Dating Over 50: 7 Clear Signs You’ve Found the Right Person! (This Could Be The One)

Seven very clear signs that you might just have found Mr
 Right or Mrs
 Right and not Mr
 or Mrs
 right now
 [music] Thank you so much for tuning in again to Second Act TV
 Once again, I want to welcome back Trevor Brandon Sharf, the dating coach, relationship expert, and the author of Done Being Single, sitting right there behind me
 Trevor, thanks for being here again
 Thanks for having me
 I love being here
 Well, well, your book, of course, Treva is all about finding love again after 50 and finding that right person like you did
 But what the heck does that what what what does that mean? [laughter] You know, we we talk about that all the time
 We advise people, well, you got to find the right person
 What does that look like? So that’s what I want to talk about today is seven very clear signs that you might just have found Mr
 Right or Mrs
 Right and not Mr
 or Mrs
 right now
 I mean do you do you think that’s important? What do you think there’s a right person? That’s a great question
 That’s like a question for the ages
 You know is there such a is there such a thing as a soulmate? I tend to believe there we have several over our lifetimes and and I tend to be a little bit you know kind of uh metaphysical in in that thinking that there there could be more than one right person
 I feel the same way
 I think you know is that I don’t think there’s one person
 I think that you can you can find and build the right relationship
 So that’s I think that’s what I the way I want to approach this today
 What are some signs that you are on the road to the right relationship with the right person? And the first one here is you feel emotionally safe
 What What does that exactly mean? Okay
 To me that felt like this this guy really digs me
 He shows up
 He steps up
 There were certain signs I’m referring to Robbie
 certain signs that gave me sort of a vote of confidence that it was safe
 He was safe to proceed and I could have been wrong
 You know, people they they present in the beginning and it may not they may misrepresent in the beginning but to me that sense of safety was very important
 It made me feel like I can let go a little bit
 I can surrender a little bit
 And yes, I mean I I was I was right
 I did
 He he was that person
 He has continued to make me feel safe
 I I think for me the emotional safety and it’s it’s pointed out here too is that you you you don’t walk on eggshells
 I mean that’s just a horrible way to be in a relationship when you’re constantly feel like you have to watch what you say, what you do, right? And the fear of being judged or just the fear that you’re going to say something that’s going to set this person off
 So this is huge
 And I think emotional safety probably means something different to to a lot of different people
 It’s important to both men and women, but particularly I think it’s important uh to women and that’s something that I think it’s good for men to know
 Yeah
 um the the feeling that they they’re not going to pull the plug or, you know, they’re not going to pull the rug out or it’s uh especially for those of us that that have had experienced a lot of those sort of non-starters and relationship fails along the way that didn’t make it
 You know, um we’re a little bit we’ve got some scar tissue and to feel safe is just so different when you’ve been used to living like holding your breath
 I would say feeling safe is being able to exhale
 Oh, I like that
 I like that a lot
 And then number two follows right into that
 I think you can be yourself
 You can be your quirky self
 You can wake up in the morning with morning hair
 I mean, you don’t have to worry about auditioning or putting on an act
 Yeah
 Oh, I did that
 I did that
 Sure
 being being perfect and and not messing up and oh my god th this is so tmi but I couldn’t go to the bathroom and at someone’s you know when I was starting to date someone I was so afraid of being human I was so afraid of being my true authentic self right but then then you know it’s real when you can fart and burp and go to the bathroom and you know not feel like oh no I’m what if they see me be imperfect and and that’s So important because then talk about exhaling
 Yeah
 Being yourself
 If if you’re not yourself, who are you? Can you be yourself around someone and feel comfortable being yourself? Is a is a great great great sign
 Okay
 Number three, you communicate easily even if it’s hard
 Know you can disagree without starting a war
 Yeah
 Uh, I would say that that falls under the category of being real, being authentic, being yourself, expressing yourself, speaking your truth
 That’s all super important
 You don’t want to feel muzzled
 You never want to feel shut down or, you know, again, that falls under, you know, can I be myself? Can I be and and if I can’t and if I can’t be me and I can’t be real, is it really worth is it worth it? Why am I in this? I think for the the communication part is it’s almost you know if you have disagreements you know how do you handle disagreements is there respect there or does somebody have you know to win do you retreat or do you repair and I I really that’s something I very consciously learned with Paul is that we may you know get into stupid arguments but very quickly does he either say sorry I mean it just goes or just goes back to normal we won’t stay there
