Dating Over 50: 5 Most Common Dating Tips That Are Actually BAD Advice!

five common pieces of dating advice that can actually be useless or or just plain bad
 [Music] Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, I’m so happy to welcome back Joanie Caldwell Learner, the motivational coach, dating coach, relationship expert, and the author of Stop Look, Choose
 Joanie, thanks so much for being here again
 Thank you for having me again
 Joanie, today I think it’s going to be a fun conversation
 Came across this article as I usually do
 I think this one is psychology today
 Five common pieces of dating advice that can actually be useless or or just plain bad
 I mean, it’s like everybody out there, including us, you know, are are giving you advice on dating
 And there’s some prevalent thoughts that we really may may want to think about twice, like, is is this really even good? Yes
 Yes
 Yes
 Yes
 And the truth is, we’ve always said, do what feels right to you
 So, here’s some information
 Here are some ideas
 Here are some tools
 Take what you like and leave the rest
 We have never said this is the way to go and this is what you do
 If there was if there was that it would be, you know, easy
 But we’re human beings
 We’re complex and so is dating
 Well, here here’s uh the first one
 And really, when you think about this, you it always does kind of make you laugh
 Just marry the right person
 Just marry the right person
 Who heard that? I Why didn’t I think of that? What’s the right person? I watched The Sound of Music when I was three years old and I fell in love with Captain Von Trap
 The right person
 Find the right person
 Find Prince Charming
 And I watched every Disney movie ever made
 This ties into the complaints we’ve heard so many times in the past
 They have a list
 Here’s Mr
 Wright
 Here’s Mrs
 Right
 And it’s very transactional
 So, it’s not about the right person, it’s about building the right relationship for you
 Yeah, I love the way he said that
 And that that is the main issue with with this advice
 Just the right person
 It’s left in our brains
 And and don’t you out there, don’t you agree? You’ve heard that a million times
 You just got to marry the right person
 That’s a secret to marriage
 Marry the right person
 Well, yes, it limits you
 You might not see the one
 You have this right thing in your head
 That’s actually a horrible piece of advice if that’s the way it’s going to play out
 Number two here also and I think maybe we even said this confidence is everything but but really is confidence everything okay so so let’s define confidence that’s the issue here it’s not that confidence is not a good thing or not everything but confidence from from ego is arrogance quiet confidence belief in I know who I am I know what my values values are
 I know how to treat another human being
 That kind of confidence, it is everything
 But ego and arrogancem one thing that comes under confidence also is or I’ve heard people say, including us in in certain references, but the old, you know, fake it till you make it
 If you really feel, you know, have low self-esteem this, you know, fake it till you make it
 But that’s really not in on on some level not very good advice either because then a person can get attracted to a mask
 I see what you’re saying
 I see what you’re saying
 So fake it till you make it
 I love that you brought this up
 This is brilliant
 So fake it till you make it
 In in my case, because I am both an introvert and an extrovert, but in certain situations, I am I’m like running the circus, right? But if I walk into a party or a wedding or something and I don’t know anyone, fake it till you make it for me would be just, you know, walk up to somebody and put your hand out and say, “Hi, how are you? Tell me about yourself
” Now, that would what I really want to do is go stand in the corner and hope that either nobody notices me or somebody else takes the initiative
 In that case, you’re not being inauthentic
 You’re not putting a mask on
 You’re doing your very best in the moment
 If you’re fake, now you’ve got a mask
 That will never work
 It will always be uncovered
 It It’s And it’s exhausting because you can’t keep up who you’re not
 And yeah, so confidence is not is not everything
 It depending on as you well explained what kind of confidence it truly is
 What’s your confidence based on? So yeah
 Yeah
 There’s a lot more discussion here than simply, you know, confidence
 Here’s another one that I How many times have you heard this? You know, when you’re talking to someone from a friend, from whatever, you’re dating, you’re not having any like, “Hey, try online dating
 Try online dating
” It’s so easy
 I can’t tell you how many hours I spend with people in developing their profiles
 So, yes, online dating can be a good tool, but there is a learning curve and it must be approached as an adventure and not taken personally
 So yes, you and I both have talked about how online dating can be very positive, but it’s it’s not don’t be so cavalier
 Just go do it
 Yeah, I think that’s sort of where where this goes off offkilter is that just try online dating
 It’s very dismissive also in a way
