Dating After 50: What is Toxic Positivity? When “Always Be Positive” Backfires Big Time

I think that when you do fall into that trap of toxic positivity, you’re in a constant state of not feeling good enough
 You’re you’re obviously doing something wrong if you express feeling badly about something
 Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, I want to welcome back Sandy Weiner, the dating coach, relationship expert, the founder of Last First Date, and the author of Choice Points in Dating and Love at Last
 Sandy, thanks for being here again
 Great to be back
 Sandy, today toxic positivity
 We talk a lot about being positive, staying positive
 Don’t bring the negative, you know, to a date or just in general to people in dating especially, you know, you you hear, you know, the just move on, don’t be sad, keep smiling
 However, there is such a thing as we’re learning here as toxic positivity that in some way can be just as harmful
 What is toxic positivity? It’s basically the belief that we always have to be upbeat
 We always have to be happy
 No matter what we’re really feeling, we just have to always just keep on keeping on
 Everything’s great
 It’s just not realistic
 And I think what we’re doing when we say, “Everything’s great
 Don’t be sad
 Just move on
 You had a breakup
 Okay, no problem
 Move on
” You are not processing feelings
 And most of us struggle with that anyway
 you know, we don’t know how to process what we’re feeling, what we’re needing
 I spend so much of my coaching time helping people do that
 Dating is not a straight line
 It is filled with ups and downs
 And so if we don’t acknowledge, we don’t have to dwell there, but don’t acknowledge that that that dating comes with lots of emotions that we don’t just focus on trying to stay happy all the time because that is bad for us and it’s bad for connection and toxic uh toxic positivity people can be super annoying too
 Super annoying
 Super annoying at times
 And I don’t we’re laughing about this a little bit, you We’re not here to say, “Oh, start being negative
” That that’s not the point of the segment, but it is to understand the difference between healthy healthy positivity and and and toxic
 And you know, we’ll build that into our conversation because I think it’s a super important point
 So, how what are some examples of toxic positivity so people understand what we’re talking about here? I think one of the big ones is just I’m fine
 I’m fine
 Right
 I have a friend who says that she’ll she’ll go, “Oh, really struggling
 You know, my kid did this and that and this, but I’m fine
 I’m fine
” And I’m like, “We can’t even finish the conversation
” Because she’s already taken away the ability to connect on anything she just shared because she doesn’t want to dwell there
 So, we can be exhausted
 We can feel frustrated
 We can feel angry, but we don’t want to be vulnerable
 So, we say, “I’m fine
” And it’s it’s a real barrier to connection
 Yeah, it it it absolutely is
 And a lot of times it’s like I’m fine
 Well, you already know you’re not
 Yeah
 If you say it like this, I’m fine
 Fine
 I know
 That’s it
 Uh it there’s a lot in those two words, three words
 Yeah
 Pretending like past relationships didn’t hurt
 Yeah
 Because we got we got to stay positive, right? Yeah
 So yeah, it is painful to end a relationship
 It’s painful to get divorced
 It’s painful to have loss
 So it’s common to feel pain
 And don’t dismiss the pain, but also don’t dwell on the pain
 Past relationships, even if you were the one who left, it’s still is a mourning, a loss of something you wished would have worked out, for example
 So you could even say that to a person you’re dating
 you know, I really wanted it to work and unfortunately we couldn’t work through our issues and now I’m ready to find somebody else
 You know, that’s very different from it was no big deal, right? Like a couple other things here that I think are very relatable is, you know, like brushing off rejection or downplaying loneliness that hurts you in the long run
 People will often say, “Oh, you dodged a bullet
 Don’t worry about it
 Just move on
” you know, or saying my single life is so great even when you’re really lonely
 I mean, yeah, you should create a great life as a single person, but you also are going to have moments of loneliness and yearning
 All of it is part of the whole being of who you are, not just the I’m great, everything’s fine
 Yeah
 Where like where do we get that? I think that one of the big pieces to this to to being quite frankly in my opinion a maybe afraid’s too strong but so hesitant to say how we really feel is because other people tell us that we shouldn’t feel that way
 A well-meaning friend, you know, oh, you’re going to find someone if you are the the well-meaning friend
 This is also an important conversation
 Absolutely
 you know, we don’t know how to be with hard feelings in general
 So, if a friend shares something, we don’t always have the words to say something supportive
 So, we’ll say, “Hey, you’ll be fine
 You’ll get over it
 You always do
