Dating over 50: Avoidant Beliefs That Waste Your Time – When “Taking It Slow” is a Red Flag!

stalling or waiting doesn’t doesn’t protect you
 It could just waste time and and our time is somewhat limited
 Thank you so much for joining us today on Second Act TV
 So happy as always to welcome back Joanie Caldwell, learner, the motivational coach, dating coach, relationship expert, and the author of Stop Look, Choose
 Joanie, thank you so much for being here again
 It is my pleasure
 I’m so excited
 And as you know, first of all, I love being with you
 And second of all, one of my great loves in life is coaching
 And if we can throw some little ideas or tools or whatever it is out there into the world to make people’s lives better, then I’m all for it
 Well, and that’s exactly exactly what we want to do today
 I again came across some information I thought was incredibly relevant for not just our demographic, but what what you and I talk about, and that’s five avoidant excuses in dating
 Let’s look at these
 what well I called avoidant excuses but in some sense they’re also they’re couched in fear
 So anyway we’ll talk about that
 The first one here I don’t want to seem needy
 I’m hesitant
 I’m hesitant to go out there
 I I don’t come across as needy
 Okay
 This one is has a couple of layers
 I’m glad you started with this one
 It is not needy to want companionship
 It is not needy to desire connection
 It is not needy to want a relationship or romance
 It is also not needy to ask for what you want
 What is needy is to think that a relationship or another human being is going to make you whole
 And that energy guaranteed whether you say the right things or not, it will be felt
 So be very clear about what your intention is
 be very clear about is there something I need to work on within myself because happiness really is an inside job
 Yeah
 And one of the points that I thought was so interesting that they brought out is that people don’t want to admit they’re lonely
 And that’s one thing that we need to recognize if not just in ourselves of of course we might be lonely
 Maybe we’re we’re widowed
 Maybe we haven’t dated in forever
 Maybe the divorce really hurt us
 There is loneliness in just about everybody’s life to some extent and it’s okay to acknowledge that
 It’s not a that’s not a bad thing
 It’s not a bad thing
 And after a divorce, especially if you didn’t ask for it and after the loss of a spouse with whom you’ve been for a decade or four, there is there is a grieving process and there is a loneliness because that human was in your space, in your energy, in your in your field
 And so there is a healing process that has to happen
 And in that there is a loneliness or feeling alone because that space was filled and now it’s not
 There’s a vacuum
 So what we don’t want is people rushing out to to fill the vacuum with a rebound relationship
 Please take the time to heal
 There is a light at the end of the tunnel, right? And don’t let what what you think you’re going to come across as keep you from dating
 and really give your space uh yourself the grace too to date
 Rarely will you walk out the front door and find your next person
 So it could be two or three people in before you find your match
 Give yourself a little grace
 Journey, the next point here, this goes directly to a segment we did on simmer dating
 I’ll link to it
 [laughter] But another excuse that we make that some people make, let’s let’s take it slow
 Is that what does that really mean? Let’s pick it apart a little bit
 Taking it slow could mean I really don’t want to get vulnerable
 I really don’t want to get that involved
 I’m really not that interested
 You could be a placeholder
 Taking it slow could mean what it says
 I just I just need a little time to get used to dating again, to get used to caring about somebody else’s wants and needs
 There could be
 And I think I mentioned this in that segment is maybe it’s just about foundation building because I really don’t recommend leaping into a relationship and certainly not leaping into bed
 I think one of the big things about taking it slow that I think we need to recognize also that it could be a big red flag with if somebody says that to you or if somebody makes that excuse that it’s not necessarily always a good thing because if they were genuinely interested they would be excited about wanting to see you again or excited about moving forward
 And I think sometimes we we maybe don’t want to don’t want to admit to that or don’t want to see that and then end up wasting a whole lot of time or allowing that to string us along
 Excited, but at a healthy pace
 Yes
 You don’t want a love bomber
 You don’t want a the narcissist will just suck you right in in the first five minutes and tell you everything you ever wanted to know
 What you want is a a healthy pace of getting to know you
 Um having shared experiences, connecting over and over and over again
 If taking it slow means I call you every three weeks that I mean that’s okay for that other person if that’s what they want but that’s really not what I want in a dating situation
 So it’s really internally what’s true for you
 What feels right? I want you to all to get out there and and really trust your gut and trust your instincts
