Dating Over 50: 8 Things Women Can’t Resist In A Man (Do You Have Them?)

the biggest myth that men have about female satisfaction after 50 and what women what our misconceptions are having sex after 50
 Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, I’m so excited to welcome Dr
 James Simon, boardcertified OBGY and professor at George Washington University and the founder of Intim Medicine specialist
 Dr
 Simon, thanks for being here again
 My pleasure to be here
 Thanks for having me
 Dr
 Simon, of course, is a women’s sexual health expert
 of the topic today, busting the biggest myths about the misconceptions that men have about female satisfaction after 50
 And then the biggest myth about what we what women what our misconceptions are about well having sex after 50
 So a lot of women and men think this and that’s thus we’re calling these the myths
 Oh, first one here
 If she doesn’t want sex, she’s not attracted to me anymore
 That’s what men think
 What do you say to that? So, I think that that’s a very common misconception
 I don’t know if it qualifies as a myth, but misconception
 So, sexual desire is triggered by a lot of different issues
 One would be hormones, and we’ve talked about that in the past
 One would be situation
 Is there an opportunity for uninterrupted intimacy? Or do you have kids and grandkids coming in every five minutes? These can all be impeded to intimacy, completely unrelated to how she or he feels about the other
 There needs to be a proper setting, proper hormones, proper physical health
 Well, and the bottom line, don’t don’t equate sex with attraction
 There’s a million other things that could be that could be going wrong
 Here’s another one that men what men’s misconceptions are
 All she needs is more foreplay
 That’s all she needs
 There’s a kernel of truth there
 As men age and as women age, we need more foreplay, everything takes longer
 But that’s not the whole story
 These other issues which we’ve just mentioned may be far more important to interest or desire than the need for more foreplay
 Or it may be both
 she or he do need more foreplay, but that’s not the cause of their loss of interest
 It may be aggravating their loss of interest because everybody needs pleasure in their interest as a reward and they may not get the reward, aggravating the loss of desire from the get-go
 Well, especially if you’re dealing with painful sex and you know, a lot of the whole idea of bringing lubricants into the bedroom finally
 I mean, there’s so many things here to discuss, but it it’s uh No, it just needs more foreplay
 Yeah, the foreplay has to actually feel good and and I think there’s a lot of misconceptions about that
 Absolutely
 And and there’s another thing that we should talk about
 physical problems may be aggravating or necessitating changes in what they do together
 So what they used to do may not be possible
 It may be that they this longstanding couple that used to do everything according to that script
 He does this, she does that, he does this, she does that
 D
 That script needs to be rewritten
 Remember those days when you were first dating? There was not a lot of penis and vagina sex
 It was kissing
 It was petting
 It was touching
 It was all kinds of things that didn’t involve intercourse that may need to become the primary new activity
 What we call outer course, not intercourse
 Yeah
 And those activities can be done with bad hips, with bad backs, with inability to achieve or have pleasurable penetration
 All of these things are possible but seldom explored because they are new
 And new means a challenge
 New means fear
 New means, oh my goodness, am I going to succeed? Am I going to fail? Gotta get back to that first date or two and relearn
 Well, you you actually touched on two other misconceptions that are on this list that one that you just covered that that sex has to be the way it always was
 You know, that you just can’t let it change
 And you just explained that very well
 that we have to re-evaluate what sex actually is to us
 Is it only intercourse? Which then goes into this other misconception that I I love this one that if she doesn’t orgasm from intercourse that something is wrong with her
 So even in young women, orgasm from intercourse is in the minority of women
 Unfortunately, in my opinion, women who are young, middle-aged, or old feel compelled to fake it
 That’s not honest, and it’s really unnecessary
 They do it for a variety of reasons, including to satisfy his ego, which I don’t think is necessary
 But the answer is women typically do not have orgasms with penis and vagina intercourse unless there’s some additional clitoreral stimulation during intercourse to help her achieve orgasm
 There are all kinds of little tips and tricks
 We can have a whole episode on that
 But the answer is because she doesn’t have an orgasm with intercourse makes her normal
 The men need to learn that and the women need to feel like they’re normal and not shameful because they can’t have an orgasm with intercourse
 For the lucky women that do, more power to you
 But you’re the minority, probably something like 20 to 30%, whereas 70 or 80% of women do not have an orgasm with intercourse
 And those numbers get bigger the older we get
 Yeah, that’s what Joan Price said, I know you’ve seen her on the show
 She’s a sexual health expert
 She’s over 80 now
 that it’s actually less than 20% especially as we age but people don’t you know they don’t talk to women after 50 but they’re not even part of the survey so it’s it’s very low and for me that was a huge revelation years ago when I discovered this that I am absolutely normal and yeah it it’s it’s a big big misconception uh finally here of what went the misconceptions men have that struck me here is that women over 50 just can’t enjoy enjoy sex like they used to
 So, women after 50 have some added hurdles to enjoying sex
 They may not be lubricated
 They may take a long time
 Orgasm may be difficult to achieve, certainly difficult to achieve during intercourse
 But those are not insurmountable barriers
 Pain is treatable
 Lubrication can come in a squirt bottle
 We call it lubricant
 And more pleasure and more time can be built in
 Or we can have toys or what I call tools to help with stimulation both of men and of women that can shorten and narrow the time to achieving orgasm
 like tools we use for everything else
 Yeah, exactly
 Exactly
 And we have great videos on that
 Well, we have some great videos with you about vaginal health and what men need to know about the vagina
 I will link to all that because it is worth watching
 I think one of them is now over 650,000 views
 So, yes, people tuned in and they watched because there is just so much we don’t know
 Well, let’s just briefly look at a couple of thing a couple of the misconceptions that women have that we have about ourselves about sex and satisfaction after 50
 The the first one here again I think that hits home for a lot of women is that if my desire is low then there’s something wrong with me
 So desire in both men and women tends to go down with age
 In women, spontaneous desire, the I can’t wait to get home to have sex, spontaneous desire goes down with age, but is often replaced with what we call responsive or sometimes reactive desire
 They’re not all that interested
 But if they allow themselves to become engaged in kissing, foreplay, whatever, then their internal desire is sparked, is rekindled, is reactive to the situation or responsive to their partner, and then they’re off to the races
 So, it’s a difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire
 And they’re not the same
 And as women age, they tend to have more responsive desire and less spontaneous desire
 Yeah
 And once we understand that, it’s a whole different way to approach sex, too
 I had a similar discussion with Joan Price on that
 I’ll link to that as well, but it made so much sense
 Here’s another one that we we’ve talked about this a lot, but let’s touch on it briefly
 That pain with sex after menopause is normal
 I just have to live with it
 A lot of women believe that
 So pain with sex is not something you have to live with, but it is very common in menopausal women
 It’s treatable
 It’s addressable
 And once it’s addressed, then you can have sex without pain, and that’s a good thing
 So, it’s true that many menopausal women have pain with sex
 It’s true that we can enjoy sex without pain, including without penetration
 But they’re not inextricably linked together, that pain and sex have to always go together
 And and then the other misconception, a big misconception is that sex drive strife disappears with menopause
 It I mean it surprises me somewhat, but I think I guess again if if you’re with someone you really don’t want to be with, it’s different than if you are with someone you want to be with
 I think it’s more that than anything, isn’t it? I mean, what what do you think, Dr
 Simon? Every situation and every couple is different
 Mhm
 I have couples where she wants a magic potion or a magic bullet to get her interest restored when she doesn’t even like the guy
 Okay? And she has pain or she has some kind of physical problem, let’s say hip pain
 These are all issues that need to be handled on an individual basis in order to bring that couple closer together, assuming they want to get closer together
 Because we have men who aren’t interested either, right? And remember, it may be as high as 50% of men or 30% of women across the ages are having sex outside of their intimate relationships
 If he or she is getting satisfied sexually outside their relationship, it’s not a surprise to me that they don’t want to have sex with each other
 Yeah
 lot lot more to all this than than meets the eye, so to speak
 And and you have to have an honest discussion with your practitioner to make sure that he or she is not trying to solve a problem that they don’t know about
 So, if they don’t really want to have sex, I can’t give her a magic bullet to make her want to have sex
 But if pain is the problem or if his technique or his erections are the problem, we have treatments for those
 We have education for those and the technique may need to completely change as they get older, require more stimulation, require more time or completely different approach
 Yeah
 which we talked about in the the other uh about the misconceptions for men is that we have to rethink rethink what sex really means to us
 I’ve gone over the highlights on these
 What do you see in your practice? Would you add anything something that that wasn’t on here? I really think that open communication within a couple is critical
 We need to use what I call I language in expressing what we individually need
 I need you to do this
 Or I really would like to do this with you or to you
 How does that sound? because we need to reinvent sex because the old ways aren’t working for a variety of different reasons, but we need to communicate those reasons
 He can’t read her mind and she can’t read his
 And so we need to have this honest communication one to another and not in the bedroom
 It should be in a neutral place
 And usually, and this is a recommendation I don’t know that you’ve heard before, when they’re not looking at each other, they could be walking hand in hand, looking straight ahead
 When we’re looking straight at each other, it can be more threatening
 We don’t want to be threatening
 We want to be non-threatening
 Use eye language because if you start a sentence with you, it means you’re blaming
 I’ll give you an example
 I’d like you to do this more softly
 That’s different in its tone and its meaning than if I say you’re doing this too hard
 One is encouraging and inviting
 The other is blaming
 But the answer is most of it is doable
 and the barriers surmountable
 Well, lots lots to digest here
 Lots to lots to think about
 I I as we talked I’m thinking about the other videos that you and I have done
 We definitely need to link to those because you give such incredible explanations well about vaginal anatomy that both men and women don’t know
 And I just want to re-emphasize that is just education
 And then it’s easier to talk about also everything that you just said, you know, maybe better what to ask for and why
 So, Dr
 Simon, is there anything else you want to add before we sign off? Just that keep communication open and honest and keep your mind open to your partner’s questions, requests, etc
 And that’ll go a very long way to keeping you both healthy and sexually active
 Absolutely
 And that sex will and can and does grow
 You can grow old having sex
 Believe me, I live in a senior community now
 We do
 And I can attest to that
 We talk
 So anyway, Dr
 Simon, once again, thank you so much
 I will link to all of your information and the videos that that we referenced
 And if you would like to get in contact with Dr
 Simon directly
 He does do tea health visits and I will have the link below to intim specialist
 Dr
 Simon, once again, thank you for your time and I look forward to another conversation soon on Second Act TV