” But right now I need some support, you know, and yeah, it starts often at home, you know, where don’t cry, buck up, you know, you should be grateful that you don’t have it as bad as the people next door, you know, it’s and you hear it all the time
 People will say, “I’m I’m suffering, but it could be worse
” Why not just say, “I’m suffering right now
” I’m not
 It could be worse because right now you have a right to feel what you feel because then you just start feeling even worse
 You know, it’s like, wow, I you know, I I I it should be better or like the forcing gratitude, you know, I should just be thankful that I’m healthy
 Yeah, you should be thankful you’re healthy, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be hurt about something, too
 Another great example, I think, is uh posting constant upbeat messages on social media
 Talk about toxic positivity
 And that can actually be very annoying, too
 But just living my best life
 Yeah, I know
 And it’s such an important thing to know that what we see on social media is just a tiny snippet of what life really looks like
 And it’s nice when people say, “Hey, here’s what happens behind the scenes
 It took me five hours to get that shot
” and my kids were screaming in the background and you know I had just had the worst day of my life but I just wanted to share this and you know then there are the people who are the opposite who will cry every time they get on social media and want you to see the full breadth of their deepest emotions and I can’t handle that either
 You know it’s it’s the extremes that I think are really difficult
 No, I I totally agree
 And again, if I if I have to choose one extreme over the other, I’ll I’ll, you know, pick uh positivity versus the negativity
 But I think that when you do fall into that trap of toxic positivity, you’re in a constant state of not feeling good enough
 You know, you’re you’re obviously doing something wrong if you express feeling badly about something
 And they have some other good examples here of healthy positivity versus toxic
 How to tell the difference
 Maybe that will help clarify some of this is that like like instead of um I never get discouraged about dating
 You know, it’s like, oh, I never get discouraged about it
 Everything is wonderful
 Just, you know, dating can be frustrating sometimes, but I’m staying open and uh hopeful
 I know you I’m sure you have more examples like that
 Yeah
 saying everything happens for a reason
 I don’t believe bad things happen
 I don’t believe to be negative
 Like, oh god, I hate that so much
 Yeah, I know
 Um I think we find a reason, but um you know to say that that breakup was hurtful, but I’m learning from it
 I’m healing
 I’m trying to do better next time
 It’s acknowledging the pain and then looking for the positivity
 You know, don’t negate the pain part
 So saying no drama, no baggage
 This is what people write on their profiles all the time
 I don’t want anybody with drama
 Well, everybody’s got baggage
 Everybody’s got drama
 So, you know, just to say we all come with our history, but what really matters is did we learn? Did we grow from it? It’s interesting
 I’ll uh look in the for in the comments
 Please leave your comments
 You know, how has toxic positivity affected you? like are you toxic when it comes to being positive or is it you know being fed to you somehow that you’re especially people on this channel a lot of people who are watching this channel they have been divorced they just lost someone you know they’re they’re frustrated with the dating process and there’s a lot of things to be upset about without being totally negative you know what what have you heard what what are some of the things that really bother you I had an experience very early on in dating after my divorce where there was a man who we had a phone call and the entire phone call he did not want to talk about anything negative and he kept saying that like no I don’t want to go there no that only positive only and I remember being so turned off I didn’t know the term toxic positivity but I was like you’re cutting off the conversation at every turn you know I don’t want to dwell on the negative but you’re not allowing for a full conversation you’re just saying you know positive vibes only You know, that was it was such a turnoff to me and you know, I want to be real with people and I hope that our listeners feel the same way
 So So what if we are the friend? What do you do then? What what advice do you have for friends who give chronically positive direction? So if you’re the kind of person who has done that, you know, saying you’re going to be okay, everything’s great
 It all happens for a reason
 really be mindful of your language
 For example, if somebody shares that they just had a breakup
 Don’t say it’s okay, you know, you dodged a bullet, you’re going to find somebody soon
 Use empathy, you know, and that must be hurtful
 That, you know, that that sounds like it was really hurtful
 You were really looking forward to this relationship working out
