Is everything you believe about women’s sexual satisfaction after 50 wrong? 🤔 In this candid conversation, renowned women’s sexual health expert Dr. James Simon sets the record straight on the myths and misconceptions that both men AND women carry into midlife intimacy. From the belief that low desire means a woman isn’t attracted to her partner, to the misconception that pain during sex is just “something you have to live with,” Dr. Simon reveals the truth that most people never hear. Sex after 50 is not about “losing it.” It’s about adapting! With the right approach, intimacy can actually become more satisfying in midlife — for both partners.
Dr. James A. Simon is a board-certified OB/GYN, reproductive endocrinologist, and American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT)-Certified Sexuality Counsellor. He serves as Clinical Professor at George Washington University and has a private practice, IntimMedicine Specialists® in Washington, D.C. Dr. Simon has received numerous awards including: “Top Washington Physicians,” “America’s Top Obstetricians and Gynecologists,” “Super Doctors of Washington DC-Baltimore-Northern Virginia,” and “The Best Doctors in America.” He is the only physician to serve as President of both The North American Menopause Society and the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health. Dr. Simon is an established researcher, has served as principal investigator on more than 300 clinical trials, and is the author of “Restore Yourself: A Woman’s Guide to Reviving Her Sexual Desire and Passion for Life.”
Silke Schwarzkopf is the creator, executive producer, and host of 2nd Act TV, one of YouTube’s leading channels for candid conversations about dating, relationships, intimacy, and life after 50. Her journey to this work wasn’t planned—it was personal. Shortly after turning 50, Silke made the difficult decision to leave her 25-year marriage, close the production company she had co-owned for nearly two decades, and return to her Southern California roots to start over. Like millions of people navigating divorce, dating, and reinvention later in life, she found herself searching for guidance, encouragement, and authentic conversations that simply didn’t exist.
Drawing on her background in public relations and television production—and her own experiences of rebuilding happiness, finding love again, and creating a new career—Silke launched 2nd Act TV to help others navigate the challenges and opportunities of midlife. Today, she interviews leading experts on dating, relationships, intimacy, sexual health, and personal growth while never losing sight of what makes the channel unique: We’ve been there. We live what we bring you. Her message is one she hopes everyone remembers: it’s never too late to follow your heart, rediscover yourself, and create a life—and relationship—you truly love.
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Five pros and cons about hard balling
Is it good for us? You know, is this something that could be for you? What is hard balling? Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
Once again, I want to welcome back Sandy Weiner, the dating coach, founder of Last First Date, and the author of Choice Points in Dating and Love at Last Sitting right there behind me
Sandy, thank you so much for joining us again
Thanks for having me
And Silka, you got the pointing really down today
I’m really proud of you
Thank you
Thank you
Yeah, I know that that used to be an issue with us here, Sandy
Today’s topic, hard balling
Again, another another new trend
What is hard balling? Well, it’s exactly the way it sounds
It’s about being upfront early on about what you’re looking for in a relationship
And so many people wait forever to talk about what they’re looking for
Are you looking for marriage? Are you looking for a long-term relationship? something casual, poly, whatever
Just to be clear, so there’s no guessing games
Why are we even talking about this the And I what I mean by that is why do you think that has come up fairly recently, this whole concept of hard balling? Yeah
I mean, I think that we have gotten so bad at communication that people do end up in situationships so often
That’s such a big thing today
And I think we’re getting back into we want to just be clear and direct
This is one of those things to where it sounds it sounds good
You know, it sounds good, but is is it good for us? You know, is this something that could be for you? Let’s get right down here to number one
The pro first pro is saves time and energy
Okay
So, you’re clear with what you want
you can quickly weed out the people who are not aligned with what you’re both looking for
That’s something that’s going to save you a lot of time and energy
And I I have seen so many people who aren’t clear enough get burnt out from dating so quickly
I would imagine that it also can save us a lot of anxiety or second guessing
That’s what popped in my my mind
You know, oh, what are we? Does he like me? Blah blah blah
you kind of get right to the point, but that could also really turn someone off, which I guess is the second point here, the con
It can feel too intense too soon
Yeah
So, some people don’t want to know that you want to get married eventually
I actually have a client whose ultimate goal is marriage, but we talked about not getting into that conversation
talk about long-term relationships that you’re serious about dating, but bringing up marriage on a first date is is a little soon for a lot of people
So, you say you want a partner, you say you want long-term commitment, you bring up marriage maybe a few dates in
Another pro here, builds authentic connections faster
Yeah, it helps you to filter out the players, the people who have mixed signals, the people who might ghost you in the future because they’re not on the same page
So, when both people are upfront at the beginning, you can clear the space for a genuine authentic connection, it’s a relief
Like I said earlier, there’s so much ambiguity, so much lack of clarity, so much confusion in dating
So, I would say be honest, but also be curious and ask people open-ended questions like, “What are you looking for right now?” You want to state your goals, but you also want to keep this as a as a dialogue, not a monologue, not a demand
I have to have this or I’m walking away
You know, there’s a way to say this that makes it more of a communication of a conversation, not a declaration
Yeah
like a transactional business negotiation or something that that kind of Exactly
Yeah
Depending again on how on how you say it
I would think also under that particular pro maybe you know maybe you attract like like-minded people you know if two of you hook up if you will not hook up in that sense but if you meet someone who thinks the way you do especially over 50 like us that you would appreciate that kind of directness you know again the way that it’s said and I look forward to the comments on this once I uh really got into reading this a lot of questions came up and a lot opinions and I look forward to hearing those from our from our viewers, you know, as well
Another con risks closing the door too quickly
Yeah
So, for some people stating what you want up front can feel a little bit like too much too soon, like we said about the marriage or something like that
And somebody might just walk away from you because they feel that you’re so focused on this one goal that you’re not going to take the time maybe to get to know them
So you might close the door on somebody great because you’re going, I only date people for marriage
You do want to stay somewhat flexible, right? you know what your end goal is, but you know your non-negotiables, know your deal breakers, know your musthaves, but you still need to leave some room to discover who each other is
So that it’s not an ultimatum
This is are we aligned like we’ve said a few times here, but do our values match? Are we aligned? Then we can discover if we’re aligned for the long term
I think one of the the problems I have with it or one of the things that hits me is that this doesn’t really account for like evolving desires
You might you might meet this person and you don’t even really know what you will or will not I mean there there’s no evolution here if if you as you said if you just this is you know this is what I want and and that could be a big turnoff for someone
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Thanks, Sandy
Anyway, back to our topic
Yeah, so what you just said is really true
I think that relationships, healthy relationships evolve, but you do have to know what your goal is
So, let’s say you’re looking for a job, but it’s just a part-time job
If you go in looking for a part-time job and they’re only looking for a full-time person, then it’s not the right alignment
So, those are things you do need to know upfront
You will not know whether this part-time job will be a good fit for you until you ask the right questions
You know, spend a little more time in the interview
And it’s the same process
You know, we have to know what are our goals
Are we aligned with the the company’s values? Is the boss easy to work with? You know, what’s the culture of the of the job? You know, we can apply this to any part of our life
You have to have a vision, but you don’t know all the pieces until you start to get to know somebody
The more I read this, it felt like um almost like you and I did a segment, we we’ll link to it on burn burned haystack dating or something like that to where again it’s a very direct way of just getting to exactly what you want
And to me, that all raises more red flags up front than it really helps
So I don’t want to poo poo this necessarily but there’s a lot of a lot of thought that has to go into this about taking this sort of directness anyway is but like for me it would be really difficult to do
So when we asked again you know is this for you probably not for me and that’s again I’m wondering what you’re thinking
I don’t want my opinion to influence anyone because I tend not to be direct
I would be reluctant to heartbug being too pushy, you know, where men might be too controlling
So, again, looking forward to the comments to see how, you know, what what you think
Are you frustrated by not being direct? I would say that most people I work with begin with having trouble being direct and clear
And when I help them to clarify that, let’s say they’re looking for a long-term relationship and they don’t want to text a lot in between dates, especially in the beginning
So, that’s also something like if you’re keeping in mind, I’m looking for connection
I want to go on another date with you and be in person and not continue to get to know you on text
That’s, you know, that’s got to be spoken in a kind way
So, it’s not the ultimatum like if you’re not going to marry me within, you know, 3 months, I’m walking away and I’m going to know that on the first date
That’s not realistic
And I think that can turn somebody off
But and and when you you brought up the burn hay stack and I just want to say that one of the things that turns me off from that method is that it it will judge somebody before you know somebody based on some of the words that they’ve used in their profile or some of the things they’ve said
And I think that can be harsh and it can also push people away that could be a good match
So, this is more about coming in with clarity about who you are, what you’re looking for, not waste time with somebody who’s never going to be clear with you
You know, that to me makes sense
But coming in going, hey, I’m looking for, you know, a husband
I mean, look, there are people who that’s all they are looking for and they should be that clear
You know, matchmaking is based on that a lot
Well, at point five here then uh you you label as a pro and a con and that is that heart balling encourages vulnerability
Why is that a pro and a con? Explain that
So vulnerability is a strength not a weakness
It means that you’re going to be open and if you are vulnerable without balance then it can feel like oversharing or pressure on the other person
So my tip is always to share about yourself in layers
Don’t reveal your entire five-year plan on date one
So you start with broad strokes
You add detail as trust and intimacy build
So vulnerability is kind of parsed out as a relationship grows
But you want to know that that person has the ability to be vulnerable with you
But if you get too vulnerable too quickly, that can be a con
And I think timing I think you’ve you’ve you’ve referenced that as well but the whole timing it it doesn’t necessarily have to be on the first date does it to where you take that that sort of a stance I mean can’t you hard ball maybe over three dates or is that not hard balling anymore then I I think that’s a good point
I think that if you’re dating online, you’re going to state what your preference is anyway
Hopefully, that you’re being honest about what you’re looking for
But some people will list four different things
They’ll say they’re looking for long-term, short-term, open to monogamy or non- monogamy
So, it’s confusing
And so, I think on a first phone call or first date, you can ask for clarity about what is it that you want in the long term
The hard balling would come, you know, I think being really honest and direct about this is this it doesn’t seem to be a priority for you
That could come after a few dates where you realize the person is barely in touch and they’re not really making dates and you know they they’re not making time for you
They may say they want long term, but then you could heartball them and say, “Listen, I’m looking for somebody who’s going to prioritize relationships right now, and it doesn’t seem to be something you’re doing
” And so that’s fine, but we don’t seem to be on the same page
So, I’m going to move on
That to me is just being honest and direct
And, you know, that’s fine
It’s fine that you want to be the way you are
That’s fine
But it doesn’t work for me
based on what you just said, like I was perfectly fine with saying, you know, I am looking for a relationship
I’m not looking just to have fun
I did state that up front
So, if that’s heartballing, I you know, I did a pretty good job at that
in what you were saying that you know some people oh I’m I want everything you know hey when that was in the profile I always took that as a red flag that this is somebody who absolutely does not know what they want or you know they they’re I would label that as a player so hard balling or being more direct or asking no you know what what is it you want I think is perfectly appropriate
Yeah
And I think most of us have some form of hard balling in dating
If we if we really want to be in a relationship, then we’re going to want to know, is this person on the same page? And the sooner that you find that out, the better
Somebody can say that they want to be in a relationship, but their actions don’t match
So, even if they don’t have, you know, long-term, short-term, open to this, open to that, even if they say long-term relationship, then you still have to watch their actions and see if they really mean what they say
I think that could actually be another con that being that direct can also encourage maybe somebody to just answer your questions or give you what you want to hear in order maybe to get you into bed
That’s kind of negative, but I I think I don’t know
I guess I I was so raised with never being that direct and not I’m not saying that’s that’s right, but it you know, a lot came up for me there that just just reading about it kind of made me uncomfortable
So again, I’m interested to hear what others have to say
Sandy, what what is the bottom line here? The bottom line is being direct doesn’t mean that that you’re being harsh or demanding
And I think that especially as women who were raised not to be direct, and I would say a lot of men are raised in the same way, the more we can just say everything we need directly, the better our relationships will be
I mean, if somebody says, “Are you available for a date this week?” letting them know Tuesday night or Wednesday night between 7 and 9 work for me instead of having them go, “So, what about Tuesday?” And do you like Italian? And you know, we don’t have to go back and forth 85 times in order to find out what kind of food you like and where you want to meet and all that stuff
So if you can just be that direct even about like where you like to meet, what you like to do, the fact that you don’t want to meet for a four course meal on a first date is also direct
And it’s it’s said with kindness, it’s said with warmth, but if you’re not direct, you’re going to you’re going to get a lot of inconsistency
You’re going to get a lot of confusion and situationships and all the things that most people don’t want to have
Well, and ultimately it is about saving time
This will definitely save you time as long as you don’t turn people off
And the way you just explained it makes perfect sense
It It’s in the way you ask, how you ask
But if but especially if there’s a reason to ask, then this Yeah, this will this will send you a lot of time
So Sandy, thank you
You always raise great topics that certainly get us thinking, certainly get me thinking
So, if you need some help with this, if you’re thinking about hard balling, don’t know if it’s right for you, contact Sandy
She’s a fabulous coach
All of her information is in the show notes below
And and be sure to pick up her books right there
Love at last full of encouragement as yes, this is possible after 50 and choice points in dating provides a platform for getting and finding that person that’s right for you
So, thank you again, Sandy, and I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV