Haven’t Found The One? The Unrealistic Expectations Keeping You Single After 50!

This is not a lower your expectations conversation
 This is a set your expectations properly conversation so that you can be truly available and truly open to finding finding love
 Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
 Once again, I’m so happy to welcome back Lori Gerber, the dating coach, relationship expert, love expert, which is one of the things we’re going to talk about today
 Lori, thanks so much for being here
 Great to be here
 Lori, when I look back on lots of the well, topics you and I have done or just that we’ve done on Second Act, one thing that really resonates with people is any segments on mistakes
 And one of the the biggest mistakes that keeps coming up is having unrealistic expectations and bringing that to to the dating process
 So today I want to discuss most common unrealistic expectations
 One of the biggest uh unrealistic expectations is expecting instant chemistry or that spark that that’s a musthave and and both men and women I think have you know bring that equally, right? It’s a It’s actually great news
 Some people say they were attracted to the person they fell in love with at first, but a heck of a lot of people say that they weren’t at first attracted
 They did not at first think the person was their type, but over time the attraction grew
 Now, I have a very important thing to say here, which is over time doesn’t mean months and months and months and months, right? It means if it’s months and months and months, there’s probably an issue
 But days and weeks, okay, for your personality to come out, your swagger to come out, how you treat someone to unfold such that they feel away when they’re with you
 The way you talk to a person, the way you whisper to a person, how you smell, what you wear
 There are so many factors to chemistry and attraction that you’re going to find out over time
 But again, over time means three dates
 Over time does not mean forever
 Yeah, this is one of the the most difficult points to actually get across because, you know, it’s like, well, if I’m not attracted, why would I go out with them again? And I I get that
 I I really do get that
 And I think that’s why a lot of people, you know, believe it
 Online dating doesn’t work or there’s no good people out there because you do make that hasty judgment
 And like you said, most people, it does take a few times before you go, you know, I kind of like him or I kind of like her
 So, Exactly
 Exactly
 You cannot you cannot separate out attraction from how you feel around someone
 And and everybody has an example of someone who on paper or in picture looked like they were going to be the hottest thing and then you started talking to them
 I mean, I have a million examples of you think they’re attractive, they’re your type, but once you start talking, come on
 There’s just it’s like anti-attraction
 That is such a great point that here’s somebody just gorgeous or or you know, just hot this hot guy opens his mouth and it’s like uhoh
 [laughter] Good news for men and women who have any insecurities about how they look
 It’s really not about how you look
 It’s about finding the right match for you and about giving it a chance to evolve
 Number two here, expecting a perfect partner with no baggage
 And again, we’re talking about dating after 50 midlife, please
 [laughter] Maybe it’s an AI thing
 It it it is funny because I get it in the comments all the time just or or in conversations
 People are surprised that, you know, oh my god, they have so much baggage that Well, [laughter] have you looked at yours? You know, we Right
 Right
 We’ve lived
 We’ve lived
 Yeah
 I I was going to, you know, my joke was like, well, maybe you want to be with a robot, but even robots have glitches and problems
 Like, there’s really no getting out of what it is to be alive in relationship with other humans, which means you’re going to go through things with them and you’re going to have what I call liabilities
 And I think we did a whole conversation on liabilities because it is my belief that everyone has approximately seven liabilities in relationships
 It’s either something about your life that’s unusual, a bad habit, a health condition, a personality trait, whatever it is
 You’re going to have something that is not great
 Why not find out about it early in dating instead of hiding it or expecting it not to be there? I would more I well I do I warn all my clients simply find out on the first three dates what it is that’s imperfect about the person
 I like I literally don’t want you to have a fourth date unless you could tell me seven things because that means you didn’t get to know the person
 [laughter] So it what is it? Are they bald? Do they have erectile dysfunction? Are they living with their mom? Does are their kids still dependent on them? Are they do they have trouble with money? What is it? Heart problems? Is it prostate problems? What is it? And everyone’s going to have a list
 So expect it and actually invite knowing what it is so you can decide are those tolerable for you? Are those something you can work with or not? And it’s not really about the baggage cuz like Lori just said you’re they’re going to have baggage
 It’s really how you’ve handled it
 How have you managed it? Have you learned from it? How are you dealing with it? That that’s that’s the key because there will be there will be baggage
 Number three here, expecting to feel like 30 again
 And this is [laughter] I wake up every morning like that
 Don’t you? And then if you don’t feel that that either something is wrong with with who you’re dating or or think that something’s wrong with yourself
 And both men and women do this do this as well
 Right
 Well, hormones change, y’all
 I’m I’m sorry to tell you
 I’m sure you have episodes about it
 Hormones change
 And we should not expect to have the same hormonal, emotional, or physical responses that we had 5, 10, 20, 50 years ago
 It’s an everchanging thing
 And I am the age that I am
 And I’m going to define head, heart, and hoo-ha desire for me right now