 Num number three here, I believe you you uh referred to this already, is that you know, shouldn’t we build an emotional connection first be before moving forward? Don’t we want to make sure we have an emotional connection? Is that okay? So heart that could be the cart and the horse kind of thing to it’s like love at first sight doesn’t exist
 True love is built through shared experiences
 Again, true love is built through connections
 True love is supporting each other
 True love is sharing values
 You can begin building connection immediately, but that doesn’t mean it’s love
 And when they’re talking about taking time to have an emotional connection, there could be some psychological thing, some healing that one or the other needs to do
 Whoever is saying this, it could be they’re they’re scared, whatever it is
 But man, if you got the skills to say, “Hey, tell me more about that
 Where is this actually coming from, what what is it you really want?” And and I don’t it doesn’t need to be the guy or the girl saying that, but having those conversations are very powerful
 I I thought that was an interesting point again because if somebody says I mean, you know, there’s two things here
 You might think you might think, you know, I think we need to have an emotional we don’t have emotional connection
 And to me that that’s somewhat fear-based
 You or maybe you’re looking for ways to protect yourself
 But if somebody says it to you, that’s I think it’s it’s a red flag
 There is no there’s no real answer here
 There’s no black and white
 [laughter] It’s like what you said
 The only way to get it is to actually interact, be together, have a relationship
 So let’s discern
 Let’s do a little discerning here
 We’re not saying don’t be attracted
 You want to be attracted right out there
 There has to appear to be some sort of connection when you first date
 And then the emotional connection is a different level
 Emotional connection is built
 But actually, you know, just um attracted to their voice, attracted to the way they look, attracted to their humor, attracted to these are these are the beginning attractions
 The emotional attraction that you’re talking about is something deeper
 And and they’re war a little bit of a a warning, which I kind of agree with
 If if you really focus on this connecting connecting connecting, you might end up on both sides of the friend zone, you know, by not letting romance take over or or having this emotional connection predominantly in your mind
 I see what you’re saying, too
 You’re saying they’re saying you need the emotional connection before you have a romantic connection
 Well, there’s Yes, exactly
 That that they’re holding off romance until they feel that, you know, that that’s the excuse
 Yes
 Yeah, I see where you got to the friend zone, too
 Makes total sense
 He Another great one here
 And so much on the minds of everyone and different advice and translations every time
 He’s just trying to get me into bed
 And the point, [laughter] what’s wrong with that? And not saying to get into bed, but they’re they’re making the point, and I agree
 You worry more if he doesn’t
 [laughter] What’s wrong? And then how do you handle it as another thing? Yeah
 It’s interesting because in our 20s, you know, I I remember my mother saying all he wants is one thing
 He any he, right? And then I I talked to um a male coach who said basically that’s all that’s ever on their minds
 These these um phrases come from somewhere
 But now we’re talking about people who are over their over 50, over 60, over 70
 I have a new client that’s almost 80 years old and he’s just starting to date again
 And one the first question was, “Am I too old?” I’m like, “No, you’re not too old
” However, the he’s just trying to get in your pants is probably not going to be true over 65 or 70
 I you know, so it it really is on a onase basis
 And honesty is critical
 So here’s what I’m looking for
 I’m looking for companionship
 I’m looking for um romance
 I am not sexually active
 I mean, actually be honest right up front
 Or if if she may say, I am sexually active and I really, you know, want that
 And he may go, yay, woo
 You know, but not tomorrow
 I’m just saying, you know, these are conversations that you might have at this age bracket that you wouldn’t have had at the age of 20 because there’s an assumption, right? Everything’s working
 So, yeah, intimacy
 This is really important, I think, for our for our demographic
 Finding a way to connect intimately, emotionally, and energetically
 Now, if physically is in there, too, then more power you to you
 But those first three are so powerful
 I want people out there to focus more on to stop putting so much freaking pressure on yourselves
 We are not 20 years old, but we can connect and love and be intimate on these other levels as well
 Yeah
 And if somebody really is just interested in sex, I mean, that’ll that’ll reveal itself quickly anyway to where you can make other decisions
 But the whole idea of of wanting to get into I mean, that that’s what distinguishes a relationship, you know, from a friendship
 So the whole idea of of wanting to get into bed, it’s not necessarily maybe we put too much emphasis on that being a bad thing
 So yeah, but it’s neither bad nor good
