Does He Like Me? Why Early Dating is So Confusing (Dating After 50)

The question was, how do you survive the gray zone? That that’s how you survive it. Heavy heavy necking and [laughter] light petting. Thank you so much for joining us again on Second Act TV. Once again, I’m here with Trevor and today is happy hour. Cheers. Cheers. I think let’s do that again. Cheers. Cheers. There. Now it looks like we actually clicked. Okay, we can start. We can start. What are you drinking? What are you drinking? My low alcohol wine in my fave glass. A wise woman once said, “F this s.” And she looked happily ever after. That’s like my favorite thing to say. [laughter] Well, I’m drinking high alcohol reposado tequila. It can’t be high enough. Oh, that’s funny. We both had a little bit of a stressful week. So, I’m glad that everybody’s here joining us because we’re going to have fun in this conversation. It’s actually based totally on our viewers. Like Trevor and I, we always go through all the comments after, you know, after every after every video. Anyway, and this time after our last one, the one that said, you know, we’re kissing now what the gray zone. When you introduced the gray zone, we had some really oh god there. I mean people just really top left stories and there was a theme and that’s what we want to talk about today is uncertainty. That’s the gray zone. The gray zone. Exactly. Excuse me. I just have to say every time you say the gray zone, [laughter] you’re gonna laugh. I’ll tell you about that later. I I use that outtake for art for another one. Anyway, un so uncertainty and what does that mean? So the first first point I want to discuss here is why why is uncertainty so uncomfortable because people like to be in control of everything and it’s human nature. I do. I don’t like being out of control. I like to know. I do not like the unknowns. And yet that’s what love is all about. You don’t have any control pretty much. And I think that freaks people out. And I think it has a lot to do with fear and a lot to do with intim feeling intimidated. Yeah. Which is I guess two sides of the same coin. And I think that’s what ultimately is so unnerving about the early stages of dating. And a lot of the uh questions or the comments focus around that. Obviously, the early stages in dating, thus the gray zone in between. You’re you’re kind of off off to the races, you know, but you’re not at the races yet. [laughter] Yes. Yes. So, I I love this topic. It It’s Me, too. And I love the comments, everybody. You guys, I mean, you really blew me away. I really combed through those comments. They were so heartfelt. They were so honest. I loved the sharing. I loved the description. It was like you felt you felt the heat. You felt the nerves. It was It was just fantastic. Thank you. Thank you, everybody. Cheers. Here’s to [laughter] Okay. Cheers. Cheers. You cheers again. Okay, one one of the points that that came across as well because I think a lot of us do this, you know, why why or how do we assign meaning to to things that happen? We just start overanalyzing and you know why do we why do we do that? We don’t want to be hurt. It’s being feeling vulnerable is the worst. You make up all of these stories and all of these narratives and I I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to be rejected. There’s all this stuff and I’m going to be because it always happens and there’s that playing in the back of your mind. No, I get it. And it’s like it the comments like we have have here, you know, he texted me good night with a with a emoji, a hard emoji, and I spent the next day wondering what that really meant. Oh, well that’s that. Okay. Welcome to dating. Uh, in this new technological digital dating world, there’s this is why I hate I mean, I love texting for little things like that. like thinking of you emoji emoji that’s really cute I miss you people tend to read in what does this mean it’s is like code like codereers there’s so much interpretation that it’s it’s really easy to get in your head and not be able to get out so what what happened just now with me in my head this was from a man so this is a woman talking he texted me good night with a heart see I would read into that that that meant a lot because a man used an emoji with a heart that to because it means a lot to where women tend to use I mean I use emojis all the time. I probably you know drive people crazy with it maybe ask our men does do you typically use hearts or are we just overanalyzing this probably because that’s what we do uh those of us who are in our heads all the time. I love emojis. A little emoji with a kissy face. It gets the job done. Yeah. Just don’t just make sure you don’t send the eggplant. [laughter] Right. Exactly. Or the what? What is it? The peach. Is that something else? I don’t know. Yeah, the peach. The peach. That’s what I understand. Uh yeah, we had to learn all this. I think we actually did a video on that with uh with Joanie is the different what what what we have to learn about emoji. Hysterical. So look up what what uh the you know the eggplant. [laughter] And another another thing that was interesting that we we have like the exact same experience but two people can see it totally differently. Again the uncertainty and misinterpretations. You I’m sure you found that as well. Sure. Sure. Sure. Again this goes back to the unknowns and the uncertainty and and not read into it too deeply. That’s another thing that people tend to do because, you know, we’re human. As much as you hate the early stages of