 What’s practical for my life? What feels good to me right now? And what turns me on right now? And I’m sorry that even if you’re in a relationship and you’re listening to this, you might have changed in what your three desires are, right? you are not 30 anymore
 You’re not the age you were last year anymore
 I personally think you should be reassessing regularly, at least every few years, even if you’re in a relationship, what is it that I desire now? How do I want to feel now? And what am I going to do about that if it’s not if I’m not feeling the way I want to feel? Yeah
 And good or good or bad, age will change that
 That’s also a fact
 There’s going to be differences
 So, don’t don’t expect to have the same feelings that you did when you were 30
 Another big another big uh expectation unrealistic expectation is expecting financial or lifestyle compatibility to be effortless
 And this is something they point out here is that uh I mean both people do it but more more often than not it’s men
 Well I I hear people complaining about it all the time because of the age we are
 We have certain things that feel like they’re set in stone
 To now all of a sudden think about combining lives with another person who almost definitely will not be the same as you is a big it’s a big hurdle
 Interestingly, unlike maybe a few decades ago when you had to move in together to have a family and then you had to raise a family together and maybe you needed to combine finances for whatever reason
 That’s not true anymore and that’s really exciting
 So, actually, you do not need to be as compatible as you might have thought you needed to be in decades past
 That’s that’s the good news
 The bad news is that it takes time and some things do need to be compatible if they’re important to you
 But what I encourage my clients to do is separate what’s important to you and what’s not
 So, if travel’s important to you and you need to go first class, then that’s something you need to sort out in early dating
 But if fitness is not important to you, that’s not something you need to sort out
 If if cats and dogs are important to you, it just depends on what’s important to you
 And unfortunately, we sometimes we have a list that’s based on what society thinks is important
 That’s not what we really think is important
 And that’s where I think you you really have to do the introspection to go, what are the really key things that matter to me? And are there ways to work around it? Because so many people think, oh, well, they have to have as much money as I do, or they have to live in the same place as I do, or they have to love dogs
 And it’s not true
 They might have to like your dog
 They might have to get to your house every weekend
 They might have to be able to go on a trip twice a year, but that is not the same thing as being the same as you
 And that’s good news
 I could talk about this for a whole a whole episode
 It it is this this this is worthy of a whole episode
 So, just yeah, be aware that don’t bring that it’s not going to be smooth
 It Well, it depends on how you know how you bring it up, how you make it smooth or not
 So, here’s another good one
 Expecting someone to check all the boxes
 And in this case, that’s women are very guilty of this
 Most women do this, right? Literally impossible
 And it’s so funny because most of us have sold out on our dream
 And so when we finally come around to dreaming again, it’s like, well, it’s all or nothing
 [laughter] I got to have it
 I have to make up for all these years of selling out
 And that’s not really fair to to the other side
 So, I’ve never seen anybody get every single thing on their 3H chart ultimately, but the point is they get the most important things and the things they most need
 And I want to clarify one thing right now because you brought that up
 What’s important to know that you don’t misunderstand it
 This is not a list of you have to have so much money, you have to have this color hair
 That that those are the lists that keep us single
 That’s what the unrealistic expectation is to really focus in on what matters to you, right? And when you ask yourself, why do I even care about that thing? It it starts to whittle down to, oh, I want to like looking at the face
 I want to feel safe and and secure in the relationship, and I want to have a good time and be intellectually compatible and be able to do certain things together, right? So, it it really when you start to inquire really, what are the check boxes? It becomes way fewer check boxes, which is very helpful
 Like, why do you want him to have a master’s degree or a PhD? What is it about that that Yeah, exactly
 It’s per perfect perfect example
 Another one here, expecting a fast track to commitment
 And often women, it says often women, but I think men are some men anyway are guilty of that as well, right? Yeah
 We’re scared, you know
 I think men are scared that they’re going to lose you
 They want to lock it down, you know
 They [laughter] want to have the they want to have that assurance
 Um, and I think women are that way, too
 I also think we are remembering back to the last time we dated, which might have been when there was a biological clock ticking where there really was like a if I don’t lock this down, I might miss my window to have a family
 And again, blissfully, this is why I love coaching people over 50
 It’s like no, you do not have to rush
 You do not have to rush
 Now, if you have a feeling that you want to be monogamous when you’re having sex with somebody, which a lot of women feel, that I understand, and that and that means you might be waiting longer to have sex, or you might be being temporarily monogamous with somebody that isn’t necessarily a good long-term potential in order to enable you to start experimenting in that physical intimacy realm
 So, I do push for monogamy when it comes to starting to be sexual, but that is not synonymous with long-term commitment
 That’s just synonymous with not sleeping with other people, [laughter] right? That’s that’s a distinction