 It’s like, well, you know, had I only done had I only thought of that, maybe I’d be, you know, with someone right now
 It’s not, you know, it’s not an individualistic recommendation
 I mean, I guess it really depends on who is giving you the advice
 But here’s the other thing
 There are so many other ways, whether it’s meetups in your city, meetups for uh people over 60, hikers over 60, singles, single hikers over 60
 I mean, you can be look at the meetups in your area within a certain number of miles
 Uh travel groups or um take classes
 I have a guy that’s um took up pottery and he’s got a crush on his teacher
 It’s so cute
 I mean, so you never know where you’re going to meet someone
 Could be painting
 Could be golf classes
 My sister, my beautiful over 60 sister is in Florida and she’s golfing and she’s got the cute little outfits and she never golfed before in her whole life
 So get out there and try something new
 Well, what what is interesting about this too is almost like telling, you know, well-meaning friends, think think twice before you say some of the stuff, you know, just just try this
 Okay
 I mean, it’s almost Yeah
 Like, as I said before, it’s it’s dismissive
 Something I read the other day I thought was very powerful
 It was about somebody who’s lost someone, the grieving process, and rather than give them advice, I’m here for you and there’s no pressure on the other person
 So maybe maybe we can extrapolate that to somebody who’s now new on the dating scene and I’m here for you
 I’ve tried it all
 If you have any questions, let me know
 Yeah, I like that
 You should
 I like that
 Well, just try online dating and marry the right person
 You’ll be fine
 I know
 I know
 It’s It’s really It’s silly when you think about this
 Number four
 Oh, I love this one
 You know, you just just play hard to get
 Play emotional games, manipulate, and don’t be authentic is what you just said
 Yep
 Right
 Don’t play anything
 I would also recommend that you allow the man to be a man and step into making the first moves and that kind of it’s it’s a masculine thing
 They step into action
 That’s their way of being
 But that’s not a manipulation
 That’s not a game
 That’s like allowing the man to be a man
 So, and I’m sure that’s going to get all kinds of comments and everything
 Who pays for dinner? I I I don’t know
 This is a piece of advice I actually got from my friends when I first started dating because I was always so available and you know, and I’m not saying that’s rightful
 I made all those mistakes and I’ve talked about him here
 But playing hard to get is not that’s a terrible piece of advice because it does cause confusion and what you’re the message you’re sending is that you’re not that interested
 if you really think about it, if you’re playing hard to get
 So, don’t say that
 Don’t give that advice to anybody and don’t don’t take it
 It’s so, you know, it’s so hard though because they’re going, “But, okay, how do I find the balance of not being too available and playing hard to get?” Don’t be overly affusive, ladies in particular, in your texts
 If they if they say hello, say hey
 Don’t go, “Hi, how was your day? I’m having a lovely day
 The flowers are growing and all the things are happening
” and and the guy’s going curate conversation, curate responses
 Here, here’s another one
 Number five here
 Keep the conversation light
 When you when you go on those dates, you know, don’t don’t blah blah blah, but don’t tell them everything
 Keep the conversation light
 Well, we’ve we’ve said similar stuff
 Don’t overshare
 But really, what does keep the conversation light actually mean and imply? In a healthy way, my response would be you want to be interested in the person
 You certainly, we’ve talked about this before, you don’t go into all the baggage
 In fact, stay away from the baggage
 You also want to talk about things that matter to you
 Like, I love hiking
 I love nature
 and I can talk about what that means or some trips that I’ve done and I can go a little deeper and then allow the relationship to go deeper and deeper as you go
 You know, the whole keeping away from deep topics early on, I would say stay away from deep topics maybe on the first date because you want to make sure that there’s some kind of connection that you even want to see him again
 where I see where this type of advice, you know, really backfires, which is sort of the point of this conversation, is that if these things are important to you, and that that includes religion, politics, and other stuff like that, you’re wasting time if you’re not going to at least sign a bring that don’t you don’t have to get an argument about it
 But if these are deal breakers, you might as well know up front
 But women are less likely to speak their truth upfront because they’re trying to appear a certain way
 and and and before you guys all throw your comments in the section there, I don’t mean all women, you know, there are there are a lot of women out there who have a real clear voice
 It’s taken me a long time to get mine
 So, that’s just, you know, maybe through my lens, but be willing to speak your truth, ladies
 It none of it needs to be in from either side
 None of it needs to be a shove it down your throat kind of thing ever