 Yeah, that’s the the true test, I guess
 You know, even we’re I’m married now 12 years
 We communicate
 We can both express ourselves
 We have no problem
 I mean, I he talks all the time
 Stop talking
 He does not stop talking
 Um and and me too
 I have no problem
 I’m a you know, communicator
 This is what I do
 I speak and I write
 But uh resolving issues, resolving problems, that is that is an that is an art
 Oh, and by the way, when you get to a certain age, you get together later in life with someone, you are fully formed humans
 You are set in your ways, man
 You know, it’s I’m right
 No, I’m right
 No, I’m right
 You know, it’s my way
 No, it’s it’s this is what happens
 Prepare for that to happen
 Okay? And there’s going to be there’s going to be differences of opinion, of style, of operating systems
 It’s going to happen
 You’re going to get into it and and hopefully you’ll be able to communicate your way out of it
 Right
 Exactly
 And it’s not about how much you fight unless it’s literally every day, but it’s really how how you handle it
 How how you how you get out of the fight because anybody has ever said, “Oh, we never fight
” Well, there’s there’s they have bigger bigger issues
 Sure
 Sure
 Sure
 [laughter] than anybody that does
 Here’s here’s a super super important one, especially in this day and age
 You share core values
 Okay
 Yeah
 This brings up values uh principles, general principles, you know
 Uh what else would we uh religion, religion, politics that okay, I was avoiding the P word, but you know, here we are
 Well, it is it’s part of it today
 We just have to acknowledge it no matter what side you’re on that if the core values that are associated with that
 If if that’s not the same, there’s going to be there’s going to be issues
 We’re not talking about hobbies or liking the same music or whatever
 This this goes deep
 This goes deep
 And opposites, they might attract, but they don’t keep it together
 Very rarely anyway
 Yeah
 Yeah
 Um, I’m finding politics to be really kind of I  can’t imagine dating someone on the opposite aisle side of the aisle at this point
 We are so polarized and divided and yes, politics are your values and your values are your politics
 They’re sort of in inextricable, you know, can’t you can’t separate them
 Um but yes, you’re right, you know, about decency, civility, um kindness, empathy, you know, these are all what I consider core values
 I I think most people will either agree or well, I think who doesn’t agree that you should, you know, share core values
 I guess to the extent of what they are and and how much you will let it affect a relationship
 So this this can be a whole other whole other se segment and yeah it but it is important core values will make it so much easier so much easier if you share that again good point another another sign you might have Mr
 or Mrs
 Right? You feel calm and grounded
 You you laugh
 You you you just enjoy being with each other in a very in a calm state, not not a, you know, chaotic
 Well, uh there are people that that really thrive on chaos
 I can see where it would be exciting and it makes you feel alive
 And we’ve spoken about this in other segments
 you know, the chasing, the pursuit, the nuttiness, the the craziness, the drama
 I get all that
 That can make that can add, you know, well, it it is a certain excitement, but is that healthy? Is that the relationship? Is that what you want? Yeah
 Uh, I have two friends that stayed together on and off and on and off for quite a while because I think they were addicted to the drama
 And I think it’s what kept bringing them back together
 in moments of clarity, they’d say, “Oh, this is unhealthy and this is not good for me and goodbye
” And then they would realize, you know, “Oh, we miss each other
 I miss probably like this
 We we miss the fighting and the tension
” And I don’t get that
 I mean, I do to an extent, but that is not the basis for a calm, quiet, and grounded love, a healthy love
 It just can’t it can’t be peaceful love
 peaceful, quiet, still that anxiety inducing
 Not correct
 Um, can’t be good for the nerves, can’t be good for your anxiety levels at all
 Although I do recognize people, they gravitate toward it
 And and you know, I guess the segment isn’t about whether or not that’s right or wrong
 It’s more if if you do see that that you do or this person makes you feel calm or you feel calm with this person, it’s a good sign
 It’s a good sign
 Maybe, you know, maybe every now and then you have it out, [laughter] but that’s not the basis for the relationship
 Yes
 And I see this a lot in clients who are anxiously attached and they start dating a securely attached person
 That’s when you start to see your how nutty you can be
 When you start dating someone who is calm and quiet and and grounded, right? And then you bring all of this sort of um hyper energy to it
 Sometimes it takes that to to to realize, oh my gosh, I have to dial it down or maybe there’s some more work for me to do
 But I will tell you now being in a very stable relationship now for a while
 It is I can breathe, I can exhale, I can let go, I feel safe
 All of the things we’ve just spoken about
 Um because because there is a level of I don’t know what you would call it
 I guess it’s peace
 Well, the next one here, you both take responsibility
 I guess that goes along with what we discussed about having an argument that conflict is inevitable, but how you handle it, that’s that’s what makes you know the person right or perhaps not right for you
 You know, it’s when people are starting to date, they’re on their best behavior
 Chances are you’re not going to know what it’s like to fight with that person for quite some time until you get into it
 I have a friend I have we have two friends that’s that that met and started they they were in the same social circles but they didn’t really know each other and they started to date
 They dated for about six weeks and it was over
 It was unsustainable because they fought all the time
 They just fought all the time
 Every week was a fight about something which was so interesting because usually you know in the first many weeks right it’s the honeymoon
 Yeah
 Well that and it doesn’t get any better
 So [laughter] what you just described as one big red flag, right? Correct
 Correct
 And and unfortunate [snorts] because they actually had great chemistry
 They were just two very apparently not compatible people at the end of the day and and slightly volatile
 Well, it’s a great argument again for why chemistry is not the basis of a relationship because it’s highly fluctuates and it goes away or it comes and goes and it can absolutely cause chaos
 I mean, yes, should there not be? Of course, there should be chemistry, but if that’s all you rely on, it’s it’s not likely to be a long-term relationship
 Correct
 Yes
 Yes
 Well, and finally here, you feel consistent effort, not mixed signals
 Consistency that they say here, I I love it
 Consistency is the new sexy
 Yes, it is
 It’s, as I’ve mentioned, showing up, stepping up, being direct, uh, being honest, calling when you’re supposed to, all these little things, they it matters
 Courtesy, consideration, as Robbie always says, ABC, always be considering, and that is really true
 You may not see them in the beginning
 It may take some time to see the these things because again, people are on their best behaviors, right? Hang in there long enough and and see the see the red flags, but you know, also just have some grace and forgiveness and understand that people at this age and I always preface everything we talk about and I sort of end by reminding everybody that we are all in this together
 We are all of, you know, a certain generation
 Hey man, we’ve all been in the trenches, right? We’ve all, if you’re watching right now, chances are you’ve been at it for a little bit
 You’ve been dating or you’re divorced
 We’ve got some baggage and that’s not always a bad thing
 And I’m, you know me, I’m I think that baggage isn’t always bad
 It’s kind of great
 It’s something that you can sink your teeth into
 It gives you character and depth and and if you have issues with any of the things that we just talked about, okay, if if you have prior fear and some some past difficulties or challenges with the things that we just mentioned, tell the person you’re dating
 I think that’s not a bad idea
 you know, be honest and say, “I I’ve come from this
 I’ve had a habit of doing this or this is how what happened to me in my last relationship or marriage just so that you know who you’re getting to know so that you know me
” Well, and and just to end the this last point here, consistent that not mixed signals, we’ve done segments on mixed signals
 When you never have to guess where you stand, that’s that’s a basis for an absolutely wonderful relationship with somebody who who says what does what they say is what I’m trying to say
 Does what they say
 Yes
 Huge
 And I know there’s lots of other signs and signals
 I thought these were these pretty much encapsulated something more general that you know you keep this in mind
 If somebody has a lot of this, I think you might be on the right track here
 How how would you end this? Yes
 I think if they check off um those even a few of those boxes especially in this dating world we’re in right now when there’s so much distraction there’s so many choices there’s uh it’s a faucet coming at you people people right I just feel that there’s if if somebody if you meet somebody that that has these you know these qualities give them a chance hang in there just long enough because we’re living in these times people aren’t giving each other enough of a chance enough of a shot
 I think it’s there’s something really nice about doing all of these things, you guys showing up and being consistent and no mixed messages, no mixed signals, you know, the little things
 It gives somebody hope
 It makes them feel like, hey, this this person is the contender and someone someone that I would want to right continue with and that’s really important
 It’s it’s ultimately I think all this comes down to is how that person makes you feel and if it’s anxietyridden your body is telling you something here
 So Trevor, as always, I enjoy talking with you
 Time just flies
 If if you’re looking for a dating coach, if you want to talk with someone to help you through navigating this crazy new world, get in touch with Trevor
 All of her contact information is below
 She’s obviously a fabulous coach, lots of fun, and you couldn’t even get to know her better reading reading this book first
 Thank you
 Done being single
 You have so many
 It’s just it’s just so much fun to read and gosh talk about all the lessons in there that that you share
 Thank you for your time and I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV
 [music]