Dating After 50: Making the Same Relationship Mistakes Again? 7 Patterns Keeping you Stuck!

And this is a great episode because I think we’re talking about stuff that that are is sort of deep and dark inside people, right? They don’t really even e either they’ve never thought about it or they’ve never heard these words or these terms
 [music] Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, Trevor Brandon Sharf is back with us, the relationship expert, dating coach, and the author of Done Being Single
 Trevor, thanks for being here again
 Thank you for having me
 And hello, Second Act, my people
 Trevor, today I think I think an interesting topic quite frankly, something that we talk about here a lot is not recreating the same relationship over and over again
 like do you have a pattern of ending up with the same mistakes? We’re going to look at the seven most common relationship patterns that are being written about out there
 And by the way, I have clearly identified a pattern for you and clearly identified [laughter] a pattern for me and I’ll we’ll disclose that I’ll disclose that when we get to it
 So, okay
 As we talk about this, can you our viewers here, did you identify with any of this? It might be eyeopening like it was for me
 The first one here, the fixer pattern
 Let’s start with that
 What is what is a fixer pattern? Oh, I have a terrible feeling I’m going to be guilty of all of these the these patterns really
 Who at this age doesn’t see a little of themselves in and as we go through these patterns? Yes, Fixer
 Of course
 Of course
 you know, uh especially if you are sort of wired to be that kind of a person, which I am
 I’m a doer
 I’m a giver
 I’m a fixer
 I’m a rescuer
 But you know what? Um you need to draw draw a line because not everybody needs to be fixed
 Not everybody wants to be fixed
 It is not your job
 I I think you you hit some key words here is the the caregiving and supportive that you know do you keep attracting people that you want to fix or or you know all of a sudden become their mommy and while it’s good you know in your life but you don’t want to do that in a relationship
 That’s where this pattern can really mess you up
 Pretty soon you’re seen as the caregiver versus the romantic partner in a relationship
 You can’t be fixing people because again not your job
 You got to you got to really draw your boundaries
 Um you can be helpful and supportive and nurturing and that’s it
 If you don’t recognize that you start creating a situation that you become resentful of you know it’s like oh I have to do everything
 He can’t do anything for himself
 When you kind of maybe created that and this gives a lot to think about really especially from a woman’s perspective
 This is for both the these patterns are both apply to men and women
 Just one more thing about that
 Um and I I talk about this in my book
 I I got in a a pattern of in my in my 40s of dating divorced guys
 Divorced and separated guys
 I managed to find them all
 Okay
 And and boy did they need fixing
 And and I launched for you
 Yeah
 And I would launch into action, right? And try to heal them and love them
 so much that they would get, you know, realize that I was the greatest thing ever only for them to say, “Thank you so much for your service
 You’re no longer needed and go off and marry someone else
” So, that was um something I learned
 It’s it’s a pattern that you you don’t recognize it unless you hear it
 It’s the awareness again
 That’s why we do these segments
 So, if this again rings true for you, let us know in the comments
 Here, here’s number two
 The avoider pattern, you know, choosing emotionally unavailable or just unavailable people
 It it protects your heart
 [laughter] It’s bad
 I mean, you’re never going to get the love that you want, right? If you keep avoiding the thing that you need to do, which is ultimately to open yourself up, open your heart, and be vulnerable, which is scary as to be uh to, you know, open yourself up because yes, most people are guarded
 Most people at this age, they’ve been hurt, they’ve been disappointed, they’ve been dumped
 You know, it it’s um proceed with caution
 So, yes, I I know a lot of people that that are avoidant types that, you know, go with emotions and they date and they until it gets too serious or it gets too real and then, oh no, no, I got to I’m out
 So are you someone who tends to draw that into your life, avoid really the risk, as you say, of of getting close and being and real intimacy? Yes
 People do that subconsciously so that they will never get hurt
 They do it on purpose
 I’m going to date this person who is so inappropriate and and so really not for me
 So because I know deep down un, you know, subconsciously, uh, it’s never going to work
 So I’ll never be hurt, right? No harm, no foul
 In the meantime, you know, they don’t get what they need
 Here’s the pattern again
 And then they’re back to scare square one
 Well, if again, if something rings true here, it’s certainly something more to think about
 Number three, this is a good one, too
 The chaser pattern
 This this is interesting
 A lot of people tend to both men and women tend to fall into that if that’s an inclination that they have that you fall you know for people who are inconsistent who give you mixed signals that somehow you’re caught up in the chase
 Yeah
 People do that
 They they love what they can’t have
 They want it even more