 That’s where I am right now
 I finally found my voice
 Now everybody thinks I’m a But you know I’m dealing I’m dealing with that too
 It’s all good
 Are you serious? If that’s true, if you have if you’re the way of being has changed and you’re speaking your truth and they see it as a that’s their problem
 You’re no longer showing up in a way that makes them feel, you know, safe or whatever
 I mean, I was kidding mostly
 But what I have and maybe this is val uh valuable for this segment is that I have over the last couple of years really come to terms with not caring about or not caring as much about what other people think
 Only certain people I care about, not everybody
 And that yeah, it it it changes the way you you interact
 Well, we’re almost at the end here
 I wanted to mention a couple others that just struck me as funny because you do hear this, but you’ll find love when you stop looking
 You know, is that good advice? Opposites attract
 Just be yourself
 Any quick words of wisdom? Let’s opposites attract
 We’ll start with that
 That may be in the beginning, but you have to have shared interests, shared values
 If you’re so opposite, eventually it’s going to be a problem
 So, I’m not I’m not real keen on that one
 And then what was the other one? You’ll find love when you stop looking
 Okay
 Yeah
 So, just close all your blinds and close the doors and then just, you know, maybe it’s the UPS guy that he’ll come knock on your door
 So, yeah, that’s always a dismissive statement, I think, when people say that
 It’s like when somebody says, “Oh, I’m just having trouble finding someone and I’ve been trying on, you know, I’ve been online for so long and blah blah blah blah blah
” Just oh, you’ll find it when you stop looking
 I you almost want to slap them, you know, that I I I I think I might have said that, you know, before, but that’s that’s that’s terrible advice
 So what I would say instead of that is when you shift your perspective if you’re looking you’re looking for the right person go back to the beginning right or you’re looking for that person to complete you or you’re looking for a specific thing you’re or you’re looking looking I get that stop trying so hard that I understand just relax be you be in the adventure of life be curious about what’s around the next corner When you open up that way, so now you stop looking
 When you open your energy up that way, more people will be drawn to you
 It’s the law of magnetism
 Well, let’s close on this then
 That just be yourself
 H how do you know, you know, which self are are you going to be? Well, okay
 So, we don’t we do actually have we all wear different hats
 We have all had different identities in our lives
 So, which self? That’s a great question, right? Just be yourself
 If you’re saying just be real, then I agree
 So, being yourself, just being authentically um you I I agree with
 But just be yourself in a dismissive way or or like we were talking about before, like, you know, again, it’s like just go online, just do this, just do that
 No, none of it is that simple, right? It’s all nuance
 It’s all complicated
 And I and if you’re out there and you’re struggling, I I feel for you
 I see you
 Well, that’s a good question or a good point is that I’d love to hear from our viewers what, you know, what kind of well-meaning advice have you gotten or what really bothers you when people throw it, you know, out around there when really none of us, you know, including us, don’t really think about what eventual harm that might do or how bad, you know, how bad this advice really is
 So, I I really enjoyed reading this and thinking about it
 Uh, but Jonie, I’ll let you close
 Well, if you’re the advice giver out there, be very intentional
 What is your intention? It’s more powerful for you just to support them
 And again, going back to I’m here for you
 I’m here for you
 Whatever you decide, I will support you
 If they ask you specifically for advice, so you’re asking me specifically, here’s what I would say
 But stop just throwing advice around
 It really is about seeing the person in front of you
 It’s about meeting them where they are
 It’s about honoring that they their journey is their journey and there may be some fear and there may be some obstacles and there may be things
 So don’t dismiss that
 You may be an a a courageous person who has worked through their fear and that person is still trying to do that
 So be honor where they are and then you’ll always know what to say
 Well, what I like again best is just uh some awareness around this and awareness that you know how how either we’re saying it or how other people are taking it
 I I think it I think it’s it was fun
 It was fun
 I hope you had fun, too
 And if you need advice, if you’re looking for more advice on any of this dating stuff, give Joanie a call
 She’s a fabulous coach
 You have so much fun with her
 I know lots of viewers already have contacted you
 We actually have a Calendarly link in the show notes below that goes straight to Joanie just for Second Act viewers
 And Joanie, thank you so much again for spending your time with us and I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV