so many things so many books so many articles that that are good out there
 I think being aware that there’s something that is just you’re you’re putting up this shield that love can get into your life that that’s huge and it’s it’s big big at our age because of all the history that that we have
 So So what do we take away from this one, Lori? What what is the main message here? If you’re undatable, that’s okay
 [laughter] Like that’s that’s that’s your list of things to do, right? There really is a finite, in my opinion, 34 things, right? quite finite set of obstacles to overcome or things to understand
 Nobody has to do all 34
 But you do have your prescription
 You do have your agenda
 You do have your list of things to do to become more datable, datable, more lovable to yourself, more lovable to others, more accessible, more open, more believing
 So do your inventory
 Right? This is not a life sentence whatsoever
 It’s just a knock on the door to please pay attention to the things that will make your life better
 Yeah
 What really needs to be fixed as you say the the pro some of the the the the you know things on the top are are not what’s what’s what’s stopping you is how you make other people feel essentially with all of this
 You you’re casting negative energy and that is picked up
 Lori, again, so much to think about, so much great information that really, really is helpful
 And if you need more help in this department, if you’d like to talk with Lori directly, maybe coach with her, like so many of you out there have already done, all of her contact information is in the show notes below
 Lots of it you can find on the website
 And don’t forget her brand new podcast, Love at Any Age
 Click on it, like it, subscribe, and Lori
 I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV
 [music]