Do you ever catch yourself sharing way too much on a date? 😬 You’re not alone! Oversharing — or giving a little “too much information” too soon — is one of the most common (and misunderstood) dating behaviors, especially after 50. Dating Coach and Relationship Expert Sandy Weiner explains the 5 biggest emotional reasons we overshare — and why it often backfires when we’re trying to build connection and attraction.
Silke Schwarzkopf is the creator, executive producer, and host of 2nd Act TV, one of YouTube’s leading channels for candid conversations about dating, relationships, intimacy, and life after 50. Her journey to this work wasn’t planned—it was personal. Shortly after turning 50, Silke made the difficult decision to leave her 25-year marriage, close the production company she had co-owned for nearly two decades, and return to her Southern California roots to start over. Like millions of people navigating divorce, dating, and reinvention later in life, she found herself searching for guidance, encouragement, and authentic conversations that simply didn’t exist.
Drawing on her background in public relations and television production—and her own experiences of rebuilding happiness, finding love again, and creating a new career—Silke launched 2nd Act TV to help others navigate the challenges and opportunities of midlife. Today, she interviews leading experts on dating, relationships, intimacy, sexual health, and personal growth while never losing sight of what makes the channel unique: We’ve been there. We live what we bring you. Her message is one she hopes everyone remembers: it’s never too late to follow your heart, rediscover yourself, and create a life—and relationship—you truly love.
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Five of the top reasons why we overshare
Not only do we need to be aware of why we do it, but the effect that we actually have on our date
[music] Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV
Once again, I want to welcome back Sandy Weiner, the dating coach, relationship expert, the founder of Last First Date, and author of Choice Points in Dating, and Love at Last
Sandy, thank you for being here again
Thanks for having me again
Let me just really quickly give a plug to our new merchandise that will help support our channel
Just go to secondact
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We’ve got all kinds of stuff here
We we happen to have our coffee cups
So to our topic today, oversharing
Instead of focusing today on really what it is, we want to talk about why we do this
It’s such a huge mistake
Not only do we need to be aware of why we do it, but the effect that we actually have on our date
Well, if you’ve ever been on a date with somebody who’s oversharing, you can feel it in your body
It’s like, “Oh my god, I did I need to know all that right now? I just just met you
” So, it can feel like emotional overload
Like you are dumping out all your trauma on me
I don’t really want to hear this
It’s too soon
We don’t want to know your whole life story the minute we meet
It’s too much
Exactly
Because you’re going to turn them off
That that’s I think the key thing is you were running people off and when I say you I mean you [laughter] you know I I was a big overshare and to me it was a revelation that that’s what I was doing and the effect it had
So so let’s talk about you know why why do we do this and the first point that you bring here is trust issues
Yeah
If you’ve been hurt before, if you’ve been left, if you’ve been betrayed, and you have a fear of betrayal or abandonment, you might find yourself oversharing as a way to test and see if the other person can be trusted
Are they going to still date me if they know everything about me, you know? So, it’s instead of building trust, this type of sharing can feel really overwhelming like we just said
And the truth is that they haven’t earned that level of intimacy
So you end up pushing that person away not because they don’t care about you, but because they don’t feel ready for those deeper parts of you
And when you say that you’re testing them, it’s funny when I read these, and I want to say I think I did all five of them at one point or another, [laughter] but to me, it’s like I didn’t know I was doing this
It’s not I I I don’t think you’re saying you’re going on a date and saying, “Oo, I’m going to test to see that
” You’re you’re doing it subconsciously
Yeah, for sure
I mean, most of what we do is unconscious
We we we think we we need to share a lot about ourselves because that’s how somebody’s going to fall in love with us
Or I had a friend who said, “I want to know everything about the person I’m dating right away
So, if they had cancer, I want to know on the first date
If they have trust issues, tell me right away
” And I’m like, “No, no, don’t do that
” So, I understand the desire to not have things hidden from you, but it comes with time
You you don’t want to know all the bad parts of a person or the flawed parts or I wouldn’t say bad parts, but people aren’t ready to hear it all
When they like you, when they care about you, they care about all the parts, right? And and I Yes
Never believe anyone
I don’t mean that as negative as it sounds
When they say, “Oh, no
I want to hear everything
” They they really don’t
And they might not realize that they really don’t until they hear it
[laughter] If that makes any sense
Yeah
Lack of emotional boundaries
How do we how do we achieve a lack of emotional boundaries? Yeah
You grow up in most of us grow up in homes where we didn’t have healthy models for emotional boundaries
So, you know, some parents overshared a lot
I just talked to a client today about this
My mother told me things I never wanted to hear
and you can’t unhear them and it’s like too much of your personal life is shared
You may not know that if you want closeness and again this is unconscious