 And I think it’s actually really great that at this stage of life, we don’t have to rush into a longterm commitment
 We don’t have to combine finances
 We don’t have to move in with each other
 We really can see how it feels over time
 Because if you haven’t experienced every season with a person, you really don’t know them that well yet
 And that’s that’s okay for that to be the truth
 It’s great if the chemistry is great
 It’s great if you feel great together
 That’s all awesome
 But there’s still a lot of life to live to figure out if it’s really right for a long-term commitment
 What I’ve seen personally, some friends of mine, they jump into it so fast that now all of a sudden they’ve created a situation that they can’t get out of and it doesn’t it doesn’t work
 Yeah
 Not to your benefit
 No
 No
 So I don’t No
 You don’t want to waste a bunch of time after 50 either
 Yeah
 Do Yes
 Maybe move the relationship further, but don’t don’t commit to things that are going to end up being like a divorce
 It it’s And I’ve seen a lot of people do that
 Well, finally here, expecting others to meet needs you haven’t met for yourself
 And again, this is the brilliance of the 3H method and the actual exercise, which in the free webinar that you’re going to link to, I take you through making the 3H chart because I ask you for each thing that you list as important to you, are you also providing it? It’s such a simple litmus test
 Are you actually why do you care about that? That’s really important question to ask about each criteria
 But the next thing you ask is, am I providing that? Because if you’re asking for fitness and you’re not fit, or you’re asking for wealth and you don’t bring something equivalent to the table, or if you’re asking for nurturance and care and you don’t bring it, whatever it is, right? It it it something’s fishy
 So, you got to you got to do that work and figure out, okay, where do I need this to come from? Ideally, I think we provide a lot for ourselves
 Our friends provide a lot for us
 We don’t want to become dependent on another person for something that we need because you know what best case scenario one of you dies like really happily ever after is until one of you dies
 So I don’t want you dependent on another human being
 Interdependence fine right? I I I’m not saying there’s not a great benefit in being with another person in a romantic relationship but I don’t really want you dependent
 So, if you find that there’s something you’re looking for that you don’t want to provide for yourself or can’t provide for yourself or to another, just go hunting
 What’s that about? What do you still need to work on so that it’s just a union of people having fun and being each other’s best friends and having a great time physically together? It’s not someone compensating for what you can’t have or do for yourself
 Well, and if you’re lonely and unhappy, that nobody else can really fix that
 Maybe the loneliness
 I I don’t know
 But I’m un I’m happy
 Nobody can make you happy
 You have to make yourself happy
 And again, I’m pointing at myself because you do think, well, if I just meet someone, then all this will be fixed
 Or I’ I’ve had those thoughts, you know, just once I’m in a relationship again, I’ll be I don’t remember the name of the study, but it’s in one of my blogs where they studied what the number one predictor of success in relationships was
 And I always ask people, what do you think the number one, you know, what do you think the number one is? And nobody has ever guessed this correctly on the first try
 The number one
 Do you want to guess? I I I I know this, but I can’t I know this one
 [laughter] I’m sure you’ve read the study
 You’re so learned
 But I’ll I’ll reveal
 Okay
 So, the number one predictor of success in romantic relationships is how happy you were before you got into the relationship
 Hands down
 Being happy with yourself, loving yourself is the precursor to finding happy lasting love
 Sorry, it’s so hard
 Sorry
 Sorry, it’s a hard not an easy fix
 Not an easy fix
 The and and not a pill
 Well, and it’s okay
 The reason you’re dating is probably because something happened that there was loss associated with that, right? Be it divorce, be it losses
 I mean, we all have that
 And yeah, there’s moments of unhappiness
 There there’s periods of unhappiness that that’s normal
 It’s really the what’s unrealistic is expecting someone else to to fill that for you
 That that’s where it gets difficult
 So, well, Lori, again, we’re coming coming to the end of this important segment
 This is a really important segment because we we don’t think about this, I think, unless it’s pointed out was pointed out to us
 So, what what would you like to leave our viewers with? I I’m I I love my last I get to do my last big big plug
 So, I want to say also don’t expect the opposite
 It could be easy to work out your logistics
 That could happen
 It could be that somebody provides something for you that you don’t provide for them, right? It could be that someone checks off all your boxes, right? Like, but it’s kind of the exception that proves the rule, right? So, I don’t want you to, you know, swing all the way to the other side of some sort of hopelessness, right? There is actually tremendous hope that you can find somebody that deeply does meet your needs
 So I just want to say like you know this is not a lower your expectations conversation
 This is a set your expectations properly conversation so that you can be truly available and truly open to finding finding love
 What a great way to sum that up
 That is exact
 This is not about lowering
 This is about setting them properly
 Lori, thank you so much
 And Lori is really is full of full of more wisdom like that
 So, if you need it, [laughter] she’s full of it
 All of Lor’s contact information is in the show notes below
 She is a wonderful coach
 Lots of people have already contacted you
 I know that because I see it in the comments
 And Lori, I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV
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