 It’s what what do you want? You whoever you are, what do you want? And you can actually say, dude, you act like the only thing you want from me is sex
 Is that true? Yeah
 Like call them out
 Or it could be the woman doing I mean I you know it’s [laughter] not Yeah because I’m really looking for um a higher level of friendship and romance and companionship and there’s a spiritual component to that just sex there’s no spiritual well you can have some spiritual experiences [laughter] but there’s not a spiritual experience to just you know getting down and dirty
 All right
 Then finally here, the last one, the like the last excuse, you know, perhaps a fear-based excuse is that the last person rushed me and it really turned me off that I feel rushed that you’re using this as an excuse to, you know, hold somebody back
 But what is that again really saying? If the person is actually conscious and you say, “I’m feeling rushed
” to be honest with you, I just it feels like you’re you’re pushing a little bit in this area
 And if the person has any level of consciousness, he or she can say, “Whoa, I’m sorry
 That’s really not what I intended
” And I do think you’re right because I feel like I’m in the last third of my life and there’s no time to waste and I really like you and I really think you’re amazing
 And so, yeah, I probably was
 I apologize
 So h how would you rather I show up or what is it that I can do differently that would make you feel more comfortable? That’s a conscious human being
 So the other part now I’m saying I feel like you’re rushing me and I and so there could be a couple of things
 One is you know maybe they did have a bad experience and again you know me I and for our demographic and and older it’s sometimes hard to ask for help
 it therapy was not a thing
 You know, you don’t talk about your feelings
 You just suck it up, buttercup, and you know, keep going
 But if you’ve got some stuff that’s getting in the way of you connecting with this person across from you because you’re feeling rushed because you don’t have great boundaries or maybe you have some trauma that you experienced, either one of those, you could get some coaching, you could get some counseling
 How do you get through that so that you’re not standing in your own way? Well, in another scenario simply that again if you hear it if you’re on the receiving end of it that they’re not they’re not that interested that somebody who really who really wants is interested in moving forward
 They’re not going to feel rushed
 They they’re going to want wish that you had texted them back yesterday
 They they welcome you contacting them more often than not
 I mean, I think that’s that’s absolutely true
 And sometimes we have to admit that to ourselves, too
 Yeah
 Well, and so there’s another scenario
 Maybe they are an avoidant
 There’s an avoidant attachment who’s going to like be very put off by emotional intimacy or or scared of you talked about fear a little earlier
 It just it could be an avoidant reaction
 So there’s so the point is we’ve just thrown out three or four possibilities
 We don’t know
 We have no idea
 But you out there need to look inside
 See what’s actually happening
 What are you feeling? Because feelings are a real indicator if you are in flow or not
 And if it’s hard, if a relationship is hard, I don’t I don’t want to say run, but relationships do not have to be hard
 Every relationship, Silka, everything that happens in a relationship is an opportunity for you to grow
 We’ve talked about you and Paul, the opportunities to grow
 We’ve talked about me and John
 There always opportunities to grow if we choose to be conscious and see it that way as opposed to, well, it’s his fault and it’s his fault and and she did this and she did that and I’m victim victim victim
 What’s true about me and all of you out there know that that sometimes I’ll go off on these tangents but sometimes stuff needs to be said
 [laughter] So that’s funny
 Well, there’s lot lots to think about
 I I thought each of these points really you we well we did go deeper than than what is on the surface that you know these are things that we all tend to think about you know are we doing it right or not and you know perhaps there are different ways of thinking about it that you know we haven’t until today discussed I think the takeaway that came across in in the notes that that I found is that stalling or waiting doesn’t doesn’t protect you that it could just waste time and and our time is somewhat limited
 What do you say to that? Yes
 And it’s fear-based
 So, please, please, folks, do not live your life from fear
 Do not, in fact, I want you to run toward it
 If you’re afraid of something, figure it out
 What is that about? Where’s the gift of power for me? Because if you can figure it out, you then take that power back and you can go into the next situation feeling more confident
 I want you all to go out and live your most alive lives every single day
 Lots lots to think about
 And if if you’re thinking about all this and you need some additional help, call Joanie
 All of Joany’s contact information is below in the show notes, including a Calendarly link that’s just for Second Act viewers
 So once again, Joanie, thank you and I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV
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