dating and they’re awkward and weird and but there’s something kind of wonderful about the unknowing knowingness of it, the magic of it, these sort of mystery. I love and I just like you just have to go with it because that’s how everything begins. All love kind of begins like that. You never really know, right? You shouldn’t always know. go with that and just enjoy it. Enjoy the ride. That’s what I always say because eventually you will get your answers. You’ll find out. You’ll know where you stand. They will you’ll let them know where they stand. It’s all going to come out anyway. But in the beginning, loosen the death grip you have on the need to know where you stand, how this person feels about you, because you will find out. Yeah. Well, and that’s the example actually when you I try to make some notes on the comments about what we’re talking about and and two examples were, you know, I thought we were becoming a couple. Now, this is obviously taken out of context from a longer quote, but the the the key being I thought we were becoming a couple and then uh somebody else apparently he thought we were just enjoying each other’s company. Okay. Does that does that include well does that include um sex part of the enjoying one’s company? Because you know that’s that needs to be determined. You need to establish that like what is is this you know this is this is what I’m looking for. This is what I want. This is what I’m okay with. The more you communicate actually I think it’s the hotter it becomes the more like wow okay we’ve got we we’ve got green lights. We’re you know start your engines gentlemen. But in the meantime in in the beginning in the very beginning when it’s date one and it’s the end of date one and you’re kissing each other good night or maybe not or maybe it’s a peck on the cheek just go home and go wow that was really great that was so I look forward to the next one and let’s just see let’s take a step by step do not get ahead of yourself just chill out as you say that and as I understand how important that is and as we are advising or suggesting ing to our viewers to do that. I know I couldn’t I would automatically [laughter] Yes. I I it just and that’s what drive driv drive you crazy and that’s what can drive your the person that you’re with drive them crazy where you have to be careful and we talked about that in other episodes how I learned and how I ran people off on the second date. [laughter] Yeah. Because I was way ahead. Certainly something, you know, to pay attention to there. Are you bringing just ridiculous expectations to the table after a first date? We could do an entire segment just on tempering your expectations because you know how I feel about expectations. They are total killers, right? They they can’t they they will they do you no good to have them uh to you go in with a just a blank slate and kind of expect I guess anything. I mean that’s how I sort of approach life. Expect the worst maybe and then just enjoy whatever happens and be prepared and be okay with however it goes. That’s the key. It’s interesting how that affected me when you said expect the worst because my mother always told me that don’t don’t ever you know because it’s not going to go it’s not going to go that good. It’ll end. And I’ve been trying to get that out of my head not to expect not to expect anything really but to see where it goes. It’s it’s so hard to do. It’s very hard to do. But you got to sort of stay neutral. When I say expect the word, expect anything because I mean, isn’t that life whether you’re going on a date or to the doctor, I mean, it’s just it’s a very stoic philosophy way of thinking where it’s you’re not you’re not um doing something to fail. You’re just saying, “Okay, I have the strength, courage, resilience to accept whatever comes my way.” And if it’s great, great. Let’s go. I mean, that’s that’s how I roll. That’s a great that’s a great way to put it. Well, and then that goes to overthinking expectations and over and overinking like like this was interesting too. I almost talked myself out of seeing him again because he didn’t text quickly enough. [laughter] Oh my goodness, do we overanalyze text? Yeah. No. No. People, this is what I’m saying. You have to be like a codereaker these days. A code cracker. Just, you know, decipher what does this person mean? Does he like me? Does she like me? Does she want to see me again? Does he want a second date? All this stuff. Try really hard if you can. It’s going to be really hard to do, especially when you’re attracted to someone. Calm your tits, people. Um, [laughter] just breathe. I’m I can’t I can’t stress enough the the value of just breathing and trying to stay grounded in those those early days and just try to find the enjoyment and the magic. And yes, you’re going to feel like a teenager again. And yes, we we had to get to this age to feel like a teenager again, which I love. I love that saying. Someone said that in the comment section, I think, right? Yes, they did. They did. I love that, too. I love it. I love it. Yes. Yes. It’s it’s And we at this stage we, you know, don’t let you know don’t or try not to let fear make your decisions such as what what was in this comment. Yeah. was uh written by a woman pulling away too soon because you don’t want to get hurt or just making up stories. Don’t expect the worst, but but just what is really there. That that’s what I would tell myself. Just concentrate on what I’m actually seeing, not the don’t make up a story about it. Right. Right. I I also do this little kind of a mantra. I repeat this sentence when I’m sort of on the ledge and you know what whatever it is that I’m dealing with and and it’s sort of a makeorb breakak moment. I say, you know what, I know who I am and I know what I’ve got. You know who you are. You know what you’ve got. Just remember that. Okay? Think of just take stock. Just do an inventory of all the things that make you great. Keep that in mind as you go through this dating process. You know who you are. You know what you’ve got. You’re smart. You’re funny. You’re charming. You’ve got a big heart. Write it on a post-it. Put it somewhere where you can I know this sounds super cliche and newagy and you know, well, thank you, Tequila. Um, [laughter] it uh you know, all this like therapy speak which drives me insane, but you know what? There’s some value in it. Have you write it out, you write the things that you’re most proud of. I’m telling you, it works. and either either write it out, put it on a mirror or a wall or somewhere a refrigerator where you’re going to see it or or have friends surround yourself with people that will constantly remind you. And it’s not that you need the validation. Well, I I think we do need validation. I mean, I I need it. Yes. Oh my god. Does anybody need external validation? No, technically, but is it nice? I talk about that a lot. Yeah. It’s also nice to remember that the effect you can have on somebody else by validating them. You know, you can literally change somebody’s life with one compliment for, you know, they might take a different direction. It’s I know that sounds newagy, too, but it’s true. It’s absolutely absolutely true. Not just in dating, but in everyday life. Well, then talking about the gray zone, you know, I’m glad you brought that up because it’s giving us so much content to [laughter] come up with now. How do we survive the gray zone? What what should we remember when it comes to uncertainty and that stage of dating? I just had this funny memory, this memory of a of a phrase that you’ll you’ll know very well. Remember when people used to say heavy necking and light petting? Oh, that’s so funny. Do you remember that? Yes, of course. I wonder if the younger people know what petting is. Yeah, it’s funny. The question was, “How do you survive the gray zone?” That that’s how you survive it. Heavy heavy [laughter] necking and light petting. I’m just I’m thinking back I’m thinking back on every time every you know new person I dated. What’s the saying? Um leap and the net shall appear. Okay, that’s the gray zone that will get you through just anything. You guys, again, you’ve all earned the right to be this age and have your wisdom and be where you are in life and to and to feel good about yourselves. So, you know, if you miss a signal, who cares? Say it. If you’re not comfortable, say it. If you are comfortable, say it. You know, go ahead, proceed. And what did John Wooden say? Someone send that in the comments about I should have kissed her. Oh, that’s right. That was a comment. Yeah, I should have kissed her and I, you know, feel very and I didn’t because she was moving. She was, right? That’s that was interesting. I remember that, too. One of my favorite quotes of all time, John Wooden, Wooden, famous UCLA men’s basketball coach, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Take. I love that. Yeah. Okay. Well, what I think is interesting too is that we, you know, we, again, going back to uncertainty and being uncomfortable in uncertainty. Just know that everybody’s going through this. There are very few people who go through this in, you know, with total confidence and and I think reading the comments we have, especially on our videos, but reading the comments makes you feel bad. You just see what other people are thinking. You’re not you’re not alone in this. This is normal. And it can be just one of the best stages of dating really because that in that zone does magical stuff happen like you said earlier. So yes. Yeah. Trevor, we are we are coming to the end here. What would you want to leave with our viewers after watching this? Read the comments. Read what your fellow viewers have to say. It’s just gold. The good news about Silka and I is that we’ve actually we’ve walked the walk. So we’re not just these, you know, married experts that dating expert. No, we’ve actually struggled and had tough times and we’ve been dumped and we’ve had we’ve gone through all of this stuff. So yes, so we can speak with experience and with some authority, but read the comments from your fellow viewers and they will teach you a lot. And above and beyond that, if you need some more guidance, okay, yes, call Trevor, call me. [laughter] Uh, been in the trenches. I know how this thing works. I know this dating thing. And if you need help with it. Yeah. Well, Trevor, I will link to all of your information as I always do. It’s down in the show notes below. So, yeah, if you want to carry this conversation forward a little bit more with Treva, you can certainly do so. And make sure you pick up her book talking about fun and laughter. And [laughter] you definitely share what you just said. You’ve gone through it all. And some of those stories are just so so incredibly funny. I’m sorry, but they are. They’re funny. Thank you for having happy hour with with me. You know what? I I just thought of another thing. I want to come back. I have some other questions to ask you about another one. So, I will see you not just soon, but I’ll see you in a moment on Second Right On TV. Byebye. [music]