 Or if it’s wrong or if it’s bad or if it’s unhealthy
 The thing that it gives it brings them excitement
 It’s the chase
 It’s the pursuit which in and of itself is sort of it’s lovely court you know that’s courting courting right you’re pursuing someone which is beautiful until it becomes you know toxic and unhealthy and dysfunctional or or not productive okay that’s when you know it’s a pattern you’re you’re going for people for the chase and then what happens when you get them you lose interest it’s not exciting anymore you got them and now you know that’s a pattern I’ve seen that before it’s very very uh unhealthy unhealthy thing to do and yeah a lot of people it’s it’s almost like an addiction they say here and I agree with that and it’s it’s a pattern if you’re stuck in that you’re going to remain just anxious and really powerless
 It’s it’s yeah you don’t you’re you’re addicted to the chase versus the catch
 Right
 Right
 the to the to the satisfaction of the of the catch
 And that is something that might be I all of these are fixable
 You you you know once you bring some awareness and this is a great episode because I think we’re talking about stuff that that are is sort of deep and dark inside people, right? They don’t really even either they’ve never thought about it or they’ve never heard these words or these terms
 And yes, I’m hoping that it resonates because the chaser um pattern that that that need is so ultimately kind of unfulfilling, right? But it hurts the other person
 So So yes, you get the person, right? You you nab the the girl or the guy and then what? And then you end up realizing, you know what, I’m I’m I’ve lost interest
 This is not exciting anymore
 And then that poor person goes off and feels like Yep
 they gave in and that it’s true and and so have you ever heard yourself saying that you know it it’s after the chase is over it’s all it’s all gone you know the chase is over the excitement is gone it’s a very unhealthy unhealthy it’s not a game not not a game people’s hearts are not to be played with here here’s another good one uh the settler pattern that especially common as they say here for for midlife daters because you know this might be as good as it gets So you’re getting into a pattern of settling for less than what what may perhaps you really want
 That that’s a whole other discussion too
 What is settling? What is not? But let me get your input on that
 Okay
 So I see the positives in this because I think we’re living in in a time where people this is going to sound crazy
 They don’t settle enough
 Um they don’t uh they don’t Yes
 what you have might be as good as it gets and that’s pretty great and that’s good
 You know what I mean? I’ I kind of feel like people are looking and looking and searching and searching in because because online dating it it wires your brain that way to think there’s someone better, someone better
 There’s always someone more perfect, the next swipe, the next person
 Maybe not
 Yeah
 So settling is a good thing if you if you get rid of the expectations and the the the unreasonable criteria and the stuff that maybe the standards that people can’t meet that will never meet and you just say wait a second is this this person’s pretty good
 I’m going to settle on this person
 Yeah
 I I think that’s so interesting and I had the same reaction when I read this one, the settler found because I I think that’s changed from perhaps years ago is because of online dating as you explained it
 You know, we have we have such so many choices or we think we have so many choices that we we we go for perfection and it’s never going to come
 So really look at that
 are, you know, if you’re on one side or the other and is that keeping you from really starting a relationship, is that keeping you from finding one? Okay, here’s here’s the one that when I read I said, “Oh my god, this is this is me
” The repeater pattern
 It’s when you unconsciously is what they write here, recreate your d, you know, your last relationship dynamics being either a pleaser, a peacekeeper, or you whatever you’re unconsciously doing that, and I’m reading this more and more like it says you’re different people, same story
 Just the other day, I’m thinking, you know, with Paul, oh my god, this situ is like the way it was with Larry
 And then I thought, who’s the common denominator here? Was me because these are two men that are totally different
 And I I felt like I was in a situation like I did with with my ex
 What was what was interesting to me here is that this is something we really wouldn’t realize, if you will, unless you’re made aware of it like I was
 This hit me just in the face is what am I? And I really don’t know what I did to be quite frank
 [laughter] Yeah
 Yeah
 Yeah
 But yeah, this this is that can happen
 Has that happened to you? Has that happened to anybody else out there? It happens
 It happens with anybody that’s been in a long-term relationship and mostly divorced
 A lot of my clients, uh, we talk a lot about what went wrong, you know, what they what they think happened
 And I get them to be very real with themselves and take a hard look at themselves and so that they don’t repeat it in the next one so that they can catch themselves and hear themselves and see themselves and am I oh no am I doing this again? Um, that’s so important for everybody, not single or not single, to be able because I catch myself doing things um that aren’t particularly productive sometimes
 And I have to almost slap myself on the wrist and say, “Knock it off
” I think this is maybe where some of the sayings, if you will, come from, oh, all men are the same
 All women are the same
 Because if that happens in your life, you may be creating those situations that are all the same
 And and that’s that’s this is a really deep one
 And I I’m going to think about that some more because that was a re it really was it was a revelation to me that here’s two totally different men and I felt there’s here’s a very similar situation and that’s just wrong
 Yeah
 Good for you
 Good for you
 Self-awareness
 Self-awareness
 We love that
 Here’s another good one
 The fantasy pattern that you fall for potential of a person versus what they really are
 That happens
 Sure
 Especially in the beginning
 How about meeting someone online first and and creating all of these fantasy scenarios about who this person’s going to be before you even meet them? Yeah, that’s going to that’s going to set you up for disappointment every time
 The fantasy the fantasy
 The expectations are killers
 I’ve said this, I think, in every episode we’ve ever had
 Having unrealistic expectations are killers
 You will never meet them
 the person, God help that person, they will never meet it
 If you have this sort of fantasy idea of what it’s going to be or what he could be, well, you know, he’s not this now or she’s not, you know, this way now, but I think it’s going to get there and I’m I’m pretty certain it will
 And oh gosh, what happens when it doesn’t? I so common
 And again, if this strikes a nerve, [laughter] you’re not alone
 This is very, very common
 And it’s also you don’t want to see red flags
 I mean, you might be getting hit in the face with red flags that this isn’t going to happen, but you you know, you’re you’re still in that fantasy that maybe you can change the person or Sure
 something’s going to happen that that won’t
 It’s it it’s another good one
 The last one here, and this is the one I thought, okay, this is Trevor
 See if you agree with me
 Okay, bring it
 Come on
 The lone wolf
 Oh, yes
 when you’re fiercely in a single independent and you don’t let people in to do stuff for you
 Oh my god
 [laughter] Can we have a segment and just about this? That is this is this is so You agree with me? Agree
 Oh Jesus
 This is me entirely
 This is my this is my thing
 Um I am was single for so long, right? And an only child, right? So, um, talk about lone wolf, man
 I’m super independent, fiercely independent, too independent, too self-reliant
 Yes, there is such a thing
 Uh, now that I’m I’m married, I’m in a partnership
 I forget
 I do everything
 I just natural instinct do it from by myself
 Do it because I can get it done
 I get done, right? That’s not partnership
 It gets me into a ton of fights
 You could actually make the argument that lone wolf or being too independent is very much about avoidancy
 Avoidant, right? And the things that keep us single
 Yeah
 I think there comes a point where you have to say, you know what, if I want love, if I want to be in a relationship, I’ve got to start acting like it, having some trust and faith that this person will be there for me or catch me or be able to collaborate with me
 And I still haven’t gotten that
 So, you know, we can talk to Robbie
 He’ll tell you all day long, this is the basis of We had a conversation about that
 We had a conversation about that on one of the segments when you both were on which just reminded me this that this is Trevor and this is a pattern and now now you it’s a pattern Trevor
 It’s it’s the awareness they’ve named it
 Now you can deal with it
 You’re welcome
 Thank you
 Thank you
 I am aware of it
 I have to stop myself, hear myself, catch myself
 Okay? Because that this is what growth is all about
 people
 The It says here, and I love this, that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is let someone contribute
 Again, I thought, Trevor, [laughter] oh my god
 Okay, we’re done picking on you
 Done picking
 Okay
 Okay
 Yes
 Yes
 Well, I’m glad that you know, you definitely can identify with it
 Wondering
 Again, looking forward to the comments on this
 I think each one of these gives you a lot to think about
 And in closing, patterns can be good too
 Patterns if you can get into good ones and and develop good habits will serve you well everywhere in life, right? Yeah
 Like I say, I mean I when I put research into show or segments, I learn something new every single every single time and I’m hoping that our viewers view do too
 So So if you want some extra help, be be sure to contact trauma
 What makes me um shameless plug here um a good coach is for all of the affformentioned things we just spoke about because I related to every one of them
 I have done every one of them
 I am guilty pretty much of every one of those patterns
 I have walked in your shoes
 Okay? There’s not many things I have not personally experienced
 So this is what I think makes a good coach is that I relate
 I identify and I know exactly what it takes to undo those things and heal and start dating and living better
 A absolutely and you’re going to have a whole lot of fun
 Trevor is just fun
 [laughter] So Trevor, thank you again for your time
 I always love being with you here and I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV
 Bye everybody
 Thank you
 [music]