In this episode of Retirement Made to Order, Lee Gale explores the difference between genuine generosity and giving that comes with hidden expectations. He explains how gifts tied to control, obligation, or manipulation can damage relationships and undermine trust, whether the gift is money, time, attention, or love. Lee encourages viewers to consider the value of unconditional giving, showing how acts of generosity rooted in respect and sincerity strengthen relationships and empower others to make their own choices.
Lee Gale Gruen is a regular Podcast contributor for The Transitions Network. She is an actress, author, speaker, and blogger. She focuses on how retirees can customize their retirement to fit their own personalities, interests, and comfort level.
WEBSITE: https://leegalegruen.com
EMAIL: gowergulch@yahoo.com
BLOG: “Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years”:https://leegalegruen.wordpress.com
BOOKS ON AMAZON.COM:
“Reinventing Yourself in Your Retirement Years: Find Joy, Excitement, and Purpose After You Retire” https://tinyurl.com/33x9vmcx
“Adventures with Dad: A Father and Daughter’s Journey Through a Senior Acting Class” https://tinyurl.com/5d3yycjw
Click to see Full Transcript
Lee Gale Gruen (00:01.144)
Hello, welcome, or welcome back to my podcast, Retirement Made to Order. Do you give with strings attached? Have you ever been the recipient of such giving? Giving or gifting with strings attached is demeaning both to the giver and the receiver. It is a power play. The giver wants to control the receiver’s behavior.
The commodity involved with giving is usually thought of as money or tangible goods. However, it can also be things like love, attention, effort, and others of that nature. For example, many people use love as a manipulative tool. I love you when you’re good, that is, when you do what I want or act the way I want you to act.
Withdraw my love when you are bad, that is, when you don’t do what I want or act in a way I don’t like. This often occurs between spouses, significant others, parents and children, and other close relationships. Retirees are certainly ripe for such behavior, both as the giver and the receiver. The giving with strings attached scenario.
Usually goes something like this Okay, I’ll give you X, but in return I expect Y from you. That’s fine for a formal contractual agreement or a gift for a specific purpose previously agreed upon by both sides, such as college tuition for your grandchildren in exchange for him or her maintaining passing grades. However, in more casual giving
It is the control freak’s agenda and is resented by the receiver. Of course, the potential giver has the choice of not giving in the first place. If you are asked to give and choose not to do so, just say no and go about your business. You don’t have to turn your no into a lesson, admonition, or verbal manifesto. However, if you do commit to give, you
Lee Gale Gruen (02:27.043)
Be it once or for an extended period or for a lifetime. Don’t use your promised gift as a power tool, canceling it if you get mad or don’t get your way. Keep your word, or it will result in the recipient never trusting you again. If your gift is unconditional, it will benefit both parties so much more than if it is retractable upon your whim.
If you give unconditionally to loved ones, the benefit you receive is knowing that you gave out of love or sincerity and not the quest for power. The benefit the recipients get is the same. They know you trust them to make decisions for themselves. Their decisions may not be what you would have chosen, but you’ve shown respect for them, which in the long run.
Is the much more valuable message. If you give to strangers, such as an organized charity or a homeless person on the street, behave the same. Don’t admonish the street beggars that they must use your handout for food and not alcohol or drugs. Treat them with respect so they can make their own decisions about how to live their lives. Maybe one day.
Someone will give to you in your time of need. Wouldn’t you prefer it be on terms of love and or respect rather than power and control? I’m Lee Gail Gruen. I hope you’ll visit me again here on my podcast, Retirement Made to Order, hosted by the Transitions Network. I will be regularly posting new podcasts.
Feel free to contact me if you want to comment on any of my podcasts. You’ll find my email address in the information that follows, or in the description at the beginning of any of my podcasts, along with links to my website, my blog, and my two books on Amazon.com. Goodbye for now.