If you want closeness you think you have to be completely open all the time with people
You don’t really understand boundaries because nobody ever taught you boundaries
And boundaries are not to block connection
They are there to protect what’s important to you to to create that bubble around you that people don’t get to come in until they know you well
So you need that space
Both of you need that space
Like when I’m I’ve been on a date with somebody who’s about to share something about an ex and he stops himself from going too deep
I respect that so much because it shows that he has some emotional boundaries
Yeah
And and whoever tells you that openness, you know, it is just a good thing, people appreciate that
It’s that’s it’s not no, not necessarily
Certainly not on on a on a first date
It can be absolutely over overwhelming
Number three here, need for validation
Yeah
I think that so many of us are on dates hoping that we’re going to get chosen, we’re going to be seen, we’re going to be accepted, we’re going to be liked, which is what we all really want
But sometimes we see oversharing as a way to get that external validation
So if we open up quickly, we hope our date is going to think, “Oh, I still like you in spite of your trauma
” Most people are not thinking that
Yeah
Lasting connection is not built on getting the other person’s validation
You have to have mutual discovery
You let somebody earn your deeper truths over time
Not all at one time
It’s too much
It’s like a fire hose
Like when you share too much information, you’re fire hosing somebody
I don’t know if you ever heard that term, but that’s Yeah, that’s it feels like the same thing
Like too much too much too much warning warning danger
I I absolutely did that on several occasions
I laugh about it now when I think about it
And and it never occurred to me that that was really troublesome or really overwhelming for the other person until I I turned it around like what if he or somebody period tells me all that
It’s like no, [laughter] it’s like oh my gosh, this is you’re you’re not you’re not being vulnerable
You’re just being obnoxious
Yeah
It’s too much
Yeah
Too much too soon is not good
Here, this is interesting
Fear of rejection
You overshare because of a fear of rejection
Yeah
So, if you’ve been rejected, which we all have, we often try to get ahead of that pain
I don’t want to feel that again
So, I’m going to share
I’m going to overshare early, you know, and if somebody knows everything about me upfront, I’m not going to get hurt later
I’m just going to find out now
like let me dump it all out now so I don’t get rejected in three months, you know? So, let me get rejected on the first date, then I’ll keep myself safe
And it’s it feels like it’s protection, but it actually pushes the other person away and you probably will get rejected on the first date because the person will be feeling like it’s too much
I I guess there’s a difference between, you know, having something to hide and just not not Yeah
not not letting it out, something that doesn’t need to be said
And if it is something that ultimately will affect your relationship if you go down relationship row, you know, yeah, ultimately that has to come out
But on the first date, oh boy, that’s a turnoff
It’s a real turnoff
If you start talking about some major like issues with your ex, etc
, etc
That’s I think that’s probably one of the most common, isn’t it? Definitely
It’s one of the most common
And you think about what questions people ask each other on a first date
So tell me, were you ever married? Oh, what was the cause of your divorce? If you don’t prepare your answers properly, you could just be vomiting out information that doesn’t belong on that date
And and some of this comes with healing
A lot of this comes with healing
I definitely shared things about my ex when I first started dating because I hadn’t really healed enough yet and I was just starting out and I thought, well, I’m going to let everyone know that I was in this relationship where I was treated this way and the honest truth is it made me look like a victim
It made me look like somebody who was not datable
I think that as a word of caution too and maybe to men more so than women on this one is if a woman asks you and see I’m going to ask you if you agree with me but we tend to ask well what did happen with your ex-wife or what happened with your girlfriend you know I want to know you you can tell me you know and then and next thing you know he opens up we don’t want to know [laughter] we don’t know that we don’t want to know but all we really want to know especially early on is how much you like to be with us
Great
You know, we do not want to hear, “Oh, yeah, I was so hurt
This is what she did
” It’s like, no, just don’t
Even if you’re encouraged to do so, don’t
I I’ve told that to a lot of men
Do you agree with me? It’s okay if you don’t
[laughter] Yeah
First of all, don’t ask that question because it opens up Pandora’s box
So, what I recommend is saying, “What did you learn from your last relationship?” That is a much better question because you want to see did they take away any important lessons? Are they taking responsibility for what they did? Because when you just say, “Oh, my ex was a horrible person
” You’re not taking any responsibility
You stayed in that relationship
You probably argued with that person
You didn’t know how to communicate
You didn’t leave early enough
Whatever it was
And I’m not blaming people cuz I did the same thing
But I’m saying that with healing comes like first of all compassion for you for staying a long time maybe in a relationship that didn’t work because you you didn’t have the skills you have today
So now with these new skills that’s all you want to know is are you taking away the right lessons and what will you do next time that’s different? Well, number five here talk about communication is is what you say communication struggles that Yeah