 How can I support you? people who lose, you know, get get divorced don’t say, “Well, I never liked that person anyway
” I had people tell me that um I never liked your husband
 That’s that actually is very demeaning because even if I didn’t like my husband at the end, I married this person and I stayed with him for a long time
 So instead, you could say that, you know, your marriage must have been really hard for you
 You know, how do you feel now? You know, even when somebody tells you they’re divorced, don’t say great or I’m so sorry
 Either one of those is not a great response
 Just to say h how can I support you? Or how do you feel? How’s it going for you? you know, get curious, use empathy, don’t give people advice, you know, empathize with them instead
 And don’t don’t just tell them to move on
 They need to process things
 One of the examples I give here about the don’t don’t say that to a divorce person is, you know, don’t say, “Well, at least you were married once
” I know
 Would somebody actually say, “I guess they do
” Especially if they were never married, you know, and they would say, “Well, at least you had a marriage
” It’s not helpful
 Yeah
 Or just get back out there
 That’s another Yeah, I think I’ve said that
 You have to really analyze in what context you you know you you say stuff like that
 I mean, obviously we’re in that space of encouraging people
 But the more we talk about this and and other segments also, it is so important to recognize where the person is who you’re talking talking with
 And toxic positivity can actually make it can can make it worse
 So how how do we avoid it? How do we avoid the toxic positivity trap? Especially, you know, when people around us are the ones that are unintentionally making us feel like we need to be positive
 Yeah
 I mean, people do mean well for the most part
 You know, I I think that when you say just move on and everything happens for a reason, they’re just trying to make you feel better, but actually they’re making themselves feel better
 So, you know, have permission to feel
 And also let people know that that this isn’t helpful
 You know, here’s what I really need
 And I remember telling my mom when she was trying to tell me not to feel something
 I I appreciate that you’re trying to help because she was, but can I tell you what would work better for me? And I’ve said that to people who said, “I’m so sorry you’re divorced
” When I wasn’t sorry I was divorced because it took so long to get there
 I was feeling really good
 So that’s the opposite
 And I would say, you know, can I tell you what would work better for me? So you want to give people permission to feel but also educate people as to what what works better for you
 Yeah
 And give yourself permission to to feel as as it says here fully that you don’t it’s it’s not up to you to rush through grief or hurt
 Yes
 You don’t want to bring people down constantly
 That that gets real old real fast
 But yeah, you have to at least acknowledge it and and sit in it for a bit
 says here to be honest but not bitter when dating
 That that’s that’s good advice
 That’s really good advice because so many people just carry the victim mindset of this was a terrible thing that happened to me
 So, you know, I encourage people to be vulnerable to say it was hard and to say and now, you know, now I’m ready for this
 So, this is what happened and I’m looking forward to the next stage in my life
 So, it’s not like, oh, everything’s fine
 It’s, you know, everything wasn’t fine
 I’ve been working really hard on it
 I I don’t know what struck me about this, but I think that this is such an important important topic because authenticity, we preach authenticity, and this is anything but being authentic
 You know, authenticity sounds like it would be the easiest thing in the world
 Just be yourself
 And it is one of the hardest things because we’ve been conditioned to be positive
 We’ve been conditioned to be people pleasers
 We want to make people happy
 And I think if you can reenter yourself and ask what would make me happy, what would actually feel true to me before you give bad advice that’s overly positive or accept overly positive, toxic advice, then you’ll be much more grounded in your ability to respond and to be your true self
 I would say this is a practice
 It doesn’t happen overnight
 We are conditioned to do this our whole lives
 And so to switch to honesty and not just turning everything into sunshine can take some work, but it’s important work
 What I really liked about this, what struck me is that there’s just such a thing as toxic positivity
 I’ve I had not heard that word and and it’s like it’s okay
 There is such a thing
 I don’t have to be positive all the time
 Right
 Yeah
 So if you feel like that and you really need some help in this department, Sandy incidentally is a communications expert which is so important when it comes to the our topic our topic today and check out her podcast
 We don’t talk about your podcast enough
 Last first date radio
 Thank you Sandy
 I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV