Dating over 50: 4 Things Men Say When They’re NOT Ready to Commit!

There are some things that men say that we need to pay attention to that are clear signs that he’s not ready to commit
 So, I want to go over those today
 Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, I’m so happy to welcome back Bob Grant, the relationship expert, dating coach, and founder of Relationship Headquarters
 Bob, thanks so much for being here
 Thanks, Zach
 It’s always nice to be with you
 Yeah
 Our our topic today, Bob, I think a lot of women are going to be interested in this
 It’s very frustrating, especially well, early in the dating process that, you know, is he serious about me? Is he ready to commit? And based on a lot of writing that you have done and on your website, there are some things that men say that we need to pay attention to that are clear signs that he’s not ready to commit
 So, I want to go over those today
 And I’ll throw the first one out to you here
 If he says, “I’m just really busy right now
” What What’s he really saying? I love the inflection when you do that because it’s it really depends on what’s going on
 So, there’s going to be some times in their life where there really is a life circumstance where he has um a a job interview coming up or a deadline that you’ve known about
 And this is more of him reminding you of that
 But just in general when he says this, one of the things I’ve known, Psych, is that for men, when something’s a priority, we find a way to make time
 Now, that may be something that’s more of a priority for me than it is for you
 It may just be something I don’t like you’re suggesting I’m doing
 But if we’re looking for a pattern, we’re starting to hear that come up, pay attention because that’s my concern is that that’s a lack of investment that he’s doing
 And if he’s not making a priority, I would I would pay attention to that and other things that might be going on in your relationship
 I I agree
 I think just in general that’s if if anybody tells you, “Oh, you know, I’m just so busy
” That excuse basically says it’s not important to them
 I mean, I think that runs true for for just about anything
 So, definitely pay attention to it
 Yes, there are exceptions and you explained that well, but it’s definitely a red flag and something, you know, to pay attention to
 Uh, number two here, you deserve you deserve better than me
 At the heart of that, there’s a spirit of being condescending because you deserve better than me
 I’m only going to say that if I believe I’m from a superior position
 So, if I really believe that with someone, I’m not going to tell them that
 It’s like telling someone that water’s wet
 And it’s a way of avoiding a difficult conversation as opposed to, you know, I’m sorry, I don’t think we’re a good fit
 you know, where where you’re you’re wanting to get married and I’m not ready to get married right now
 Or I just think when we, you know, get angry at each other, we just have different ways of trying to work that out
 Now, now that’s a more authentic conversation
 It’s more complicated
 It might be more difficult, but it’s more real
 But when someone says that phrase, you’re doing that to make yourself feel better, that you’re like a great guy, that I’m just not going to let someone down that way
 Perfect explanation
 And the worst thing I think of I think you would agree woman can do is is like try to convince him that that you are good enough or something
 I mean it’s just silly and it’s easy to do
 I mean we’re scared and we’re nervous in the moment
 But if we can just hold on during that moment and not try to to react or something because you’re we calm down
 You know you and I wouldn’t do this with our friends
 If someone treated our friend that way, we’d be like, um, I know you’re heartbroken right now, but honest to goodness, I don’t like that guy or I don’t like the way we would instantly feel that toward them
 And we just want to do the same thing, you know, have that same value for ourselves
 Exactly
 And and remember, these are warning signs
 So, if you’re hearing this, as Bob said, and it’s a pattern, you know, it it’s do pay attention to that and save yourself a lot of time
 Here’s one boy that I I actually had heard that
 Let’s just see where this goes
 On a first date, that’s fine
 But usually that comes up is they they’ve been into this for a few dates and she doesn’t have any idea as to what his intentions are or are we going towards something exclusive? Are we not going to do that? And then she asks, which is a fair question, or have just wondering some idea
 And he says, let’s see where it goes
 The problem I have with that is, and guys, I’m not saying women don’t do this either
 Men are men want the woman to kind of park it while he makes up his mind
 And I think that I’m not saying the man’s awful
 I just think that’s an awful position for a woman or a man to be in as opposed to them have more clarity
 And you know, what’s the hesitation? Maybe I just came out of a breakup not long ago and I remember my problem
 I am nervous about getting another relationship
 Okay, that’s that
 Understand that
 Um, but just leaving it loosey goosey
 We could do that for a year or two
 We we see if if I’m the recipient, I have no idea how long that lasts
 And that’s the part I think’s unfair
 And so, are you willing to tolerate it? That’s again
 So, in in a way, the woman is in complete control here
 You may not want to let go, but you have that option
 You don’t have to take this
 Number four, another one to really pay attention to, and it’s something that women don’t maybe want to see because they want it to work so bad
 I don’t want to commit because he’s giving you a specific reason
 And when he says it, the one I’ve heard probably the most, and maybe you’ve heard this too, is when a man says, you know, I’m just never going to get married again
 Mhm
 And when I hear that, I tell women, I go, “You need to really pay attention to that one
” Because men don’t say that lightly
 By the time a man says that, there’s usually a reason
 Usually, it’s a divorce or or some trauma or something
 And it doesn’t mean that they have to want to get married to be healthy
 It doesn’t mean that, but it means they’ve resolved to themselves that’s not for me for whatever reason
 And that’s not something they’re open to, you know, changing or wanting to change
 I’m good the way it is
 Don’t try to change me
 Let’s have a good time
 And if you’re okay with that, that’s fine
 But but don’t count on dating him and loving him enough that you’re going to change him
 I’ve seen too many where that doesn’t happen
 I’ve seen women waste years waiting on a great guy, but just was never going to commit like she wanted
 Yeah
 If that’s what you want, definitely pay attention
 I Paul and I are in probably not a unique situation, but are in that
 You know, we’ve been together 15 years
 He does not want to get married again and neither does this one
 I mean we really marriage is to us is is you know bringing this state into our rel
 It’s just not a good thing
 It would it would have literally a negative cloud over the relationship be it wrong or right
 It doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship but if you want to get married which a lot of people do big red sign that that you want to pay attention to
 I like what you said there how clear that it’s it’s more of this is what I like or this is my conviction this is what and I think that kind of clarity helps the other person and so if you hear someone you know like what you said was I thought was really well said is that see that there’s no this is a problem for me what do you think it’s not that it’s just no that that’s and that kind of that I think that helps if someone doesn’t hear that most of the time it’s because they don’t want to hear it and again not to be ugly and see you made that so clear
 It’s hard not to hear that unless I just don’t want to hear it
 Yeah, you have to be on the same page and that’s that’s the key I think and and yeah, this is one like as as you say in in your book to really pay attention to or as you already said, you can waste years and years and a lot of women do
 Bob, I wanted to get your your input on some other other things that weren’t in your blog that are very specific to over 50 and see what you think about this
 If he says, “I’m still healing from my divorce
” Now, you’re Yeah, that’s probably true
 But why does that really matter to pay attention to? It depends on how it’s being used
 My My concern with open-ended things is I I can wait until I’m ready
 That could be 40 years, which is fine for me, but it may not be fine for you doing that
 It absolves me from having to be specific like what is it I how am I going to know if I’m healed? what what is it? Do I need a prenuptual? Is that going to help? Is it going to be I need to see you get angry first so I can see how we resolve conflict? You know, taking some ownership
 So, that’s what I’ve had couples when I’m talking to women
 I’ll say, “Well, let’s ask him a little bit
” Um, not so much when’s the date, but you know, what do you mean by healing or or or what? Because if this is just a nebulous thing, I think that’s more than fair for a woman to have some idea as to is this something you want to be healed? Is it something needs to be healed? Is it because I don’t want to be held hostage? And I think that’s more than fair for her not to want to be in that position, right? And using it the divorce as an excuse
 It’s something that it it’s difficult to challenge that because it makes so much sense
 You know, I need to heal
 Well, we on this show tell people, you know, don’t go jump into another relationship unless you’re over your divorce
 So, yeah
 Again, you explained that very well
 To what extent are you going to tolerate that? I’ll even go a step further in fairness to either one
 You know, if someone’s dating and then they’re saying that, I mean, the one thing is why are you dating? I mean, please don’t say that to them
 That probably won’t work
 But that’s what I’m thinking
 I’m I’m like, why are you I mean I mean that’s not fair to them
 You went into this you got on the dating side and then then you got in
 We like each other
 Oh, no
 No
 It’s like I’m sorry
 I’m just I need help with my divorce because I probably wouldn’t date you if you said that upfront for good
 Yes
 If I put that on my profile
 Yeah
 I just want I just want which is okay if that’s what you want
 Which is okay
 Just but at least at least you know, right? Exactly
 Another good one here
 Let’s keep things light and fun
 Again, why does that matter after, you know, if I’m upfront with that, that’s fine
 There are folks I know that just um they they’re widowed or divorced and they they just are not in anything serious right now and they’re upfront with it
 Okay, I don’t see anything’s wrong with that at all
 Usually when this comes up is when they start off with dating and they don’t give any idea as far as what they’re looking for, what they’re hoping for, and one person starts to feel more intense than the other, which is just dating in general
 Someone’s faster than the other one
 And then the other one was like, “Oh, let’s just keep it light and fun
” Well, you didn’t say that up front
 You’re all charming and wonderful and smiling at me and paying for dinner and all those things and now you just want to keep it light and fun
 I mean, and I can see why folks, you know, get taken aback because you didn’t act this way and now you have to say it’s like you changed the rules
 So, I think a lot of this goes back to if we’re upfront with someone, you know, if we don’t want to have a natural progression or normal progression, okay, let’s just tell them upfront, right? And then the person has an idea as far as who they’re evaluating and and what they can expect from me
 Yeah
 To me, it just sounds like, you know, I’m not that into you or not enough to be to be serious
 There’s no future planning here
 Again, take that take that as a sign here
 This this this happens more I think with women maybe than men
 But if a man says that my kids come first, my kids are grandkids and I don’t have time for more boys
 That’s a huge red flag for me
 It is because it’s similar to what you had said um about recovery
 Who’s going to argue when someone mentions their kids? I mean, it’s like you pull the kid out and you know who’s going to get But with the kids, what I’ I’ve seen a lot is now I talk more with women than men like right after a divorce, especially if a man has small children, there’s almost always a hitting the brakes kind of stuff because the reality hits him and he sees how much pain his children are in and even if the divorce he felt he needed to do it and now all of a sudden she’s like, “What happened?” I said, “Well, the reality with his kids hit
” And so, sometimes that does happen, but that still falls back to the person to take ownership for that
 Take inventory before you involve somebody else in a relationship
 And if your kids are just first priority right now, that’s fine
 I’ve got children
 Totally get that
 But that’s not fair to someone to get into it
 And then all of a sudden, you know, like you said, pull that ace card out and just my kids over here
 And then it’s it’s what’s the solution? I said, “I need to like not date until they graduate
” Okay
 Hey, wish you told me that up front
 And that’s where I find a lot happens is folks pull it out later instead of being aware up front what their priorities are
 Well, and at our age, uh, we actually have a whole video on this and probably will do more
 The whole dating with adult children
 There’s so much to that topic because the adult children can really mess up your plans for, you know, relationship
 And then it’s really up to the parent, you know, how much are they willing to tolerate? what what makes sense and what doesn’t
 It’s a very triggering topic
 So, yeah, you know, pay attention with that
 Here, here’s another good one
 Uh lastly, I don’t see the point of labels, meaning, you know, they’re not calling you their boyfriend or girlfriend or or boyfriend for that matter, but you know, label
 What are labels? I know we talked a little about this about the idea of avoiding responsibility
 You know, I I generally tell women not to get exclusive too quickly if it’s marriage they want or something long term so that you don’t know if it’s this place where just kind of casual but stuck
 And if someone was doesn’t want to do a label or be identified with it, it’s a big part of I don’t want to be held accountable to a certain standard
 That’s okay if I don’t want to
 It’s but if I’m the receiving end, if I’m talking to a woman with this, I’m saying, “Okay, he doesn’t owe you to be a boyfriend
 he doesn’t owe you to
 But then let’s let’s evaluate
 Is this what you want in a relationship? So, you know, forget right or wrong
 Let’s make it your problem
 I mean, if it bothers you, is this what I want? Is this what I’m going to accept? Is this good enough? Because that label makes me feel secure
 I have some idea as to where we stand
 I have some idea where the relationship is progressing
 And if you don’t want that, then I don’t know if you want to stay like second date basis forever
 See, I don’t I don’t know
 And I think that’s more than fair for someone to have some idea as to what your intentions are
 Yeah, I agree
 And it’s not even so much even stating I’m not, you know, labels
 It it it’s what that says by not introducing you as, oh, you know, this is Sila, my girlfriend, or you know, this is, you know, Bob, he’s, you know, my boyfriend, my partner that it it gets so awkward, especially for the person who is who, you know, who wants to be who wants that commitment, who wants to be seen like that
 Yeah
 And I think when you said that, what came to mind was when you were talking about you and me is just out of courtesy
 I mean, I’m just I’m letting people know that like you said, it’s my partner, it’s my girlfriend
 I mean, just as opposed to here she is, right? Or just pointing at her
 I mean, that that I wouldn’t do that with a friend
 I I would introduce them, you know, in some degree of what makes them special to me
 Yeah
 In some kind of context
 Oh, she’s old high school girlfriend
 Old, you know, old friend
 Oh my good
 You do you you do that
 So this is again another triggering topic that you kind of have to think about because not saying it sends more of a message I think than than actually saying something
 Again, lots to think about in what the actual words or what a simple something that you say can can tell the other person
 In wrapping this up, Bob, what what do you what would you want to add here? I think the biggest thing we’ve talked about is is knowing first off for yourself what is it you want in a relationship
 I mean do I like you said do I want to get married one day or remarried? Um am I just fine with just casual dating? I don’t know that I would like on the first date just kind of blurt that out
 But as the relationship progressed, you know, I would I would mention some of this where I would pay attention, especially if a man is saying this just to get an idea so that we don’t have to be perfectly aligned, but we want to make sure that we’re somewhat aligned and that when you hear a man say certain things
 Don’t dismiss them because, oh, I know what he really means
 Trust in general with men that what he’s saying is what he means, especially as far as his relationship status
 Great way to end this, you know, if a man says something, he usually means it, especially if it’s something like this
 And and yeah, and take these as warning signs
 You know, there that yes, there’s exceptions to all this
 I think you did a great job of explaining that, but do do open your eyes
 And I again, I God, I I rationalized a lot of this
 You know, we get it
 And that’s why again these segments I think the most value here really the awareness that we’re hopefully raising if you know so you don’t waste a whole bunch of time
 So well anyway if you need some help with some of this if some of this hit home and and you know you’d like to talk to someone Bob is a fabulous coach contact him at relationshipheadquarters
com
 All of the information is in the show notes below
 And and Bob, you also have your own YouTube channel, you have blogs, your website
 All those links are below as well
 And I look forward to seeing you again soon on Second Act TV