you you don’t you don’t know how to communicate, right? Yeah
So, it it may not be about trauma, but we just start saying too many things, right? We can pour out so many details hoping the other person is going to read between the lines and understand us and really see us
But it’s it’s really about clarity
Clarity is kind
Learning how to communicate what you need simply and directly
That’s a skill that I teach
It’s worth practicing
And all of this does not have to happen if you have the right skills
So, we can even overshare about something that happened that day
You know, I’m telling too many details and the person’s eyes glaze over
You know, that that’s another form of oversharing
Like, I don’t need to know that you went to the store, bought a dress, and then saw a friend and had a conversation
like I don’t know you
I mean, I I dated guys who would tell me about their grandchildren like with so much detail that I don’t even know you
I don’t really want to hear about your grandchild yet
Yet
That’s the point is you’re skipping a whole bunch of steps
You think that now I need to know about your genius grandchild who could be adorable and wonderful, but after we get to know each other
Yeah
There’s no Exactly
And there’s no connect
I think that also why we do that to this point is nervousness, especially on a first date
We don’t know what to say and we just start blabbing
But by we, I mean both men and women
I think men might even do this more so than women because there’s some guys that just won’t shut up, you know, on a first date
And I’m not blaming the guys, but it does tend to be more more guys
But it it bottom line, it’s it’s nervousness or trying to make a good impression
Yeah
And I’ll say another point with why a lot of men talk a lot on a first date is that they don’t share like that with their male friends
When they get in front of a woman who’s listening and a lot of women listen and don’t don’t interrupt and they don’t say anything
D I have free reign now
I can talk about myself and they don’t even realize a lot of times that they’re just going on and on
So that’s a safe space
So for women, you know, I encourage women to interrupt because a lot of men don’t even realize they’re doing it
And you know, and to be kind to them, like they they mean well a lot of times they just they’re not even aware that they they feel so comfortable with you that they’re just going to keep talking
Well, if any of these points struck you like they did me, like, okay, I can totally identify with that, you know, de definitely revisit revisit some of this or look into this deeper
What what do we do about it, Sandy? What what can we do instead? Is there a quick fix? Just shut up
[laughter] I you know, patience is really important
It’s one of the hardest things
But being able to pace yourself in the relationship, pace your stories, pace getting to know somebody
You don’t see them every single day of the week and talk to them for hours and hours and hours
There has to be a little mystery and a little like, you know, that’s what creates attraction
So let your relationship evolve chapter by chapter
Not read the whole book and then read the ending
You know, it’s like that’s what so many people do without even being aware
And understand boundaries because we talked about emotional boundaries and know that hiding some parts of you or not not disclosing all parts of you is healthy
Another thing is to prepare your stories and prepare level one, level two, level three
Here’s the first way that I’m going to share this story about why I got divorced
Simple
Tried to make it, you know, we wanted to make it work
Unfortunately, we dri drifted apart and now I’m looking forward to finding a partner
That’s it
How about you? And nothing more
Then the next level is well you know we had infidelity and that came up you know it’s and again we’re not going into detail but then the next level could be like after you’re in a relationship and you’ve built trust then you could talk about the trauma and all that stuff and you’ve been to therapy and whatever but if you’re not prepared you don’t have the ability often to share it in layers like that
Well, the key takeaway I think for me even after reading this and talking with you is that that one we don’t, you know, we we we don’t realize the effect that we have on other people and that we could be well, we could prevent a potentially great relationship from ever evolving if we turn them off with oversharing like I did
[laughter] Uh, yeah, it’s it’s futile and and I think you only recognize that if somebody points it out to you
So, we’re hoping that today’s conversation might be an aha moment for you
But I’ll let you I’ll let you close, Sandy
What What would you like to add here? Yeah, just to know that with the right person, you want to let things unfold over time
And the right person is not going to rush you
They’re not going to say, “Tell me everything at once
” They are going to be interested in the unfolding and the slow pace of how this thing becomes your last first date
That’s really to me I think just trust trust in the process
You know oversharing doesn’t bring people closer
It often pushes people away
Well, if you have issues with oversharing and you would like some of the help that Sandy has talked about today, you can pick up her book, Choice Points and Dating
I believe there’s a section in there on that or get in touch with Sandy directly
She’s obviously a fabulous coach and all of her contact information is in the show notes below
And yeah, don’t forget about the other book too, Love at Last, if you need that inspiration that yes, this can happen
Those are true stories of people who found each other after 50
So Sandy, thank you again
I look forward to our next conversation on Second Act TV
[music]